Baby Steps to Motherhood

Rising from the ashes

2011-10-30T11:07:00.001-04:00

Not sure if I have any blog readers left or if anyone has wondered where I have gone, what happened to me or what the latest is.... but I am back...well, sort of.

I don't know where to begin. I have had thoughts of how I would write my first blog back from the darkness. I have thought of a million different titles to best describe or explain what I went through... what I am currently going through. I settled on "Rising from the Ashes" as I do have an over-arching feeling that all that I knew, including myself, went up in flames after a shocking turn of life events.

The hidden lie.

The last I wrote, if I recall, without me going down bad-memory lane, is that I was in the middle of a seamless IVF cycle - my 6th IVF cycle. My body was stimming the best it ever has. I hyper-stimmed in the past and this time my doctor was doing an incredible job of making sure that I was on right amount of meds and that my body wasn't over-responding to them. If you recall, Sweet Guy was reluctant to do this cycle. He had grown tired and weary of TTC, timed-intercourse and IVF cycles. He was worried about the state of our economy and therefore the state of our finances and at some point, he told me that he wasn't willing to take a risky risk of TTC until he felt more financially secure. I ignored this and moved forward with the cycle somewhat without his blessing. After all, I knew in my heart that this cycle would work and that once he knew I was pregnant we'd get through anything - nothing could be harder than the IF battle we had just survived.

Rude awakening.

With the pressure mounting to be "a happy ending" and "a beacon of hope" I began to realize that I wanted a baby to fix my marriage. I wanted something, anything...anyone...to make me happy. I knew that I could set myself aside for a child just so I wouldn't have to deal with what I was really feeling. I knew Sweet Guy would be the best father on the planet, so please God, let me just get pregnant so that my life can really look perfect from the outside and I promise someday, I will follow my true hearts desire, but at this point, I am too far down this rabbit hole to turn back... I have taken a stand for women going through IF and now it was time for IF to take a stand for me and get me out of this hell-hole.

Two days before I was about to retrieve I called my doctor and my cycle was cancelled and the same day I told Sweet Guy that I want a divorce. Just like that. My perfect cycle and my make-believe perfect marriage ended.

Nervous breakdown?

For the next 3-4 days I spent going through everything I owned and boxed up all of my belongings. Within a week I was on a plane to London and later to Florence. I desperately needed to get as far away from the life I had known for the past 6 years. My friends and family were shocked, Sweet Guy was leveled. Questions were flying at me like scud missiles, trying to get the truth of the matter. I had no answers, just a deep rooted feeling that I had been living an inauthentic life. That I had lost track of the magic of life, the surprise and delight of the great mystery of conception. Having a baby became a mission, not an adventure. I likened it to a battle I had to fight rather than coming from a place of surrender and being receptive. I became jealous and catty rather than loving and supportive. I let long, loving, friendships fall to the wayside in an effort to protect myself from their happy baby-filled lives. I cursed God, rather than trust my path in life. I grew competitive with how strong I could be, how much more loss I could endure... with grace. I categorized my IF friends and judged those that "had it easy." I disappeared from my marriage, my friends and the life I knew. All for the chance, the tiny chance of becoming a mother. I gave myself up to a cause that depleted me to the point of being unrecognisable...mostly to myself.

Eat, Pray, Love... bah!

I hated "Eat. Pray.Love." with a passion. The movie, for me, was much better, like I finally got the message through the big screen. But the book? I wanted to stab myself in the eye with a fork. Gilbert's writing was emotionless and dry. I did eventually get through it, but it really pissed me off. I felt, at the time, no sympathy or empathy for Gilbert. I thought she brought on all of her own sadness. She had a marriage (from the outside reader) that most women would kill to have. An apt in NYC and in CT? (Give me a BIG fat break already!!) Money, a husband that loved her, a strong career, beautiful, successful and smart... she had it all. Or did she? She had a fling with a younger guy that is into yoga and meditation. Big deal... he was passionate and emotionally challenged - the writing was on the wall with that one. Then she discovers the magic of meditation and yoga and decides she has a guru - which irritates the hell out of me when people say they have a guru. The point of having a guru is not to say you have one, but to learn from them and lead a subtle and meaningful life, therefore, you shouldn't utter the word because it takes the magic and intention away. A guru is just a teacher, a guide... so be guided and stop making it sound like you are more special just because you are following an enlightened being. Grrr...Anyways, I get that time she spent in Italy, Bali and India was powerful and impactful...eating, praying and loving... perfect combination. Anyone would find themselves if they allowed time to be alone. Travelling alone is one of the best ways to break down your comfort zones, to stare uncertainty and adventure square in the face and say "yes, I am getting to the bottom of this complicated mess I just made and I will find myself again" I understand how her journey broke her down and at the same time allowed time and space for her to build herself back up. Life is a process, there are so many wonderful lessons to learn. I found myself understanding Gilbert's powerful process once I was in it. I still don't relate to parts of her story, but I relate to her more now as a woman. A woman that experiences having the world at her fingertips and at the same time the weight of that world on her heart. We do so many things in our everyday lives that are done to fullfill a status quo, a societal gravitational pull towards happiness, though I doubt that many of us really look within to discover what truly makes us happy. I respect Gilbert now...well a little more now. I did find out that she was able to finance her once-in-a-lifetime trip that we all salivate over from a publisher's book advance. I guess she was destined to have that adventure...it was already paid for.

EAT. PLAY. LOVE LIFE ~la prima parte~

When I was in London I thought about writing my thoughts down, blogging, sharing my process of just having lost the world that I knew, the world I gave my sweat, blood and tears to. But I couldn't. I had to live in the moment and not look back. At least until I didn't cry everytime I thougth about the dream I just gave up.

My trip was spectacular. I spent 2 glorious weeks in London. I ate so much amazing food, walked around many neighborhoods, partied at pubs with my brother and took trips out to the countryside to spend time with my friend who is a nanny for a celebrity. My friend was celebrating her birthday and I was so happy to be there with her. She and I, along with a few of her friends, had lunch at this darling organic food farm. The restaurant was incredible - everything on the menu came from the farm. The meat and poultry, fruit and veg from the market garden, bread from their bakery, and cheese, milk and yoghurt from the creamery. Their baked goods made my toes curl. Their shop was truly a bakers delight. After our lunch we gathered the kids, put on our wellies and funny hats and headed for the freshly-cut wheat fields in search of wild blackberries. On our way we gathered some of the neighborhood kids, handed them hats and off we went. It was a Lost Boy adventure and I couldn't stop smiling.... really, I was smiling! That night, with all the stars smiling back, a group of us lit Chinese Wish Lanterns and let them go into the night's sky... for the first time in many years, I finally had a new wish.

Also while in London I met this woman who is a massage therapist and a healer. She was a friend of a dear friend of mine here in NY. We met for tea and dessert in Primrose Hill (apparently where Jude Law lives) and shared snippets of our life with each other. Once I got to the part of what I had been doing (or not doing) for the past 6 years, I began to cry uncontrolably. She took my hands and invited me to come to see her the next day for a day of pampering. The next morning I arrived at her flat that reminded me of a doll house and she proceeded to provide me with the time and space to let all of my sorrow go. Her massage was healing and truly helped me to relax and to be present with my emotions. She did a powerful reading for me that helped to ground me and afterwards we grabbed breakfast and headed for a boat ride on the River Thames. It was then that I began to feel glimpses of hope, thoughts of ease and serenity began to peek through the deep darkness that resided in my heart.

I wrapped up my stay in London with having mastered the Tube, figured out the bus system, visited all the major sites via the double-decker tour bus, escaped trying Guinness, and survivied the wrong turn I took at Picadilly Circus that took me up 193 stairs...rather than taking the lift. Fun times...

EAT. PLAY. LOVE LIFE ~seconda parte~

My trip then led me to Italy.... Florence to be exact, my self-professed soul town. I first discovered Italy when I was 4 when my obsession with maps led me to share with my mom that one day I will live in the boot. When I was 14, A Room with a View came out on the big screen and it was then when I realized I had been born in the wrong country. Florence entered my heart then and never left. A Room with a View remains my favorite movie of all times. I have been to Florence a few times and I studied there a year before I met Sweet Guy. There has been a long standing joke between us about how I was headed over to Italy to marry an Italian and have Italian babies and then I met Sweet Guy... not so funny anymore.

I was having a difficult time finding hotels as most were booked since my trip was last minute. I decided to look into a host family and because of this one thought I had, my trip to Florence this time will go down as "the two weeks that brought me back to life." My host family, now who can be called MY family, was the most hilarious, wild, loud, comforting, supportive and loving family I could have ever imagined finding at this time. My friend (host mom) and her husband have 3 kids - ages 2, 3 and 8, live in a 4 bedroom/2 bath 5th floor walk-up (85 stairs!) and have 5 cats and 2 dogs... oh and two other American exchange students. If I went to Florence thinking I was looking for peace and quiet, I was set straight within 5 minutes of being there. The words to describe my time in Italy cannot express that which I felt. I was healed. I ate so much pasta, fiercly bright tomatoes, schicciata bread, paninis, pizza, and daily gelato - sometimes both before and after dinner. I drank wine, laughed until my sides hurt, walked my beloved city until I had blisters, would climb the 85 stairs back up to my palace, change my shoes and go back out and walk until the sun was setting. I met restaurant owners, saw old friends from the last time I was there, found a kick-ass yoga and pilates studio near the Arno River and mostly, I just allowed myself to BE.

The days would begin with me giving thanks for all that I am grateful for, followed by a statement leading myself to the blank canvas of life in front of me. Everyday was magical. Everyday something magnificent happened. The most amazing thing that occured was twhen my three friends and I were given the chance to attend a private Italian mass (Remember, I am Catholic) where Andrea Bocelli sang. There was a moment when I looked up at the ceiling, saw the sunlight pouring down and thought, "in this very moment, life is perfect."

Leaving Italy was more difficult than I could have anticipated. Aside from the obvious issues I had to face once I got back to the States, I didn't want to go back to any part of my old life. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt joy. I had been so deflated by life. Now I was filled up, centered, calm, clear and open. I didn't fear the blank canvas of unlimited possibilities before me. I didn't see my future as unknown, but rather not yet discovered. My heart, though not without the painful memories, had been healed.

EAT. PRAY. LOVE LIFE ~terza parte~

I am back in NYC. I am in the process of divorce. It has not been easy... but that is too obvious of a statement. My journey, on some level, is just beginning as I wave goodbye to my journey to motherhood. I don't know what the future holds nor do I want to even attempt to proselytize that there will be a happy ending to this all. All I know is this - I can't, for one more second of my life, live my life based on my past. At this time, it is still unclear why I went through what I did, why Sweet Guy and I went through what we did to have a baby. We lost two babies. Sprout will always be my first daughter. The second pregnancy will always be the child I never met. Our marriage disintigrated before my eyes, but even more tragic, I deteriorated faster than I could ever admit. IF didn't win, didn't beat me... I chose to walk away because my life is more important to me than being in a process that sucks me dry of all things beautiful in life.

