Coming Clean and Getting Complete

This weekend I attended an incredible seminar - The Land.mark Advanced Course. I had done the Forum 6 years ago, right before I met Sweet Guy. I didn't think I'd ever continue taking their curriculum after I took the Forum, but my company at the time paid for it, so I did it. By the time I had done the Forum, I'd attended and participated in several amazing courses and I thought I had reached my peak-potential. The company I work for now also believes in the this program and paid for me to take the Advanced Course, so I did it...again. Landmark provides self-empowerment courses and has often been labeled a cult. My response to that is - "Usually cults KILL their followers. This "cult" empowers you to LIVE your life to it's fullest. If it's a cult, then I'd be happy to join one that supports life." Needless to say, it is an intense course to take, it calls you to bring your A-Game, to dive deeply into your past, to go beyond scratching the surface, get to the core of why and how you are in this world. Scary, right?

One might think actually choosing to feel pain, to face scary (made-up) demons that lie within or take responsibility for your wacky childhood and stop blaming your parents, all while sitting amongst 100+ people for 14 hours a day for three days straight, would be crazy-talk, but it actually transformed the way in which I see infertility, how I see that I have been the cause of my own madness, my own hell, just by simply deciding that because I haven't gotten pregnant yet on my own, I am infertile.

I am not infertile.

I don't need to try to have a baby.

I don't need to try to be a mom.

I am fertile.

I create the possibility of motherhood.

That is all, nothing else.

I got complete with losing Sprout. Really complete with what I was hiding from and what I was afraid of. I feel that I finally have space (where?) to create a new life - inside of me! It took all weekend long, with a lot of listening to others, sharing, crying, writing and eating good food to finally get that I create my reality and it's been made-up of thoughts I have had about my experiences with TTC. I have made-up an entire story about myself, about this community and about what (in)fertility is and what it isn't; and it's all a big fat LIE!

Phew! Damn does it feel good.

I got AF on Saturday morning of the seminar. I knew it was coming because I had taken my temps since Friday morning and they had dropped each day. I was in this session processing my, er, a life, while simultaniously experiencing another failed cycle and I was able to stay present with what was happening and  I was peaceful, I mean deeeeply peaceful,  for the first time in 5 years - while my body shed it's potential, I rebuilt mine in my mind.

I don't want to do another IVF cycle just to do it. I want to do another IVF cycle to get pregnant, to have a healthy pregnancy and to give birth to a baby. That's not the game, to see how many IVFs or IUIs you can rack up in a lifetime. That's ridiculous. All of this is ridiculous! I am more than tired of this, I am O.V.E.R. operating from this side of things.

I don't have any answers and I am ok with this.

I am just sitting here, marinating in the possibility of... EVERYTHING and from my vantage point, it looks pretty damn good.

Lastly, I was in the NY Times this weekend - the day AF showed up. I had an opportunity to be "quoted" in the article, but I chose to pass, though I am in the photo. You see by the time this article went to press, what I would have said in that article would have come from "the old me" and though I am sure I would have told the truth, it wouldn't apply in the new space I have created.  So I am happy that my picture is a part of the article and not my story.

Hope you have had a chance to read the article - it is really good! It touches on the importance of supporting ourselves through yoga, acupuncture, community, creative hobbies and anything else that can help keep your head above water while going through this process. Oh and of course, beware of the stupid comments. Oh and that's my girl Kim in the article too.

Yoga’s Stress Relief: An Aid for Infertility?

And my most favorite quote of d'jour:

Onward and Upwards!