I read a couple of blogs lately that had a silver-thread of truth running through them. It amazes me that with all of our blogs out there, all of us coming from different walks of life, we still end up going through similar events, emotions, and frustrations... at the same time. Each week presents a new theme, a new challenge and when we write about this, one can see the common thread that sews us all together. Yes we all are suffering from IF, but the reality of IF is vivid in our posts and for this, I never feel alone.
The Silver-Thread Theme of the week; I am sure we've all felt this way.
Being lapped by our fertile friends.
They become pregnant with ease "it only took us 1 month!" and we still refer to days of the week as CD1, 3DPO or 5dp5dt. Their bellies expand with a baby inside and our bellies expand because of the IVF meds - leaving us with not only the emotional baggage of another failed cycle, but also having to carry around the "IVF-20" in an effort to not be mistaken as "one of those gals that just got knocked-up." They have birth announcements and we have loss-remembrances. They have baby showers and we try to drown out our tears in the shower. They give birth and feel joy unlike any other moment in their lives and we get that call from the nurse with our dropping beta numbers...devastation unlike any other moment in our lives.
They have photos that show the baby has daddy's eyes, or grandpa's smile and we have ultrasound photos of a blob we try to recognize as our own or cell blobs that are about to be transferred - hoping, praying that it will grow fingers and toes that look like Grandma's. Months pass and their babies go from ages being defined by months to birthday cakes with one big congratulatory candle on it; while we watch months, fretted cycles, and AFs pass month after month, year after year. Their babies become toddlers and then onto the "terrible-twos" and the "ferocious-fours." Their little "monsters" become our deepest desire and to us, they will always be little angels.
Then one, two, three and sometimes four. They have a house filled with babies, toddlers, kids. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Why didn't it freeze with the embryos we banked? How could they be experiencing temper-tantrums, play-dates and bullies, when we can't even talk a zygote into hanging on tight for the ride?
What's interesting is that I have sent my blog to almost all of my friends IRL. I have no shame, I will talk about IF freely and I don't feel embarrassed (accept for my current stupid clomid cycle) about what I am going through. Yet, I think my friends feel the opposite. I think they are embarrassed of me for not being more quiet about my IF. I don't care if they feel sorry for me, I don't even care if they talk about me, but what I do care about is that most of them, heck, almost all of them (save a select few) act as if I don't exist. They've had their babies, they are mommies and I am not part of the mommy club. I feel like I am in Jr. High all over again and it makes me want to puke. I am wiser (a little wiser), older (much older) and less likely to get my feathers ruffled by stupid comments about IF, but the ignoring, I can't take it anymore. I know, I know, they probably don't know what to say, or don't want to bring it up or talk about their kids for fear upsetting me... nice and thoughtful they all must be, but I don't think so. I really think that I have been forgotten. In fact I know that I have been forgotten. I am the odd-woman out and the fact that most of them, whom I have known for over 20 years, have no idea how to relate to the woman who can't get her ass over the infertility fence before their kids go off to college.
It's odd, because we all grew up together in a small, cultured town in Northern NM. We use to daydream about living on a commune and raising our kids together. We were all within 4 years of each other in age and we went through everything together. My friends were my life and they got me through the very tough times of moving out of my house at 15. We've been through battles that most can't fathom and we survived suicides, drug addictions, dysfunctional boyfriends and parents dying. I had (have) their backs and they had mine.
Now, we (they) email each other, spew all over Facebook- posting, commenting and cheerfully admitting (vomit) how motherhood is amazing, breast-feeding is hard, teething is a challenge and leaving their babies in their cribs to cry themselves to sleep is unbearable. I have those same sentiments, though the only thing that is amazing in my life is the little drop of hope I have left after being side-swiped by IF. It's enough to make me want to hide under the covers and call "Uncle."
To tell you the truth, I don't think any of them read my blog. If they do, they sure as hell don't leave any words of encouragement like they would have if I was about to attend my first AA meeting. Everyday I sign onto my blog to see if any of them have written comments about my posts. Nothing, Nada, Ziltch. I know they support each other when it comes to motherhood issues, but more importantly, I know they support each other in other life relations. Like my friend who wrote her first book and wants everyone to now follow her blog so when she becomes the next Stephen King, everyone will bathe in the glory of "knowing her when." Or my friend who has struggled with drug addiction since we were 14 - everyone still loves her, believes in her and will do anything for her. But not me. I somehow have fallen off the face of the earth and I can't figure out how to get back in the inner-circle of love and kumbaya.