I will be moving my blog - starting a new blog - so stay tuned.

Until then, I want to give my warmest and most grateful and heartfelt appreciation to all of the women I have met while I was trying to build my family. We became family through this process and I am indebted to those of you that have been a constant support to me. I think we can chose our own happy endings. Life happens, but it's up to us to decide how we handle it and as I have grown to know, IF takes an otherwise beautiful part of life and turns into the fight of our life. I know eventually we can get out of this darkness of TTC -some get out with a BFP, others with adoption papers... me, I got out while I still had a pulse. We are fighters, no one can deny that, you have to know what you are fighting for and decide whether or not it's worth it. I know now that I can survive and have survived a lot, but I can't just survive my life anymore... I want to live a life I love!

I don't know what is next to me, but after having spent a month travelling around by myself, I know that no matter where my path leads me, I will always be with my best friend.

Learning to pivot

2011-09-04T10:29:00.002-04:00

Infertility is terrible. There is no other way of looking at it. It just sucks. Today, while at the dr's office, I realized just how tired and scared I am. There are so many, too many, unknowns with infertility. The only thing we know is that we need to seek outside help in order to even have a chance to become parents. We rely on science and other people to make a dream of ours come true. Even if you choose to adopt, you are still relying on other people to help make it happen. Nothing, aside from pricking ourselves with needles, is in our control. This is a very difficult place to reside when so much is at stake - marriage, money, sanity, friendships, relationships, your heart and your ability to trust life.

I am coming to terms with the fact that not only is life not what I thought it be like, but it's also incredibly chaotic. For some stupid reason I thought that if I tried hard enough or was patient enough or even "good" enough that I could achieve anything. I was sold a suitcase of BS that if you think positively, do right by others, help others less fortunate, work hard, be in a place gratitude, surrender to the process, trust in the process, honor the process, take action, be an inspiration, etc, etc.... if you are this person, the person I strive to be, then good things will come.

What was I thinking? Bad shit happens - it happens everyday and it happens or will happen to everyone. No one on the planet is immune to bad shit happening. Some people have more resources to help them through the tough times, while others just seem to get walloped over and over again and could use a helpful hand, but at the end of the day, we all get walloped in one way or another. Who am I to think that I could escape this tsunami of bad luck?

I am so so tired. I don't know life with Sweet Guy without infertility. It has been 99% of our marriage. That is depressing. I truly can't see straight anymore. I am beside myself with frustration, confusion and I just feel disoriented. When you are dealing with infertility it is very hard not to compare yourself with fertiles, it's hard to not compare yourself with others that may be worse of than you. You wonder if your pain measures to those with cancer. You wonder if others judge your dismay, think of you as selfish or misguided by the pressures of society. We bring this on ourselves - having children is a choice after all and those of us that can't just go get knocked up can chose to not want to have children..... ya right!

I guess I just don't know my place anymore in life. I use to know where I stood. I was defined, I was measurable, I had momentum. Now I am stuck in a sort of purgatory - neither heaven or hell will have me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing here anymore. I feel wasted by this process. Infertility has changed the person I was, am and will become. Us infertiles don't have role models or historical documents to refer to as to how a group of men and women survived infertility in the past. What did they do? Who did they become? How did they survive? For those that became parents, did they forget the war they had been through in order to fit in with the rest of the fertile parents? Can someone, somewhere, anywhere, please assure me that this wound will heal and will be covered up joy, happiness and a future filled with possibility?

My cousin shared a great anecdote with me yesterday morning - "When life gets hard, you learn to pivot." It was short, sweet and so true. I have to learn to pivot my way through this. I have no idea how this will all end. I just hope that by the time I get to the end I still have enough "self" left to grow into something else, perhaps something new.

I have an amazing support group of friends right now that are helping me get through this darkness. The sad thing, yet possibly the most wonderful, is that they are all women I have met along this journey. They have become my closest friends, more close than the friends I have had since I was a young girl. They are my insides, my family even though they have only known me for such a short amount of time. They can be reached anytime, anywhere and always, and I mean always, offer nothing but kindness and encouragement. I am forever indebted to my IF girls. I guess this is the one positive thing about infertility - the friendships built are by far the strongest built to date.

Oh and that Sweet Guy... we have really been through so much in such a short amount of time. There have been days when we thought we'd call our marriage quits. However, one thing I have learned is that Sweet Guy is here to stay and regardless of his trepidations about this IVF cycle, he still takes a stand beside me. He is my eternal graceful rock.

Gotta run... I have to go practice my pivot.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

2011-08-28T20:26:00.002-04:00

Well this past week has been quite a show for mother nature here in NYC. First, we had an earthquake on August 23rd... what? Huh??? Where am I? I happened to be in the back of a basement down in the SoHo area of Manhattan. I knew we were having an earthquake when I began to feel sea sick. It freaked me out so much that I almost peed my pants... seriously! All I could think of was crumbling skyscrapers and me being trapped in a basement under the rubble. I was in a training and when I was done for the day and came back up to see the sunlit sky and tourist-filled streets, I realized, nothing phases NYers.

Then we heard that a category 2, possibly 3, hurricane was headed our way. What? I had barely recovered from my wobbly feet and now we are going to be under water and possibly have 90 MPH winds? Yes, I am talking about hurricane Irene. She came and went and we braced for the worse but got much less, thank you mother nature! The preparation for the hurricane was insane yet orderly. I went, with 8 million other NYers, to the neighborhood grocery stores in hopes of buying all of the essentials. I have never been in a hurricane before, so I had no clue what to prepare for. I made soup, filled my tub, gathered flashlights and candles, turned up my fridge and freezer in case of power outages and made sure my cell was charged... then I waited. Notice I say "I" and not "we" - this is because Sweet Guy, who doesn't play into media instigated mass hysteria or acu-weather reports, didn't think we'd get hit by a hurricane - he thought a tropical storm at worse. So he headed out to Long Island to make sure his parents were ok and worked his way to the North Shore to play in a (indoor) soccer tournament. Yeup... that's right, my Sweet Guy left me and the dog during the hurricane to go shoot goals into a net with a bunch of sweaty guys. Nice. The verdict is not in yet as to whether or not he is gonna get a whoopin when he returns - which by the way will be awhile since he took public transportation out there and NYC has closed ALL public transportation - buses, trains and subways - until tomorrow...maybe longer. I wasn't scared, but I did feel alone. We have awesome doormen and a great super for our building, so I knew if something really bad went wrong, I had muscle to call on. However, I felt lonely and bored. I just stared at my boardgames, longing to have a teammate.

This leads me to the next possible catastrophic event of this week. Sweet Guy is convinced that this cycle - the pending IVF #6, will not work, and based on our past 3-5 years of this madness, he can't be convinced that the tides could turn in our favor and that we could actually get pregnant and keep the pregnancy. With that said, Sweet Guy has informed me that having a baby is no longer a priority for him. So much so that he thinks that it may be better for us if we consider not trying for a baby at all. In summary, baby-making days are over. done. no mas. As I mentioned in a previous post, he shared his deeply moving concerns about our baby quests and they have finally caught up to him in a negative way and he'd be happy to never have to think about this again...thank you very little.

This of course has been quite the volley. One day he tells me to move forward with the cycle, but prepare myself for the worst (how can I straddle hope and failure?). Then he says we can't continue because he doesn't want to see me go through all of this again, the meds and such. We have fought, we've cried, we've talked about walking away from each other and we've held each other tightly hoping to disaparate (for fellow HP fans). This cycle has literally been stop and go the entire time and I am completely exhausted.

I have nothing else to report for this cycle.... it could end or it could continue, it remains to be seen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking for a sign, but then would I be willing to listen to the sign if it wasn't what I wanted to hear?

I ponder this often - how do you stay the course towards something you desire or want when you keep getting hit by the pounding waves and taken back out to sea by the under-tow? Should you give up? Should you continue on no matter what?

I am realizing that I must be insane. Completely out of my mind. Babies have not come to me with little or no effort and yet I keep trying, over and over and over and over again to have a life grow inside of me, to stay inside of me for 9 months. Am I just asking for too much? Am I going against nature? Mother nature is chaotic, unpredictable and stronger than we can comprehend.... maybe she's trying to tell me something - stay indoors, get under a desk and prepare for the worst. I will either weather this storm or I won't, but the path of destruction my choices have created may be too large for a speedy recovery.

Something has to change. Something has to give. I have given this effort all that I have and it has taken all that it can in return. I just don't know what I am suppose to do anymore.

I leave you with pics I took this morning as the eye of the storm passed over Manhattan. The air tasted like salt, the city was hushed and the rain was soft yet continuous...it was surreal.

FDR Drive is closed as the storm surge approaches

FDR Drive becomes the East River

Here comes the sun... bye bye Irene

Updates and ramblings

2011-08-07T08:07:00.002-04:00

I am not sure why this is, but I just don't blog much anymore. It's not that I don't want to or that I don't have anything on my mind that I want to share, it's just that I have finally filled my life up with too many distractions to even think about writing about my fertility woes. I have been yearning for the day that IF takes a back seat instead of being the hood ornament. I have worked so hard on finding the balance in my life that I may have gone to the other extreme and now I feel as if I have neglected my readers, missed out on other blog updates or perhaps gotten squeezed out of the IF inner-circle.

The truth is, I am doing ok. Some days better than ok. I don't cry as much, whine as much or even glare at pregnant women every time I see them - which is almost on an hourly and daily basis. Perhaps I am immune or numb to the fact that they have what I want more than anything in the world. Perhaps my raw nerves have become dulled with time, or cauterized by willing my pain away. I just couldn't live my life in the depression hole any longer. It was effecting way too much in my life - everything in my life, when I finally took a hard look at the destruction IF had caused me over these past several years. I guess you can say that I went from drowning in the sea of uncertainty to now just floating on the surface. I wouldn't say I am going in any particular direction, I still feel directionless at times, but at least I can see light on the horizon. There must be something off in the distance, dry land perhaps?

This year has been the year to clean out the corners of my life. To get to the bottom of my pain and sadness and to release it once and for all. Whatever happens in my present and future should not be determined by my past. I needed to get ahead of this fast moving destructive storm that has the tendency to ruin people's sense of hope, identity and livelihood. I took two amazing courses earlier this year that completely changed my life. In the first course I was finally able to let go of the shame, guilt and horrible sadness I felt about loosing our first IVF pregnancy (we nicknamed her Sprout). I was carrying around this horrible secret, this insurmountable ball of pain and shame. Her life and death was encapsulated inside of me and I couldn't move forward because I thought I didn't deserve to be a mom. Letting go of the entire traumatic experience of her loss was in and of itself, life changing. The second course I took was a leadership program. Through that course I planned and organized a Women's Wellness Workshop for women going through IF. The workshop offered stress-relieving tools on all levels to support women wherever they may be on their path to motherhood. We came into the event as strangers, and left as community. It was a moving, again, life-changing and a humble experience for me. It was my way to give back to the community that has given me so much love, support, wisdom and long-lasting friendships. I even threw my very first baby shower last month! It was for a very good IF friend of mine who has been through hell and back. 10 of us came....all IF girls. About half of the girls with pregnant and the other half were/are still TTC. It was actually one of the happiest days in recent memory! I proved to myself in the past few months that not only am I strong enough to face IF, but I am also strong enough to break through the IF chains that bind us to sadness and isolation.

