I started my period at 1am last night.
Did I think maybe, just maybe?
Yes.
I am so tired.
So tired of "trying to conceive."
How could this possibly be my life?
I am tired of feeling like a prisoner locked behind an invisible cage. My screams are silent to those with ears and my pain is ignored by those with absent patience. It's going to take more than a nail file and a prayer to scrape my way out of this cell of madness.
I don't even know what I am trying for anymore. I have somehow lost sight of the prize. Babies look like aliens and pregnant women look like alien hosts. I am in my own version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers - Who are these are people and how did that bump and what is that thing that is screaming it's head off?
Sweet Guy is tired too.
He can't take this anymore. He puts more faith in cycles working than I do and it killed me to tell him why I jumped out of bed in the middle of the night. I want to take the sadness and frustration away from him, for him, but where would I put it? My cup runneth over with toxic crap, his would surely fit right in, but I have no where to put this angst anymore.
I have tried everything I can and I am still where I began, as if I never even started. The years have been lost, the damage is done. Where do I go from here? Stay the course? Pull up camp? Run away? Live child-free? Join the circus? Spend all of our savings on an Hermes handbag? Steal a child from the Duggars?
The tears I shed are empty, depleted.
The pain is the same, the sadness is familiar and this battle is getting old. When will a winner emerge?
I am tough, I am strong, I am not a quitter.
But today, I lose, I lost and I give up.
This should totally be your Creme da La Creme post! You're an amazing writer. Your words are eloquent and your pain is real. Most of us know exactly what you're feeling but can't put it into words like this. Infertility is a big pile of crap. Take comfort in knowing that the IF blogging world will wrap a warm blanket around you when you need it most. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh no. I'm so, so sorry. I can hear the pain in your words. It's so incredibly difficult, especially watching the one you love the most be tortured, too.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself some time, after the rawness of AF's arrival subsides a bit. If you're ready to keep trying, no one would blame you. No one would blame you either if you felt ready to wave the white flag.
(((HUGS))
I'm so sad to hear your news. I think all of us who have pursued IF treatment over a long time know those feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion that come after a failed cycle. You deserve better. Will be thinking of you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are...its a horrible feeling. You are allowed to take time off from "fighting"...this is a draining and painful journey.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
Oh honey, I'm upset with you. It hurts every time . . . even when that teeny-tiny sliver of hope that it might work doesn't pan out. Feeling hollow, empty, lost makes perfect sense. Take some time in the next handful of days to regain YOU first. After that, you and the Mr. can start talking about where to go and what to do now. I'm here for you if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. This also describes my heart these days, thank you for putting words to my own feelings.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Hillary, this was a very moving post. I send you <3 & hugs!
ReplyDeleteStop. Listen. No more. Open another door. Another door is waiting for you, you can be free of all of this pain. I know, because I was there, where you are in this post. I prayed. I stopped. I listened. I opened another door. My life has finally begun. Please consider another miracle... adoption.
ReplyDeleteI love how you frame your giving up as "today." Only today.....and you're absolutely allowed those feelings, particularly because you know your character will keep you soldiering on. Until then....many many virtual ((HUGS)) for you and Sweet Guy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry hon. On some days I think I'm over this since I'm not doing treatment anymore but then I read your pain and I feel it all over again (and it didn't help that I got another fertile friends baby number three announcement today). I'm just so sorry for the pain of all of this.
ReplyDeleteThe color red used to be pretty. Now it's a reminder for too many of my friends, for me. I am so sorry, my dear.
ReplyDeleteOh hun I'm so so sorry this cycle didn't work out. When I saw you 2 weeks ago at the conference, I don't think I even realized you were mid-treatment! I hope the coming days bring you some peace and clarity, and a plan for what's next, whether that's forging on, taking a break, or trying something else on to see how it fits. Thinking of you and sending you love. *hug*
ReplyDelete~Keiko
oh....oh I am just crying for you and for this hopelessness...I can't say that I blame you or would ever tell you not to feel that way...I know that you will not give up, but I am so sorry that you have to be where you are, have to feel so defeated and so wronged.
ReplyDeleteI am praying and praying that (In the words of one quote that got me through a lot of stuff those 4 years) "BEHIND ALL THIS, SOME GREAT HAPPINESS IS HIDING" - Amichai
hugs and love to you my dear friend.
I am so sorry. What a big load of crap. BFNs are the worst. So sorry you feel lost and stuck. Thinking of you...and praying for a happier (baby filled) future.
ReplyDeleteUgh. You think you haven't put too much hope in a cycle and are ready for the end, but then it's just as crushing when the end comes. It's totally horrible. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry it didn't work out. I am in the same boat. Just did IVF #4 and my period arrived this afternoon. When will it be our turn???
ReplyDelete