Infertility has taken a lot out of me, has taken a lot from me and has changed me from inside out. The first thing I need from those that know me is understanding and comfort, the last thing I need from those that know me is complete ostracization.
Ho hum... such is life.. my life.
I've been on a blogging/commenting hiatus for the past 3-ish months, largely because of that "separated from the wolf pack" feeling. However, I have been silently blog-stalking you for a while now. Emailing myself links to your posts. Posts that say it SO well. Better than I ever could. I sometimes daydream of sending these links to my fertile friends. Friends who have left me behind as well. In hopes that they could understand even an inkling of what it's like to live this way.
ReplyDelete"Where did the time go? Why didn't it freeze with the embryos we banked? " -- This is perfection.
Just wanted to send you *hugs* and let you know that there's yet another infertile out there commiserating with you and cheering you on.
Have you considered the Resolve site? They have info for friends and family. Maybe it's putting more out there, but they need to understand.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, even crossing over it doesn't go away. My friends who just get KU by accident, 10 years younger than me. NOT easy. Try giving them that info...I did it...and it helped.
HUGS! And I still owe you an email. I am a slacker.
Well if they read this post and DO NOT reach out then be done with them. Gee, LastChance, tell us what you really think :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I know knowing what to say to someone going through IF can be hard, and I know there's this thing called "fertile guilt" because my fertile friends had mentioned that to me, but COME ON! All we're asking for is support, not answers (we don't expect that when freakin' REs can't even give answers) and not advice, just support, a hug, a kind word, a gesture that acknowledges this painful path.
We get it. We support. We're here.
HUGS.
This post really speaks to me. I do love the way you write the comparisons. I'm sorry that you have these friends who are basically ignoring you now...that really sucks. I think you can find the support your looking for in the numerous infertility blogs out there. But I know how alone you must feel because I felt that many times throughout my time with my friends. (ICLW #72 & 106)
ReplyDeleteThis is a really beautifully written post, and I think you have captured how so many women with IF feel when it comes to their relationships with their fertile friends. In my experience, IF does really help you sort out who is a "real" friend, who will be there for you no matter what, and who isn't. It wasn't always who I expected, either! Best of luck in your treatment, and thanks for expressing this so well.
ReplyDeleteLisa Rouff, Ph.D.
www.theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.com
i think we've been stopping by the same blogs lately ;-) i've been lapped too. anyways, always thinking of you and hoping our journeys will be over soon. hugs and happy iclw
ReplyDeleteYou really do get to know who are the 'fair weather' friends and who aren't! Some will come out later with head hung in shame for having been bad friends but many will let pride and that shame make them pretend - they will convince themselves that 'you' have been too difficult to talk to, too emotional, too private. The reality is that most folk think about themselves first and foremost. I have sent folk articles on how to support friends suffering IF to help them understand and remarkably all you get back is silence - like you have embarrassed them... But know, it is their issues which are the barrier and not you... never forget that... Thanks for being so honest and raising this, because I do think these people need to be 'outed'.
ReplyDeleteWow. This post is absolutely beautiful & very powerful.
ReplyDeleteA wonderfully written post. I am not infertile, I come from the Loss portion of the ALI world, but I can still relate very much with your feelings about being cut off from the pack. just as people don't want to deal with IF, they also don't want to deal with dead babies. The situations when we need help the most make so many people too uncomfortable to offer it.
ReplyDeleteSlowly crawling out from my blog hiatus to say that I know that feeling all too well. I so wish there was a way to let our fertile friends know that we don't want their pity or for them to feel as if they need to fix everything for us. We just want them to ask how things are going once in awhile, to listen, give a hug, and say I'm sorry. Nothing more than "I'm sorry you are hurting."
ReplyDeleteI have sent the RESOLVE articles with only lukewarm response. I've come to realize that most people just can't hack how hard this is for the length of time that it takes some of us to resolve. It takes a really special friend to still be sitting by our hormonal, overly-sensitive, fragile asses as the years pass. I get that.