All of my hard, hard work this year has been getting me prepared for what the latter part of this year will bring. I am at the precipice of yet another IVF cycle. This will be my 3rd fresh/6th transfer... and last cycle. Sweet guy is not on board with this cycle. In fact, he has admitted that he is looking to go down the path of living child-free. The adoption process isn't, nor has it ever been, something he wants to embark on, so really when I say that this will be our last cycle, I truly mean it. He's D.O.N.E. with this entire process. As I have said before, he wants his wife and life back. I don't blame him, though to say that this hasn't shocked me or saddened me would be a complete understatement. This is unlike him to throw in the towel. He is an athlete, a major competitor. I haven't known him to give up on anything in his life, and yet, he can't imagine fighting against nature one more day of his precious life. He's had a hard time psychologically reconciling how drug-addicts or young women who throw their newborns down the trash shoot (happened here in NYC a few weeks ago) get to have babies and we don't. He doesn't get how guys he know who have done copious amounts of drugs are able to get their girlfriends pregnant without "trying", while he's never done one drug in his life and can't seem to get his wife knocked up no matter how hard he tries. All of his friends are now dads - even the ones that were having IF issues have crossed over. He is finally getting the dose of reality that I have been living and breathing for the past 5 years - let's just say it has all caught up with him and he thinks it's the Universe, or God or nature saying we are not fit to be parents. Lovely.

I don't intend to blog about my next cycle that much, nor am I talking about it to many people IRL. This cycle I am going to go underground. I have my schedule set up with acupuncture, massage, mind/body and yoga classes, chiropractor appts and a few Resolve support group meetings. I have even scheduled play-dates with friends during the times when I will need someone who knows me well to ground me. I need to keep my wits about me and stay away from Dr. Google searches and reading other people's stories of triumph or defeat. I have heard it all and sometimes I feel like I have seen it all, now it's time for my story to be told. We have fought a long, hard battle and it is time for us to cross over. Whatever that may look like....I know I will be ok. If the past 5 years haven't killed me yet, then living a life without children won't either. It's not at all what I want and I will carry a sadness with me that many can't comprehend, accept those of us that have gone through this journey. I know by now that IVF is a numbers game and that any way you look at it, this cycle with either work, or it won't. Sweet guy will be there, cautiously holding my hand as we go down another rabbit hole, but he's warned against not being able to follow me down the depression hole again. He can't handle seeing me go radio-silent. He is truly afraid of this cycle failing and what it will do to me. This is why he'd rather walk away now, on a high note (meaning at least I seem "happier" now) and go on to live our lives with each other. Clearly he's not a gambling man - this is where he feels that the stakes have gotten higher and rather than going all in and going for bust, he'd rather turn and walk away and not loose his shirt and his wife in the process. Smart man I'd say.... though I'd be lying if I said this didn't frustrate me or make me second guess even doing this next cycle.

I also have a BIG birthday in the Fall and I will either be celebrating a baby bump or on a plane to Italy! I will not have much to celebrate if this cycle fails. I will have to do what I know best and that is to run away.... to my favorite place on the planet, Florence, Italy. There you will find me at the bottom of a wine vat, but hey, life will go on.

So my friends, a lot is riding on this next cycle. My life will never be the same after IVF #6.... fail or succeed, I will be in the next chapter of my life.

Wish me luck~

Judgement and Adele

2011-07-30T10:28:00.004-04:00

Recently I have had a handful of people tell me that they are convinced that if I "stop thinking about it, I will definitely get pregnant." I have not been able to refrain from blurting out a snigger and eye-roll.

If only I had known that if I could stop thinking about what I desire, it will happen, apparently without effort or any action on my part. Wow, I have been going through my life all wrong! I could have stopped thinking about a college degree and poof! I would have had my masters and a high-powered job just by focusing on something else or going on a Hawaiian vacation. Let's be honest here! When you hear of stories of people gleefully declaring that they got pregnant after they stopped thinking about, do you really believe that they STOPPED thinking about it? I highly doubt that the thought of having a baby and one's drive to do so, just simply disappears on demand (if it were true, please lead me to that wishing well). I agree with the notion that the thoughts can go from the front burner of the mind to the back, but it is NEVER out of your mind. It pisses me off beyond belief when I hear couples say that relaxing and forgetting about (the past 4 years of TTC) babies is what got them pregnant. You know, they stopped forcing it and it just happened. Nope! I think at best, they gave up hope for a moment and in that moment, magic happened.

The two friends that mentioned that relaxing is "the new black", didn't get much of a verbal rise out of me. At this point, I am tired of defending my actions, my thoughts and my journey. I haven't the energy to process or reconcile my own thoughts on the past several years of TTC, let alone how to offer solace to those that feel like I have gone off the deep end. I am tired of making this process comfortable for everyone else around me. I get that their concern is coming from a place of caring, but I am not the one bringing this topic up in conversation anymore. I have stopped wearing my battle wounds on my sleeve, I've stopped making TTC my opening tag line. I really only blog about it- though I barely post anymore because I am tired of hearing my thoughts out loud. I have wisely chosen to talk to only a select few that are going through this - to find my own solace amongst people who don't judge, who don't offer stupid, ignorant anecdotes, or who don't feel sorry for me and try to make up for it by telling me to relax!

Though, one girl I recently met sent me into a tizzy. After hearing that I had been through 5 IVFs, she said that her friend, who has been on prednasone since she was 13 (!!), has been trying to have a baby and has been unsuccessful thus far and this girl is annoyed with her friend's plight. This girl said she has no patience for her friend's process. She feels that she's crazy and she doesn't know how to support her, though she doesn't really want to support her in the first place because she disagrees with what her friend is chosing to do to try to have a baby. My favorite line she said was, "I mean even if the technology is there, doesn't mean you should use it. Why choose to put all of those medications in your body and turn into a hormonal wack-job? Why choose to alienate yourself from your friends, to have your body manipulated in order to "try" for something that has no guarantee. She just needs to adopt and get over it" She thinks that if your body isn't naturally having a baby, then you should listen to it and then move onto something else more "meaningful" in your life.

Fuming on the inside, but holding my composure, I asked her how old she was and if she ever wanted to have a baby. She is 33 and she has no desire to have a baby. I calmly told her that she will never understand what her friend is going through, because she doesn't want what her friend wants. If you have the desire to have a baby, then you will pretty much do anything and everything to make that happen and some reluctantly chose to life childfree after exhausting all efforts. I felt compelled to educate her on the fact that there are as many different diagnosis for infertility and reasons for seeking ART as there are stars in the sky. To think that her friend is representative of ALL women going through IF is narrow-minded and judgmental. (yeup, I said exactly that!) I went on to say that she doesn't have to agree with what her friend is doing or why she is doing it, but if she were a friend at all, she'd just support her by being a generous listener and not try to fix her.

I wonder if fertiles think that we are crazier than crazy for "choosing" to go through the often numerous procedures and hormonal rampage meds in order to have a baby. Maybe it is crazy, but I hardly think it's a choice. Don't people realize that these are often our only options to create a family? For some reason it seems like what we "do" to ourselves is frowned upon and that fertiles and nay-sayers are more comfortable if we "just chose to adopt." It doesn't matter to them that adoption doesn't cure infertility, frankly, it is just another option that we could chose to put ourselves through. I think it is unanimous, fertiles would be more comfortable if we all just adopted. I think it would make them feel much, much better about the state of the world and their floundering friendships with infertiles. We'd be doing something admirable and they could go on with their lives making sure everyone will chose a path less threatening or uncomfortable to those that don't want to talk about unpleasant choices in life.

I think this is a major issue for us as a IF community - not only do we have to go through our own heavy personal and painful process to become moms (IUI, IVF OR adoption), but we are faced with a heavy blanket of judgement from our society. I don't know anything else in life that is as uniquely controversial as this. IF doesn't care if you are a democrat or republican, if you believe in God or Buddha, if you are anti-abortion or pro-choice, rich, poor, fat, skinny, black, white, brown or red or live in a city or in the country - IF brings together women from every background from all over the world and it unites us in a very rare way. One IF person can speak for many. It doesn't matter our beliefs about anything else, what matters is what we go through and that we all share a common desire. If you think about it, we have power in numbers and I venture to guess, the numbers are rising, not falling. So if we are a large enough group, then why is there still so many misconceptions about what IF is or what it isn't?

Part of me doesn't care anymore what other people say or think. I have been down here, down this IF rabbit hole, for far to0 long to care what other people, who are not medical doctors, think I should or shouldn't be doing. If they were so sure of how I'd get pregnant, then they should open up an office and start charging IF patients for their fail-proof advice. Until then... please stop judging, stop telling me to relax, no, not thinking about this will not get me pregnant, and no, we are not adopting.... it's not the path for us. IVF#6 will either work, or we are chosing to life childfree... Thank you very little. I am looking at this straight on, I have no illusions, so either support me or don't, but keep your opinions to yourself!!

The song I am obsessed (yes, I can get obsessed about other things besides my uterus functions) with right now:

ADELE.... Rolling in the deep.... aren't we all?

Sweet Guy has turned a corner

2011-07-09T11:14:00.006-04:00

On Thursday of this last week, Sweet Guy and I celebrated our anniversary. We drove outside of the city up towards the Hudson River to Bear Mountain. It was a beautiful sunny and hot day. We grabbed our water packs and headed for the trailhead that leads into one of the longest American trails - The Appalachian Trail which stretches from Maine to Atlanta. The first 20 minutes we hiked up about 300 stone steps and my heart was pumping so fast I thought for sure it'd fly out of my mouth if I yawned. Once we got about 1/2 way up you could see Hessian Lake below and the winding Hudson River below.... stunning tree-littered hills enveloped our view. I felt so alive, free and happy.

We got to the summit and took in the views as if it's been years since we'd seen mountain sky-scrapers. Well it has been years. I am from the Southwest and lived in the Northwest, I miss my mountains! The smells were ripe with fresh foliage and the breeze was light and appreciated. We saw deer, hawks, monarch butterflies, and chipmunks...thankfully, no black bears. Sweet Guy and I talked about as many things as there were steps to get us to the top. It wasn't until we started our descent that we began to talk about babies... or the lack there of.

Sweet Guy is O.V.E.R. I.T!!

He went on and on about how he can't bear the thought or experience of living through another failed cycle. He can't handle seeing me sad anymore. He doesn't want to work his ass off day in and day out just to have to spend it on the accrued expenses of children...or more IVF cycles. He's tired. He's tired of talking about it, hearing stories about his friend's babies and kids, seeing pregnant women, seeing babies in strollers and mostly, he's tired of trying, watching every month pass without a hint of a pregnancy. He's beat down and somewhat defeated and he doesn't think he has it in him to deal with any part of another failed cycle aftermath. He is tired of the fighting, the arguing, the distance, the isolation. He wants a partner in marriage, not a partner in battle. He wonders what sex would be like if we each didn't have thoughts of conception filling our heads rather than thoughts of being present to the person we each love.

