Filling my empty pie

Infertility effects all parts of our lives.

This we know.

If we were to draw a circle, a pie, and divide it up by by how much infertility effects our relationships, our marriage (or partnership), our job, our health, our mind, our emotions, our faith and our sanity, oh wait, that's our mind. We'd see that there isn't a sliver of that pie that isn't colored by infertility. If we were to take those pieces (of crap) out of the pie, what are we left with?

A big fat hole.

Nothing,

Nada.

Ziltch.

No wonder we feel so hopeless, helpless and miserable while fighting this sometimes up-hill battle.

This is why I have been focusing on the mind/body elements while I lumber along. It's proven to be somewhat beneficial as I maneuver and navigate the passing days. Most of the time I feel good. These past couple of months have been more joyful than the last 4 years combined. My efforts to try to have a life again have reminded me of who I am, not who I was, but who I am now that I have been in this for awhile and have a few (too many) battle wounds. I feel more relaxed and can find myself, not often, but often enough, not thinking or not panicking about how I am going to have a baby, when am I going to have a baby, why don't I have baby.... whhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy? I digress...

The only time that I feel bumped off this collision course with joy (yes, I need to smack it head-on in order for it to have an impact in my life) is the day I start my stupid period. WOW does that day suck a big dog butt. It happened two days ago. I actually took my temp for the two days leading up to the fated day, thinking that my temps were still high and my bubbies were still super sore... maybe, just maybe, please! Had the stars and planets aligned? Had the fates have pity on me for all of my tireless efforts? Had my time, finally come? Had a miracle, yes, a m.i.r.a.c.l.e. occurred?

Nope.

Ouch!

I have decided, after losing my faith- watching it fall and smash into a million tiny pieces, that this has nothing to do with God, the Universe or the Forces that Be. Shit happens, life happens. It's our faith, our beliefs in ourselves (or a higher power) that gets us through this madness. I have felt alone and abandoned by God.  I have felt alone and abandoned by my friends and family. The only thing that is a constant in all of this is me. I am here everyday, through every single up and down, I endure. I have to believe in myself. I have to believe in the process. This path can't only be laced with bad luck. There must be something good, some reason good enough, a life lesson that trumps all life lessons.... there must be a baby at the end of this tunnel. Right? At this point I have no attachment of where this baby comes from. I am too broken-down, too tired to be stubborn or controlling of how the outcome turns out.

With that, I stay the course. I stay on this dizzying and tumultuous course in hopes of there being an end that makes me smile and that while on this course I am able to fill my pie-hole with things that help me maintain a life/balance so I am not consumed by the sadness of infertility.

Breathe in. Breathe out.