I know some clueless fertile is out there reading this now saying "Enough is enough. When will you stop? Why not just adopt? If it were me, I would...." Things are so easy when they are hypothetical. I thought we would "just adopt" after our third IVF failed and yet here we still sit approaching nearly 2 years later contemplating the ethics of the adoption process...among other issues. Things are much less clear cut and straightforward when they are real decisions.
This stuff is just hard and I hope one of your friends has the empathy to reach out. It sounds like you could really use it about now. Many hugs.
So well written. I don't know why it is that IF seems to be the "oh, get over it" disease. I'll be the first to admit that I want to MOVE ON with my life and have children. But, I don't understand why moving on makes you suddenly incapable of really supporting the people who helped you in the past. ICLW.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. I have been noticing several posts regarding lapping lately. This is something that we don't experience luckily... we have a different issue.. most of our friends are no where near ready to have children so we are alienated for a different reason. I too am similar to you in that I will talk to anyone and everyone about IF - definitely not embarrassed and feel that people should know this happens. It is very unfortunate that your friends do not support you in the way that they should.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to following along your journey! We too are dealing with Male Factor and are just starting our first round of IVF.
*hugs* some people just don't realise how lucky they are *hugs* I am sorry.
ReplyDeletewell even if my fertile friends don't get it, and my family doesn't get it, i know that you get it and can write about it for me.
ReplyDeleteI um.,....I liked the post, but I don't like that you had to write it...even less that the women who had your back, and who you have taken to adulthood too...could turn so easily on you because of your infertiity, but I understand it,,,I lost 2 BEST friends in the depths of our struggle and never got them back...in fact I didn't want them back...I went through HE** with them, held them through sadness, held thier hands in good times and bad, and just because I was sad, depressed and frnakly going out of my mind with not being able to be have a child, I couldn't believe in my darkest hour, these two women would leave me and actually tell me that "I was too sad, too needy, too....." it was worse than AF some months.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I know this feeling because I wasn't quiet about my IF, I am still not. I want to talk about it, talk about my friends (Like you) who are still in the midst of it, how it hurts me to know that,...that I still feel IF, even now...and I want to know that the people who love me, know that knowledge is power, that talking about it makes it less taboo and that it helps me deal with this...
I am sending every good vibe, I have to you.
(hey did you ever get my email to you???? we are going to be in NYC again this weekend. )
a very powerful post, and i couldn't agree more. this is my first time reading your blog. i found it on the stirrup queen blogroll. i'm looking forward to reading more of it.
ReplyDeleteExactly. I think you are rock solid for coming out to your friends with your blog. I have only a handful of friends IRL who know my blog. I cannot bear to hear the crickets from people I love.
ReplyDeletethis is well written and feel it could have been me having authored it. It is amazing how people react and you are right, we aren't in the 'mommy group' and unfortunately, it hurts! not only does it hurt that we can't have the kids we so desire, but then you lose friends and get excluded on events bc we can't have them-it's a double slap in the face and sucks! thanks for putting it into words...
ReplyDeleteI just came across this today and I am relating to this 100%. You put it into words, and I am so sorry that I have to know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI think it goes without saying that you are loved. By all of us anonymous strangers and IF survivors. I wrote about the silent treatment friends/family give us recently on my blog. One suggestion was to perhaps address the issue directly with your friends and let them know how disappointed you are.
ReplyDeleteFriendships, like romantic relationships, are hard to sustain. You fall in love, you are perfect for each other, you think there's nothing you wouldn't do, but then life takes you in different directions. It's hard to find people you can grow with on parallel paths.
I saw this post featured on Infertility Doula's post. It bought tears to my eyes, because you have put words to my feelings and thoughts. Thanks for such a touching and beautiful post. Every time I meet a friend with a baby, I silently think about how everyone has moved on, and how lonely it is to be "stuck" *wipes tears*.
ReplyDeleteWe'll always be here for you! You have a new follower :)
Just found you through The Infertility Doula. This is just how I have been feeling lately, and I was put in a position to explain this to my mother in law who had had a bit too much wine at Christmas! While all of us bloggers have each other, in the real world I feel so lonely. Thanks for this post...I will now be following! :)
ReplyDeletewww.atticus2114.blogspot.com