I don't blame him.

My once pillar of strength, eternal optimist, my coach, my solace, has fallen from his pedestal and is at my feet begging me to consider living child-free.

I asked him if he could go through one LAST cycle. He said he doesn't want to, but he'd do it for me.

I think this is when I began to panic a little. Sweet Guys has always been the one that would think positively about our cycles, even when we were (are) trying naturally, he thinks and says out-loud, "I just know you're going to get pregnant this month." I would always smile and say under my breath, "your mouth to God's ears babe...." Whenever I was doubtful or fearful or feeling negative during a 2ww, Sweet Guy was there to offer a handful of hope, a thought that it is possible that we will get pregnant.... and give birth to a healthy baby. He has been there for every moment I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. He's been the little engine that could and now that engine has decided that this hill, this mountain, is just too damn steep to climb anymore.

I know that if we go through this cycle he will be there to support me, but I don't want to do force him into doing something he's not 100% committed to. It's not fair to put him through this again. Yes, this cycle could work, we could get pregnant. However, we all know that a positive beta is only the very beginning of yet another long journey, yes one that hopefully ends in 9 months, but let's be honest, pregnancy after IF can be just as stressful as finally getting pregnant. Aaarrrgh!!!! I am so pissed at the Universe today!

I want to hold Sweet Guy and tell him that it will be ok. But I don't know that. I don't know what the future holds. If we live child-free will I be able to survive my life? I know it sounds dramatic, but I have always wanted children. In fact having children has been the one thing I have never wavered from, have never doubted, or feared.... until infertility came into the picture.

I am filled with so many questions in my head about the (un)fairness of life. This is not what I signed up for, it's not what I thought my life would be, could be, when I started writing in my diary at age 12 about the life I hoped to live. I feel robbed, cheated, duped. Where did I take a wrong turn. How could it be so fucking hard to have a baby for some and effortless for others. Having a baby SHOULD NOT be this hard! I won't even dive into a diatribe about Casey Anthony. I can't go there... she's just one of many, MANY women, mothers on this planet who selfishly throw their gifts back into the waters from which they came. Public Service Announcement: If you don't want your baby, or child and are thinking of killing them or tossing them in the trash or off a bridge, please feel free to leave them at my door step... you stupid, idiotic fools!

I have spent the better part of the past two days letting my mind wander into the "life without children" world. It makes me scared, it hurts my heart, and yet, how would it be any different than today? I feel like I am in that scene in Sex and the City when Carrie is talking to Samantha about her life with Aleksandr Petrovsky - "Could you make up for the fact that we didn't have a baby...." (paraphrased). What would my life be like if I didn't have a baby? Would I forever feel like I would be missing out? Will I always wear jealousy on my sleeve? Will my heart remain bruised and tattered? Please let this nightmare end... I want out of this, all of this.

I feel confused, pensive and once again, defeated and deflated.

If I could be guaranteed that this next cycle would warrant a baby in our arms, I'd do it with eyes and heart wide open. I'd assure Sweet Guy, even bet him the moon and stars that we will get through this, marriage intact, non impaired. But I can't. I have no way of knowing if it will work. It will be another shot in the dark, the darkest dark known to man. There is no light on this journey, only glimmers through tales told by those that get to the other side of this madness. I think I have to decide between my marriage an another IVF cycle... oh the joys.

We had a taste of pregnancy. We had Sprout. We loved her so much. Losing her changed us forever.

I don't think I could ever go through that again.

Today is CD-1. Thank you AF for coming in the midst of yet another storm of dismay. I left a message with my nurse to let her know. I don't know what I will say to her when she calls me back. I didn't have the heart to tell Sweet Guy. What a pisser.

If there was ever a time when I wish I could hear the words of God, to find a crystal ball, to receive a message from a stranger, it is now. I have no idea what to do.

Grant me the serenity and clarity.... and please heal Sweet Guy's broken heart.... and mine too please.

Mama Deer and her little baby...

Meet me at the intersection of faith and hope

2011-07-03T12:38:00.001-04:00

I have to admit, taking a break from blogging, from thinking about where I am on this journey, not keeping tabs on where others are at on this journey and filling my over-worked mind with new things to think about, to consider, new paths to discover and a good ol' fashion break from it all.... has left me with a fresh new look on infertility.

I am embarking on my 6th IVF cycle (gulp!). I have come a long way since the moment we started trying for a baby to when I went through my first IVF, lost Sprout, had another loss and quickly fell down the slope of bad luck. I have had moments of suicidal thoughts, moments of deep, unruly despair, fits of unbearable jealousy and have nearly been engulfed by rivers of tears.

I have watched many friends pass me by with babies in their bellies and arms....too many to consider counting. I have been left behind, left in the dirt, with a mouth full of dust and defeat. I have had moments of feeling like I could take on the world and moments when I thought the world was conspiring against me. I've faced my IVF cycles with strength, only to fall short of hope, sanity and patience.

I am not sure how I feel about IVF #6.

I know I have a 50/50 chance, meaning it will either work, or it won't. I don't listen to the Drs when they give us odds based on averages, ratios, our age, number of antral follicle counts, how well we stimm on the meds, or how many fertilzed eggs make it to day 5. They clearly don't know what the true odds are - it's all a guessing and numbers game. I've seen women get pregnant on crappy, fragmented day-three embryos and women get pregnant naturally after 5 failed IVF cycles after the Drs said they had a 3% chance of getting pregnant based on their "bad" eggs.

So you see, I could go into this cycle (possibly our last IVF) with a basket filled with hope. I mean, it is possible that this could work... I could have a baby in 2012 from this cycle. I could, for once, fall on the other side of the odds and consider them in my favor. I have been lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but I am hoping to go all the way, hoping to cross that long awaited finish-line.

But I am beyond tired.

When I look back over the past 5 years, I observe the moments when I felt small and incapable and see that infertility is not for the faint of heart. I can claim to have been weak, suicidal, at the brink of insanity, but I still continued on this path. It was a choice I made. I could have chosen to not be a mom, but that wasn't an option, so here I am, battle wounds and all, still heading down the path of "cross your fingers and leap!"

I don't know whether I should line up a list of "best practices" for those about to cycle - you know the list, I know it all too well - The acupuncture, choking down Chinese herb teas, eating less carbs and more organic veggies, meditating, light exercises, massages, yoga, wearing lucky bracelets, lighting candles in church, holding onto saint medallions and charms in our pockets or handbags, downing vitamins by the handful, writing blog posts asking everyone to say prayers for us, and of course, battling with our thoughts to make room for positive visions of a baby in our arms.

A part of me wants to go rogue, be bad, throw out everything I've done in the past that was suppose to "UP" my odds and throw caution to the wind. I am at the end of my road with what I could have control over. I've tried and tried and tired some more and now, I just want to do as little as possible to get through this. Is that bad? Shouldn't I try everything in my power to help the scientific procedures we put all our hope into?

I stopped taking all of my vitamins and medications. I have been on prescription strength folic acid for almost 3 years, a mega dose of vitamin D for over a year, metformin for 9 months and a medley of other vitamins based on the ridiculous amount of research I've done. I stepped up my exercise routines (boot camp in Central Park is a must!) and have been drinking my fair share of Pinot Grigio and Montepulciano. I barely keep track of my cycles and sex with Sweet Guy... well, that's a little to private, but let's just say it's not "timed" anymore.

One could say I am free!

One could also say I am still trapped.

I have found a clearing through this storm and I feel joy again. However, I still have an empty second bedroom, tears that well-up when another friend announces a pregnancy and I still have to take a deep breath and count backwards from 10-1 when I see (what feels like hundreds) pregnant women all around my NYC neighborhood. I am happy, but I still carry sadness in my heart.

So what now? I know the drill, but would like not to.

I have gone back to an RE that I saw after I lost Sprout. It's a new facility, a new lab... perhaps with those changes I will have some luck. My old/new RE is going to keep me on the same meds, but will try a 3-day transfer ( I have always done 5) and he's going to add in co-culture. At least this will be something new and it will give me one more shot before we do a PGD cycle as I was hesitant to move to this point. I am still not 100% with testing of embryos, and the only other option my last Dr gave me was to transfer up to 4 blasts.... uhm no, not going to challenge Octo-mom. It'd be just my luck that after all this, I'd get pregnant with 8 babies...not funny!

I close with this - I am back from my infertility hiatus, looking down the tunnel of yet another IVF cycle. I have no idea if it is going to work or not. I have summoned the strength to continue towards motherhood and I hope that I can arrive in one piece. I have faith that what will be, will be and that it is possible for this nightmare to end with a happy ending.

Paying it Forward Through Gratitutde

2011-06-19T10:12:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, one of my dear IF warrior friends, "Kaos" and I held an event - The Red Tent Fertility Wellness Workshop - and it was life-altering. This was our way to give back to the community that has given us so much while on our journey to motherhood.

11 women attended our event, 4 practitioners presented and within 5 hours, a community was created.

We began the class on yoga mats facing windows that beamed with the morning light. I introduced myself and my friend and set the tone for the day - stating that this day was about us, all of us, no matter where we are on our paths. We then had everyone go around and introduce themselves to each other and share, if they wanted to, where they were in this process. It was then, in this moment, that the intention for the day was sealed.

Tracy Toon Spencer of Fertile Life, then led a beautiful guided meditation while we all lay in goddess pose. She walked us through a powerful visualization followed by a grounding breathing series. Tracy has the kind of voice that I imagine my guardian angel would have. I yearn to hear it and when she speaks, all I want to do is listen. She herself went through many years of TTC and when she told me of her journey, my jaw was on the floor. She is who I look up to in so many ways. She is a survivor, a mentor, a constant support and most importantly, a friend. When we completed the meditation, we then moved into restorative yoga.... yes!! More goddess pose...nothing is better than goddess pose!

We then took a break and provided everyone with a nutritious food spread - I wish I had remembered to take a picture of it, but believe me when I say that we could have spent the rest of the day grazing and chatting. We ate raw yogurt and cheeses and sour dough bread from Hawthorne Valley Farms, organic fruits, vegetables, hummus and quinoa cakes from Whole Foods Mkt, a diverse tea selection, crackers (both gluten-free and whole grain), and enjoyed a lot of good conversation.

When we all came back into the room we had the pleasure of listening to Hannah Springer of Earth/Body Balance who led a thorough and fascinating talk on whole-food nutrition. This presentation blew my mind! Hannah knows as much about nutrition and healthy eating as I can imagine the FDA and the USDA should. I began to realize how I could not only prepare my body for pregnancy through eating more consciously, but also how I can provide my children with amazing and useful knowledge on good eating habits. Hannah provided in-home cooking classes for small groups - this will be my next event organization for my IF friends. To learn that eating food such as grass-fed meat rich in good fat, could provide us with all of the vitamin A and D we need is a good reminder that the business of food in America has quickly become just that, a business. We have truly gotten away from providing and producing what can come so naturally. The mass-production of food hasn't helped our food consumption, it's somewhat tainted it and distorted it in such a way that we hardly know or recognize what we are eating anymore.

Our next presenter was my acupuncture muse, Erin Hessel of Esema Healing Arts. I have been working with Erin for almost 3 years and she, by far, is one of the most dearest people to me. I met her while she was in acupuncture school and knew instantly that I wanted to know her forever. Her practice is gentle, caring and intentional. Her background is diverse and if I didn't know any better, based on her life experience, with those she worked with, what she's trained in and the knowledge she bestows, I'd think she was a 100 year old wise woman.... she is far from 100 years old, but she is a very wise woman.

Erin provided a historical foundation for Traditional Chinese Medicine and herbs and how it pertains to women's reproductive health and fertility. She talked about BBT charting and how knowing your body is a way to feel empowered, especially when we are in the care of doctors and taking medications that control and manipulate our cycles. It's the one thing I have felt like I have insight on while TTC, I can literally take my temperature anytime during my cycle and know if I have ovulated yet... 10 years of charting will do that.

The final presenter was the lovely Pardis Partow of Hummingbird Healing. Pardis is a Healer, Reiki Master and Intuitive Coach. Pardis is a gentle, yet powerful healer that provides in-depth insight into areas of our lives that we feel stuck, lack clarity, or are struggling with. She invited us all to consider that there are forces, guides perhaps, that are here for each of us and that we are never alone. She talked about the importance of journaling (blogging) and how getting our emotions out on a page helps clear our mind, helps get rid of the chatter that clogs our ability to listen to and hear our intuition. Pardis is truly a gift and her insights have helped me to see a bigger picture, that a larger story is being told, not just my struggle to have a baby.... timing perhaps, lessons to learn, maybe, but in my heart, I know I will be a mommy.

We finished our event with tender breathing exercise. We had all of the participants lay on mats head-to-head in order to hear each other's exhale breaths. This breathing exercise is called Ocean Breath (Ujjayi Pranayama) and the sound of this breath in the room brought me to tears. Clearly this day was emotional for me.

Lastly, after the closing breathing exercise, we sat in a circle and everyone, including the presenters, Kaos and I, went around and said one word to share about our state of being. This was the single most moment that had the biggest impact on me throughout the entire day. We were women each from different backgrounds, with different stories of how we came to be here, what we've gone through/are going through to try to create family, how we support others on their path and we were community.

I want to thank everyone who was involved with this project, without you believing in me, believing in this community, this project would have been stuck in my head and would have never been given a chance to be so powerfully shared with others.

To my husband, Sweet Guy, thank you for believing in me, believing in me, believing in me and believing in me some more. I can't imagine life without you. Our children will be the luckiest kids on the planet to have you as their daddy.

Kaos, my dearest fellow-warrior. I can't wait to see you as a mother and to meet Pinto. It's been a long battle fought, but you've done it with grace, humor and determination. You are my inspiration on so many levels.

Tracy Toon Spencer, my mentor and dear friend. You have given me such wonderful insight into my inner-strength and abilities to continue this path with hope alive in my heart. Because of you, Home Tree lives within in me.

Erin Hessel - You have been my rock, my salvation and constant support. I am in awe of you and your ability to provide such an intentional and caring practice for so many women (many of my friends) and I look forward to having you as my doula and being there to welcome our babies into this world... you are and always will be family.

Hannah Springer - You my dear are an incredibly powerful and dynamic woman with too many gifts to name. Your knowledge and dedication to providing useful tools and knowledge of the foods we eat is invaluable. You are a beacon of light for our community and I honor you in so many ways.

Pardis Partow, my spirit smiles because of you. Thank you for all of your thoughtful insights and commitment to my path in this lifetime. You have given me the ability to believe.....

My mom, Ginny, who made, with love, eye pillows for each guest, the presenters, and a few more "just in case." My mom is the love of my life. She has the biggest heart I know, regardless of what the doctors say, your heart is strong - you capable of loving the entire world. You are my heart and soul,

Thank you to AC for coming to our event. It was very meaningful to both Kaos and I to have you there to support us. You have given so many of us hope, humor and never-ending support. I cherish you and am so grateful for your own efforts to give back to our community. I am already planning our trip to Alaska for bear season~

Thank you to Circle+Bloom for your support of this event and your participation in the gift bags and raffle. You provide a wonderful mind/body tool for all of us and we are grateful for your dedication and commitment to all of us.

Thank you to my soul-sista Lauren of Schwa Designs for creating and donating such beautiful jewelry for our raffle. Your talent is unparalled. I am where I am today because of friends like you and I am blessed.

Thank you Maureen for the donation of your humorous and thought-filled book about your journey to create a family, "Step Right Up and Take Your Chances." I look forward to hiking the Grand Canyon with you! Hope is alive~

Finally, thank you to the women that attended the event and to all the women in this community. I honor each and everyone of you. Everyday I give thanks to those that support me, encourage me, inspire me and give me hope. We are together in this journey and we really do walk in solidarity....we are community and we are family.

I hope to provide many more of these Fertility Wellness Workshops in the future. If you are interested in attending, participating or contributing in any way, please feel free to email me.

I leave you with one of my favorite Marianne Williamson quotes~ from me to you~

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others."

~ Marianne Williamson - from "A Return To Love" ~

Fertility Wellness Workshop in NYC June 18th, 2011

2011-05-21T10:18:00.016-04:00

Fertile Bliss, Inc.
Presents
a

Red Tent FertilityWellness Workshop

For Women who are looking for a sense of community and tools
to empower them through their journey towards motherhood.

Have you been trying to get pregnant?

Have you considered alternative methods to enhance your pregnancy possibilities?

Are you interested in learning different ways to support and help you as you go through this process?

If so, come to the Red Tent Fertility Wellness Workshop.

You will learn helpful fertility-enhancing tips, receive a robust gift bag, nutritious snacks, the opportunity to connect with like-minded women and a chance to win free services, jewelry from Schwa Designs and
Circle + Bloom CDs.

Presenters:

Erin Hessel of Esema Healing Arts (http://www.erinhessel.com/) an acupuncturist and doula will provide insight into fertility acupuncture techniques and strategy, as well as reproductive wellness tips such as fertility cycle charting.

Tracy Toon-Spencer of Fertile Life, Inc. (http://www.fertilelifenyc.com/) a yoga instructor and mind/body coach, will lead a gentle, restorative, fertility yoga class and offer mind/body techniques to aid in relieving stress.

Pardis Partow of Hummingbird Healings (http://hummingbirdhealings.com/) an intuitive healer/coach, Reiki Master Teacher and medium, will teach self-care methods to help maintain a healthy, spiritually balanced life, as well as information on Reiki and other healing modalities.

Hannah Springer of Earth Body Balance (http://www.earthbodybalance.com/) a renowned traditional foods nutritionist, will provide comprehensive pre-pregnancy nutrition education, as well as a packet of fertility recipes and resources.

June 18th, 2011

9:45am-3:00pm

Om Factory Yoga Studio

265 West 37th Street at 8th Avenue, 17th floor

$75.00 in advance (until June 15th ) via PayPal

$100.00 – after June 15th

~Space is limited so book early~

Questions and/or RSVP: Fertileblissnyc@gmail.com
Payments via Paypal.com: Fertileblissnyc@gmail.com

We look forward to seeing you.

~Namaste~

Angel Mine

2011-05-18T23:36:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, May 17th, 2011, was the third anniversary of the day I lost Sprout. She will always be in my thoughts, always in my dreams and forever in my heart.

Dedicated to my sweet angel... Angel Mine...

He searched for those wings that he knew

that this angel should have at her back

And although he can't find them

he really don't mind

because he knows they'll grow back

And he reached for that halo that he knows

that she had when she first caught his eye

Although his hand came back empty

he's really not worried

'cause he knows it still shines

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings

or keep this tarnished halo shined

but I'll never betray your trust

angel mine

I search all the time on the ground

for our shadows cast side by side

Just to remind me that I haven't gone crazy

that you exist and are mine

And I know that your skin is as warm and as real

as that smile in your eyes

But I have to keep touching and smelling

and tasting for fear it's all lies

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings

or keep this tarnished halo shined

but I'll never betray your trust

angel mine

Last night I awoke from the deepest of sleeps

with your voice in my head

And I could tell by your breathing

that you were still sleeping

I repeated those words that you had said

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings

or keep this tarnished halo shined

but I'll never betray your trust

angel mine

Cowboy Junkies, 1996

Spotted Brown Egg

2011-05-14T08:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went for a facial with a friend. The place that I love to go to is affordable considering we are in NY. The products are luscious and the facials and other services are actually quite good - an hour facial for $65 - can't go wrong. Oh and apparently the celebs love this place too as illustrated by all of the tacky signed mug shots cluttering the walls.

As I got to my pimple-popping room I looked at myself in the mirror. I don't know if it was the lighting or the fact that I have somehow avoided looking at my face in the mirror lately, but I saw that my cheeks were about two shades darker than the rest of my face. The discoloration was gradual, but it was there. I could clearly see it in the dimmed light, so I am thinking it's pretty obvious to the world as I walk down the street in daylight. The darkness shows up as spots, not perfectly round spots, more like blotches. Great! My once smooth, even and youthful skin now looks like I went native and painted a henna tattoo on my face. I'd be lying if I said this recent finding doesn't disturb me.

Is it age? Is it sun damage even though I pour on the sunscreen or could it be all of those damn hormones that I have been taking over the past 3 years? Did they catch up with me as one of the long lasting, delayed side-effects?

So not only have I had to battle my way back from the 25 pounds (yes, 25 pounds) I gained from my first IVF and pregnancy (loss), buy new bras every 3 months because my bubby size keeps changing, and battle with a waxing and waning sex-drive, now, NOW I have this speckled face to contend with.

This is definitely the short-end of the stick when it comes to IVF cycles. This is the equivalent to those women who rattle of the laundry list of pregnancy "horrors" that no one talks about: hemorrhoids, perpetual gas, swollen ankles and hair loss. Let's be clear here - with those side-effects at least there is a baby at the end of the incubation tunnel. When you are stuck on the IVF wheel, these side-effects continue to wallop you....sometimes with no end in sight, nor, in my case, a baby after all ones efforts.

The esthetician said, "how long have you been on birth control?" I crinkled my nose and said, "What? What birth control? What do you mean?" The brown spots were even obvious to her under the subdued light. I said, reluctantly, "I am not on birth control pills, but I have been on hormones off-and-on for 3 years." She crinkled her nose back at me and said she could do some kind of a vitamin C treatment, but that I really should go see my dermatologist so they can do some sort of an acid peel. Lovely. This is the point where I am at - needing to drastically reverse the signs, not of age, but of failed IVF cycles that I now apparently wear the signs of defeat on my face.

When she was done with my facial she said that I need to be wearing SPF 50 on my face....everyday! "Even in winter?" I asked. "Yes! Even in winter."

Was I the worst she's seen? Should I be concerned with the fact that I feel like my body is crumbling because I have chosen to do whatever it takes to have a baby? My toosh still has knots from the progesterone shots, my hair has a touch of grey (found my first grey hair the day I lost Sprout, 3 years ago) and though I work out like mad, I still can see the silhouette of a once pregnant (and happy) woman.

Is age to blame or is infertility responsible for these changes?

I feel like I am battling the hands of time, not only to have a baby before I am 90, but also to try to stay youthful and sprite. Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and just let myself go.... all of it, let it all go, the grey hair, the brown spots, the weight, the nutrition, the determination, the hope, the dream.

But could I ever really let myself go? Could I ever not care what I look like on the outside? Could I ever not care how I feel on the inside?

After my facial, I immediately called my dermatologist and made an appt. and told them that I am not ready to let myself go.

Sidewalks of NY

2011-05-04T18:07:00.001-04:00

NYC has finally begun to thaw from the long, cold winter. The magnolias have exploded, the cherry trees have blossomed and the city is filled with blooming colors of tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. I live in a particularly kid and baby-filled neighborhood and they are out, with their mommies and nannies, in droves. Walking down the streets you dodge both dog walkers and strollers... twin strollers trump all pedestrians. There is something else that I have noticed - the baby bumps. They are in full view for all to see and I don't know if it's me, but they all seem to be around the same size. As if every woman I pass got knocked up in December of 2010.

Under normal self-pity circumstances, I'd want to run and hide from all of the strollers hauling newborns, the proud belly bumps or the dominating twin strollers, but today, something is different in me. I no longer scowl at the baby bumps, hiss at the strollers or roll my eyes at the women who walk with their strollers filled with precious cargo, in tandem, towards Starbucks and Pottery Barn Kids. I find myself actually smiling, maybe not outwardly, but to myself. It's not like I am running up to their bellies anxious to rub them (for good luck), though that thought has crossed my mind. I think I have found a moment in this journey, perhaps my hopeful stride, where I can actually pass these usual triggers and not feel like vomiting, screaming or passing out. I am sure I am not alone when I say that seeing toddlers, hearing babies, seeing belly bumps, strollers and infants could often feel like a cruel reminder of what I can't seem to have.

Something has changed. Based on all of the hard work I have been doing on good ol' me, I realized that I too can be a mom... it is possible. It's not impossible like I have been believing for far too long. It's so possible, that I think this sentiment is contagious. I told one of my very close IF friends about this a couple of weeks ago and we talked about it again this week. She is 41 and has been through numerous failed IVFs, IUIs, etc. and yesterday she found out she is pregnant... au naturale. This is what I am talking about... it is possible to beat the odds, to prove your "all-knowing" (thinking they are) doctors wrong. It is possible to become a mom in your "advanced maternal years." Just because we have male factor infertility does not mean there isn't one good spermie in Sweet Guy's army... after all, it only takes one! I can't help but think that my time is fast approaching - all of this can't be happening around me just to tease ~~torture~~ me. I mean something has got to give here. I can't be the odd-woman out every single day!

I refuse to believe that I am left out. I refute the belief that I am too old to be a mom, that I can't have a healthy pregnancy. I decline to give up, to walk away, to surrender and call it quits. I am in this to win it and if so many people are becoming moms around me, it's only logical that I should be next.

Or not...?

I honestly think this is more than a possible fading feeling. I have been trying these new thoughts on for size for several months now. It wasn't until the sun thawed a little bit of hope that had been frozen-in-time, that I actually got to put these thoughts into action. I survived walking around my neighborhood and it was the first time in as long as I could remember that I felt n.o.t.h.i.n.g while witnessing the baby parade.

Phew! What is going on?

Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still worry? Yes? Do I still have moments when I feel hopeless, helpless and defeated? Of course, duh. Do I wish that I was the one sporting the baby bump or pushing a Bugaboo? Dumb question.

But alas I am here, doing everything I can do to "try," "not try," "relax," "breathe," etc. and that's all I can do. There is so much out of my hands at this point and I am absolutely exhausted from this entire journey. 5 years is entirely too long for anyone to go through any struggle in life. This has to be over and it has to be over soon... and yes, with a happy ending. (oh dear God, please let this have a happy ending).

So bring on the bellies, side-by-side strollers and babies in cuter than cute springtime outfits....I am ready for you...

I think.

Busting an Infertility Myth: Let's just bust them all~

2011-04-29T21:13:00.001-04:00

I have thought long and hard about what myth to "bust" during NIAW. I have read many posts that speak to me personally. I can relate to so many of them. We all relate to them - those of us in this world, on this side of the fence, the ones that have eaten that side of the mushroom given to us by the caterpillar who watched us, mockingly, as we fell down this rabbit hole.

I thought about busting the myth about those of us who are being weeded out, natural selection they call it. That must be the reason why all of us are struggling to become mothers. Are we really the weakest links? Or I could talk about how IVF is only being sought out by rich, spoiled, selfish, impatient women who either waited too long to try to have babies or didn't try long enough to have a baby on their own. There's the myth that filling out adoption papers is a guaranteed way to see a positive HPT. One of my favorite myths is the one that "outsiders" that know about IVF think that anyone who does IVF will see a positive HPT or get pregnant with twins- completely ignoring the fact that even with advanced medical technology, nature still rules and no, IVF is not 100% fool-proof. I really love it when I happen upon comments that have been left on online IF articles by idiots who claim to be educated - spewing vile judgements, ignorant declarations and worst of all, curse and damn us all for wanting to act on a natural desire to have the choice to procreate. I have been caught in the cross-hairs of many ignorant comments, flippant remarks and narrow-minded opinions - all of which have made me shake my head and wonder where the communication/information break-down is.

The thing is, IF is real. It is a real for all of us facing negative HPTs or betas, failed cycles, bruised stomachs, pregnancy losses, pregnancy announcements of bffs, sisters or SIL's baby bump conventions, as the passing of years leave us with nothing to show. IF taints all areas and aspects of ones life. It is like a liquid gas that seeps into all areas of your identity, your joy, and no one around you can see the internal bleeding-out of hope. We suffer, for the most part, in silence. If it weren't for blogging, online or in-person support groups, specialized professionals or the occasional sensitive fertile, it's likely that many of us, myself included, would implode.

So I dedicate this post to all of you. All of you amazing, strong and graceful women who walk with me down this winding path. We all stand in solidarity and together we are a force to be reckoned with. Our voices are getting louder, the clan is growing and hopefully sooner than later, we will be heard by lawmakers, insurance companies and nay-sayers. Someday our family members will get a clue and not say all we need to do is just "relax" or that we should be nicer to our sister who just got pregnant with her third baby "by accident." Our friends will have loving patience with us as we throw ourselves into our cycles, our pain, our struggles and they will hold our hands, without judgement or spouting off useless anecdotes. There will be a day when lawmakers and insurance under-writers deem infertility just as important as male impotence research or wart removal remedies and actually fund IF research and give us plenty of coverage to create loving families that we all deserve.

I promise, we will get there... one step at a time, one post at a time, one day, month, year at a time, we will get to where we want to go as a woman, as a community, as a voice for infertility.

Happy NIAW~National Infertility Awareness Week

Check out Resolve.org's Bust a Myth campaign and all of the amazing posts that have been shared. Hurry... you have one more day until the awareness week is over to upload your posts though our plight will continue.

Coming from a place of YES???

2011-04-21T10:59:00.001-04:00

Welcome ICLW readers!

To find out more about our journey thus far, please read THIS. If you are re-visiting my blog, I welcome you back. I don't have much to update in the way of treatments, cycles or medication bruises, but I have been going through a lot lately.

This Spring has been both challenging and rewarding: 4 friends announced their pregnancies - plus all of those care-free celebrities...too many to count. One dear friend (fertile warrior) had to terminate her pregnancy at 20 weeks - baby wasn't compatible with life. She had to do this while a drug-addicted friend announced her pregnancy. Fair? Sweet Guy and I have had total communication breakdown and I am anxiously awaiting the anticipated "break-through after breakdown." I, in response to many heart-felt posts, have been seeing an amazing fertility therapist specialist. She has helped to save my life, or at least provide a place where I can go to dump out all of my emotional baggage... I believe that could save anyones life. My mom had heart failure and almost past away. I was able to be there for her and my sister and I lovingly nursed her back to health. I have been taking these amazing, life-changing, life-affirming courses since March and have had major break-throughs around my struggle to have a baby.

Currently, I am digging myself out of a dark tunnel, a dismal hole that I fell into two weeks ago after getting back from spending meaningful time with my mom and sister. I felt lost, lonely, sad, angry, frustrated, jealous and considering life without Sweet Guy. Since then I have seen that if I continue to exist and operate from a place of "lack," from a place of despair, defeat, negativity and hopelessness, nothing, and I mean nothing will be possible

What I have learned through processing my depression (this time) is that it IS possible for me to get pregnant... hell, everyone around me is doing it, so can I! It is possible to have an unconditional, loving and communicative marriage. It is possible for me to be happy, to have joy, to experience love, to have everything I ever want in my life.

How is this possible?

How the hell do I know?

All I know is that what I am doing and how I am doing it (proceeding through life like a bi-polar, manic-depressive maniac with a syringe full of gonal F) is not working!!

This is where I am right now - realizing that I "don't know what I don't know" and clearly I have created a pattern of angst in my life that is alive and thriving. I am living the life I didn't think I'd be living. I am trapped in a horrible nightmare, but the writing was on the wall. I have a pattern of feeling like I am not deserving, that I am not good enough, that I don't fit in and it has run it's course my entire life. It's all I know, all I have ever known, so of course having a baby, being married, etc. is difficult for me - I am coming from a place of fear and what good could come from that?

I am the one standing in the way of the life I have always wanted... *gasp*

Again... I don't know how or why, I just "know." I know deep within my bones that something needs to shift from within me because the curve-balls, insanity and madness of life will continue to happen whether I like it or not and if this, right here, right now, is IT, then I had better get my act together and figure out how to get my arse out of my own way.

Oh....woe is me.... some women have babies without having to think about much of anything, then there are some women who have to dissect their neurosis, confront their demons, face their inner-most fears, create space for possibilities, and move forward with grace.

I fall into the latter category....oh joy!

May Day! May Day! We are sinking...

2011-04-10T08:35:00.002-04:00

After returning from spending time with my mom in the hospital and helping to nurse her back to health, I found myself unable to leave the couch for 3 days. I am depressed.

I miss my family.

I miss the fantasy of the family I thought I'd have by now.

I miss Sprout - my daughter that left this world 3 years ago next month.

This past week three friends announced their pregnancies. So that's four announcements within 2 months. The sad thing is, one of them abuses drugs and alcohol and yet, even she was able to get knocked up. I find myself falling, slipping from my grasp on reality.

I really and truly, deep within my heart and soul no longer believe that I will be a mom in this lifetime.

Sweet Guy and I are not doing well. Our marriage is coming apart at the seams and I feel like we are headed towards a storm that will end up tearing us apart. There's too much stress, too much sadness, frustration and angst and not enough clarity, tenderness or do I dare say, sperm.

I am so lost. So tired. This battle has gotten the best of me and I think I am headed downwards. The only thing left for me to do is to figure out how to survive the fall. Even if I land and break into a million little pieces, I will still have to move forward with my life. Correction, a life. My life is not my life anymore. It belongs to someone else, someone who had a different dream, a different hope, wish, direction.

I have finally admitted to myself that maybe, just maybe Sweet Guy and I are not the right combination in some unknown way. It's obvious to me that we are not meant to have children together. It should not be this hard, take this long and have so many twists and turns, too many to count. Having babies is easy...it's proven to me time and time again. I have friends that say they tried and tried to have babies with an ex and then gave up their dream and then the next guy they were with, BOOM! Baby...sometimes babies o' plenty. Why is that? Why have I even let that seed plant in my head? The reality of that thought hurts my head... my heart.

I have to say something that hurts my insides just thinking about it, only whispering it silently to myself brings waves of tears pouring out of my eyes.... I think I am done trying. I think I am giving up. I think I am facing the music. I think I am saying good-bye to my dream, the only dream that has ever meant anything to me. I am letting go and letting it be.

I can't do this anymore. I am too broken, too sad, too confused, too paralyzed and way to far down this dark and dismal tunnel to even imagine what hope, light, love or even a damn BFP! looks or feels like.

My head is spinning so much I want to vomit. My heart is so sad it feels as if it's wilting.

This is so unfair - infertility is just so unfair! No amount of any of my efforts, both passive or aggressive have gotten me to where so many can get to. I have been left behind, in the dust and with a mouth full of dirt, I finally call "uncle."

I am dizzy with confusion, anger, sadness and I ache from deep within.

How can this possibly be my life?

Spoke to soon... PETA listen up... we are not done talking!

2011-04-07T14:52:00.003-04:00

Because I refuse to go to their website, I didn't know that PETA still mentions NIAW on their website... that just chaps my hide!

My original email to PETA

My response to the email back from PETA:

Dear Ms. Dame,

Thank you for removing the phrase “in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week” from your website. Though we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't even mention our National Infertility Awareness Week on your website. We don't want to be associated with PETA in any way, especially after this stunt. You misunderstanding and misuse infertility has angered and outraged thousands of us and until PETA understands what infertility is and isn't, we will continue to push for you to remove any and all mentions of our community, The Resolve Organization and our NIAW.

As you (or whoever wrote the response) state, "Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge for some, but nobody should condemn those who choose to avoid causing pregnancy or any organization that provides them with a means to do so" - the same can be said for anyone who would like to choose to have a baby. I can read in-between the lines and it sounds to me that you are condemning those that seek reproductive assistance if they are unable to get pregnant "naturally" - as if naturally is the best and only way to procreate.

Once again I will state.... infertility is a DISEASE and most if not all did not chose the inability to have children. There is a misconception that "infertiles" are a bunch spoiled, self-centered, rich people who need to see their shape of eyes or nose in their children. This is not the case - again, if PETA knew more about our community and our plight, you'd know just how many of us would take a baby, any baby, today.Your solution? Adoption.... Adoption is not the solution to infertility - it is equally as expensive, if not tens of thousands more expensive and with a lot of red-tape and sometimes years of waiting. What do you people not get about this? It is not as if anyone can call up an adoption agency and order a baby or a kid. You all make it sound like it's as easy as hailing a cab in NYC. It is a flippant and blatantly ignorant response to an already painful and complicated situation. Maybe PETA could help us all out with a baby adoption drive?

In regards to your "we feel better about neutering humans too" contest - The men that I know that have gotten a vasectomy did so because they were done having their own children and they wanted to not have to worry about birth control with their partner or spouse - I hardly think they were pondering the woes of the world, nor was it a moral conundrum when they did so. To suggest a thing is out right comical. It is a fact that not all vasectomies are effective - I have a friend who now has a child AFTER her husband got "snipped." The guy who "wins" your contest will be psyched to have unprotected sex with all the women he can - not very responsible on many levels. It's obvious that sexually transmitted diseases were not on your radar when offering this contest.

I will repeat this again and ask that you take down any mention of OUR National Infertility Awareness Week and never, ever again suggest that what we go through is because we are selfish or lack internal moral compasses.

PETA has proven to me to be a very narrow-minded, one-sided and lack-luster organization. I will make certain that all of my friends, colleagues, loved ones and any future offspring will donate to Resolve.Org in your name.

Your actions are appalling, not shocking... absolutely appalling.

Regards,
JT

Small Victory!!! Thanks PETA... at least you heard us, now the rest of you, listen up!!

2011-04-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

Response from PETA~

Dear Ms. T,
Thank you for contacting PETA about your objections to our contest offering a free vasectomy. We are sorry to have offended you, and we have removed the phrase “in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week” from our website. We understand that this was not a wise choice of words. Please understand that offending people was not the intent.
Our goal was to focus attention on the tragic suffering and death of homeless dogs and cats. Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend. Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge for some, but nobody should condemn those who choose to avoid causing pregnancy or any organization that provides them with a means to do so. Many who choose to have a vasectomy consider it a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes, and when the environment is being ravaged as human population increases. Please know that our campaign was not meant as a personal attack on individuals, such as yourself, who are infertile.

PETA works very hard to prevent the births of puppies and kittens who will end up abandoned in animal shelters or struggling to survive on the streets. Breeding, both purposeful and accidental, is responsible for the euthanasia of millions of these loving companions each year. Sterilization is both the easiest and the most effective means available of ensuring animals’ happiness and safety. Male animals who have been neutered are far less likely to roam far from home or fight. Neutering greatly diminishes and possibly eliminates reproductive urges (which are not the same in dogs as they are in humans). In addition, these animals will never get testicular cancer and run less risk of contracting prostate disease. Female animals who have been spayed avoid the trauma of giving birth and will no longer go into heat.

Consider the fate of the millions of unwanted animals whose parents were never spayed and neutered. Born into a hostile world, they are caged among strangers at animal shelters or, worse, abandoned on the sides of roads. They are run over by cars and attacked by other animals. They are infected with painful, contagious, and deadly diseases. Those unlucky enough to run into cruel humans are often drowned, beaten with baseball bats, suffocated in plastic bags, stabbed, shot, starved, set on fire, used as bait, and tortured in countless other ways. And the saddest tragedy of all is that before they meet some gruesome death, they reproduce, and the cycle of animal suffering continues.

A national organization, SPAY/USA, helps guardians of animal companions who need assistance with the cost of spaying and neutering. You can contact SPAY/USA at the following website and toll-free number:

SPAY/USA

http://www.spayusa.org/

1-800-248-SPAY (7729)

Please take a moment to learn more about issues that affect animal companions, please visit http://www.PETA.org/issues/companion-animals/default.aspx.

Thank you again for contacting us and for the opportunity to share our thoughts.

Sincerely,

HollyAnne Dame

Membership Correspondent

PETA Foundation

757.962.8246

HollyAnneD@petaf.org

Dearest PETA: WE are NOT the cause of world overpopulation!

2011-04-07T12:46:00.003-04:00

Oh PETA... you have out-stepped your bounds...

If you haven't read, seen or heard about this yet, I invite you to take at PETA's new ad campaign that links infertility treatments to world overpopulation and offers a *free* free vasectomy to a man who has his pet spayed or neutered during the month of April.... a two-fer. Wow! Too bad they not only didn't do their research, but they managed to piss-off a community of people who will not sit down or roll-over!

I encourage all of you to visit Keiko's blog to add a link to your letter you send PETA and (please) sign the petition to get PETA to take down this campaign.

My letter to PETA... who no longer has my support as an organization that I can stand behind:

Dearest PETA,

I am one of the thousands, if not by now, millions, of women who has been outraged and compelled to respond to PETA's horrible excuse for a provocative "Win a Vasectomy" ad campaign. I have read the responses given by your company representatives to the many letters that you have received from our community, the infertility community. What I find most appalling is that whoever came up with this campaign within PETA did a horrible and inept job of researching what infertility is and what it isn't. What's worse is that the "think tank" participants thought that this ridiculous ad campaign would be best received if it were hidden, stealth-like, in the middle of our National Infertility Awareness Week, which is spearheaded by the Resolve: The National Infertility Association. To say that you are "honoring" this week of awareness, our week of awareness, is a huge slap in the face to millions of women and men who suffer from infertility.

I too suffer from infertility and what disturbs me most about this ad campaign is the ignorance that PETA has about infertility. Infertility is not about choosing to have or not have children. More than 7 million people, men and women alike, suffer from this disease. For clarity, they are not suffering from indecisiveness over whether or not they want children, they are suffering from real, concrete, and sometimes incurable reproductive dysfunctions. We are all diagnosed by real doctors who have actual degrees and who spend tireless hours working towards cures, procedures and medications to help people cope, not always solve, infertility. Infertility is what we live with and believe me, it is not a choice. Infertility is not only about the inability to "have a child our own," it encompasses so much more. For PETA to minimize it to it just being about procreation is unconscionable.

I understand that PETA likes to use the shock factor in their ads in order to draw attention to their cause. Unfortunately your "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not shocking to me. It is in-line with how the majority of society views infertility. It is shallow, ignorant and completely misses the mark. It saddens me to think that forward-thinking people, such as those who are employed at PETA, can be so narrow-minded in their views on what is the root of the world's overpopulation issue.

My suggestion is that you go back to the drawing board and this time, think outside of the box - though I think it's quite obvious, your creative team did not see what is obvious to most. Did it ever occur to you that a more tactful and potentially more effective way of educating on world overpopulation would have been just that - Educating? Perhaps an ad campaign that linked ignorance and lack of education to the growing pregnancy rates around the world would be more effective. We aren't the bad guys here, we are not the ones that are overpopulating the world! Those that continue to have children out of ignorance, social conditioning and yes choice, are the perpetrators! Why go after our group when clearly there are people, like The Duggars (19 kids...and counting, now THAT's shocking!!) and those that don't have access to effective birth control options, are adding more than their fair share of overpopulating the world. Those of us with infertility could be so lucky to have one child - more often that not, one is enough for us. Why not support a free condom or birth control drive with every dog or cat that comes in to get spayed or neutered?

I invite you to speak with reproductive endocrinologist doctors and those of us facing, struggling and living with infertility to discover what infertility truly is. I assure you, all of us living with infertility are aware of adoption and how many children need to be adopted in the world. If you want to stand for a cause or link yourself to a movement, how about working towards making adoption actually easier and less expensive for anyone who wants to be a parent. Isn't it only fair that we are able to adopt children with as much ease as those who adopt a dog or cat?

I request, at the very least, that you separate your campaign from our National Infertility Awareness Week and find another cause to piggy-back on. Perhaps they will be more understanding, more forgiving. You have outraged, angered and motivated and entire community that you have underestimated. Don't be surprised if you are someday ridiculed, mocked and under-valued for your efforts by our group. Though I doubt that that anyone in our group would stoop so low. We are a group of men and women that are strong-willed, compassionate, tolerable, unstoppable and above all else, know the importance of research and education.

We too have a voice and we will be heard!

With kind regards,
JT

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Public Service Announcement

2011-04-03T12:22:00.005-04:00

After spending a week and a half with my mom who went into the emergency room with heart failure, I now feel like my mom has a higher chance of survival than I do.

Ever since I started having trouble trying to conceive I have thrown myself into learning everything I possibly can about the reproductive system and assisted reproductive technology. Short of actually going out and getting a degree, I have done pretty good with memorizing the terms and procedures, understanding the symptoms and even becoming familiar with distinguishing the medications and their uses. I often feel like a walking encyclopedia, spouting off words that feel as if I had known their meaning my entire life. I am in the game, not on the side-lines; on the floor and ready for action (most of the time). Though it has felt as if I have been benched for the season since we are on the fence about whether or not we are going to do our last IVF (#6). I may be running out of steam. I'd like to think I have it in me to keep this ~~obsession~~ game going, but I may just be fooling myself. I have no clue what the long-term side-effects of IF drugs may be, but I can assure you that the emotional and mental effects from IF are damn near terminal.

So while all of this game-playing is going on in my own small world, my mom has heart failure. She is someone who thought that she was just getting a cold and could cure herself with good ol' fashion home remedies. She was sick for awhile - months, yet she just kept on moving right along. It wasn't until she became very short of breath, couldn't sleep and lost her appetite for foods that she usually loves, that she called for help. She went into the emergency room with very low blood pressure, her lungs and heart full of fluid, feeling very weak = congestive heart failure. Within a week she started to show signs of "getting better" as opposed to "getting worse" - we were elated to see that her body was bouncing back. She still had very low blood pressure and she couldn't hold her oxygen levels without the oxygen supplementation - though she felt fine. No dizziness, no fainting, no pain, no visible water-retention - her Drs called her asymptomatic to "normal" heart failure.

After going through all of this with my mom I realized now, more than ever, that what we do to our bodies now, could (high probability) have major effects on us later (earlier) in life. I have friends that smoked when we were teenagers - still do now in their late 30s (oh and yes they all have kids). Some of my friends, sadly, have drinking problems (yeup, kids too) and some dabbled in recreational drugs (yes, kids galore) - but they all manage to bounce back, at least for the time being. I just wonder if any of them stop to think about the physical repercussions to their choices. Why not be smart about treating yourself well early on so you don't have to be blind-sided by something that can possibly alter your life so significantly that you end up regretting your younger years?

I often wonder if I have done something "wrong" to my body in my younger years to cause my conception issues? I didn't do what my friends did, but surely I had to have done something to create this reality...right?

If my mom's heart disease can be hereditary, could infertility be hereditary? I have looked far and wide into my family tree and I seem to be the only bloke with an empty womb. My cousins are baby-sprouting machines, my mom popped out 3 babies - naturally, without a care in the world. My maternal grandma had 7 kids - her second pregnancy was twins (my mommy being one of them) and my paternal grandma had 6 kids - without incident.

So where does this infertility come from? Why can't I trace it back to drug use (didn't do anything monumental). I didn't smoke or drink heavily, so what the hell could it be? I take good care of myself and for what? The Drs say we still have a fighting chance at parenthood. My mom has a fighting chance at stabilizing her heart disease - which one is more probable?

Perhaps I should take up a drug addiction or eat hamburgers and french fries everyday and chase them back with a 40oz coke cola or even better, a skinny girl margarita. What are the odds that whatever I do to my body not having a negative affect on my body? Can I get away with not treating my body well and end up beating infertility? Is this what reverse-psychology is?

Really, the moral of the story is, no amount of my medical researching or my healthy living habits are going to get me pregnant. I think I am at a dead end. My mom will be on medication for the rest of her life to help pseudo-cure her disease and even if her Drs opt to surgically implant a devise to help her heart, she can go on to live a normal life. Me? Well there will be nothing normal for me if I end up not being able to have kids. I don't think they look at my mom and say that her heart disease is "bad luck" -again, it either got to this point based on how she treated her body in the past or because it runs in our family. My Drs love to tell Sweet Guy and me that we "just" have bad luck.

If luck is all I have on my side, I know I am doomed.

Follow your heart...

2011-03-29T13:23:00.005-04:00

I have left NYC to be with my mom in the midwest. She nearly collapsed last week because she was having
difficulty breathing. Had my uncle not thought to take her to the emergency room, it's likely she would have collapsed at home... and probably died at home... alone.

My sister flew in to be with her before the weekend and I came in just behind her. The moment I heard the news my knees gave way. The moment I saw her, laying in the hospital bed hooked up to a dozen tubes, my heart gave way.

She's been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Her eco-cardio grams have shown that her heart is weak, though her symptoms and cogitative abilities have shown otherwise. Her arteries are clear, though she has irregularities in her heart rate and has low blood pressure. She has had about a million tests and they are looking at either giving her a pace-maker/defibrillator, L-valve assist unit or a heart transplant... *gasp*.

My mom is young. Without going into much detail, she hasn't taken the best care of herself. I'd hardly guess that what is happening to her now is not directly linked to everything she's done or not done to her body over the years. Things can come on sudden, her heart condition could be hereditary - she's also a twin and she could have had a disposition for heart issues from birth.

Who knows. All I know is that life has reminded me, once again, of how fragile we all are and at any moment - hear that? AT.ANY.MOMENT. life can change. Wow... what a reality check.

I have been having a deep-rooted conflict within me over the past month. It all began on March 6th. I went home early from work because I was feeling ill. I curled up on the couch with my dog and my blankets and decided to watch a couple of documentaries that were in my Netflix queue. First, I reluctantly watched The Cove (more info: Take Part) and was hysterically crying on my couch for 2 hours. It is a staggering film about dolphins unnecessarily being slaughtered in the south eastern part of Japan. It was a film I knew I could never watch in theaters, but one I knew I had to see - no matter how painful it was to watch, it was more important to me to be knowledgeable than blubbering on my couch (I think... verdict still out).

The second doc I watched, after convincing my dog to come out of hiding under the bed, was Food Inc. Let me preface this by saying I am a meat eater and will be one from this day forward. I was a vegetarian for 13 years and just couldn't do it anymore... I love meat! However, this movie drives home the importance of buying locally and organically. We really don't know where our food is coming from, nor do we know what is in it. This film shows you this and it is disturbing, to say the least. I was outraged and sad after seeing both of these films.

Then the devastating Japanese earthquake/tsunami hit.... life out of control - Out of my control and out of your control. (Please give what you can: Red Cross Donations). OMG... those poor, poor people!!

The same weekend there was a horrific murder that took place at one of our company's stores. By that Sunday, many of us at work felt tattered, helpless and left with feeling powerless. I had had enough madness and sadness for one week...or a lifetime.

The following week I found out about another friend's joyful news of motherhood. Aaaah... life so not in my control.

With the barrage of images coming out of Japan, the news of mass death and destruction, and the thought that mother nature can wallop us at any given moment, I felt like crawling under the covers and not coming out until the coast was clear.

My heart is big. I am a hyper-sensitive person and all of these events, happening one-after-the-other were taking their toll. I was barely able to get out of bed to face the day for fear that something else was going to happen that would keep me spinning or losing my grip on reality... or what I thought was reality.

Now this.

This is a total game-changer. This is my mother. We live in two different places and though she has no desire to plop herself into the madness of NYC, I can't help but want to tuck her under my arm and take care of her in a NYC taxi cab. How can I be in two places at once? How can I continue to live my life (in a daze) and make sure that my mom has several more years to terrorize the grocery-baggers? I feel powerless and my life has taken on a new meaning - Family is number 1. Oh yes... family... will I ever have my own? I will drop everything - everything to take care of her... and this will make my life look and feel completely different. Am I willing to do this? Can I do this? What else can I do?

Sometimes I wish life could slow down long enough for me to catch up.

Welcome ~Spring~ ICLWers!

2011-03-21T19:57:00.005-04:00

Hi and welcome~

From today until March 28 many of us in the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community open our blogs (hearts) to our loyal readers as well as new readers. I have found ICLW week a fun way to meet new fellow-bloggers and connect with more brave women.

This weekend my husband, Sweet Guy, and I celebrated the Persian New Year. It falls on the Spring Equinox and they count down the clock as if it's December 31st. I like that I have 3 times a year to press restart and begin anew - my husband is Persian and Jewish and therefore we have a lot of really great holidays to celebrate every year. It's tradition to set up a Haft Sin table for the New Year. It means "Seven Ss" and each item that starts with an "S" represents: Love, Beauty, Medicine(health), Mirror, Wealth, Patience, Eggs (for each member of the family - fertility), Gold Fish and a few more elements of importance. It's a beautiful tradition and it's one that I feel honored to be a part of it. Here is a picture of our very first Haft Sin table in our new apt.

We feel like it's a new year, a new time of possibilites and possibly the beginning of good luck coming to us....pretty please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top?

That being said, we have been through quite a lot of over the past 3-5 years. We started trying to conceive on our own 5 years ago and found our way, reluctantly, to IVF January of 2008. We were lucky enough (now knowing how "luck" plays into IVF cycles) to get pregnant, unfortunately we lost Sprout just before our 2nd trimester. After falling into the deepest, darkest hole imanginable, we did a FET cycle and again got pregnany and again, lost the pregnancy. 2008 was a wash. In 2009 we did 2 more IVF cycles and threw in 2 IUIs for good measure, all BFNs. 2009 was a bust. In 2010, we tried naturally, for humor, and transferred our 3 remaining frozen Underdawgs.... and threw in another IUI for kicks and giggles.... yeup, BFNs. This year, 2011, we have racked up 2 more IUIs and are weighing our sanity or insanity of spending another $10,000 on a chance that IVF may work for us. It's hard to keep throwing so much money out the door with no true guarantee at the end of this madness. We know we'd (probably) have a better chance with IVF and we know we should do genetic (PGD) testing, but all of this has truly taken it's toll on my marriage, my sanity, my health, my well-being, my sense of self, my sense of humor and most importantly, I have had a hard time reconciling how some women get pregnant with ease and others find themselves on their backs, legs in stirrups and praying that their Dr can knock them up.

In honor of The Persian NewYear and the start of Spring..... and ICLWers, I am offering my very first giveaway!!!

Awhile back, one of my readers contacted me and wrote me an incredibly supportive email. At the end of her message she asked if she could send me a copy of her book that she wrote about surviving IF and becoming a mom through adoption. UHM.... hell yes I'd love to read your book about getting to the other side of this never-ending valley. Her book has changed my life. She is an amazing writer and her book reignited my sense of HOPE. Sometimes hope is hard to consider while on this well-fought journey.

Maureen has offered to pass along another copy of her heart-felt book (Step Right Up and Take Your Chances) for my giveaway. All you have to do is leave a comment, link your blog if you have one, and share an inspirational thought about HOPE - what it means to you, how you know you have it and how you know are able to hold on to it (if you can). The giveaway will end the last day of ICLW. Maureen (website: http://endo-infertile-adopt.blogspot.com/ ) and I will go through the posts and select someone whose sense of hope inspired us. Maureen will sign a copy of her book and send her bundled hope onto the next lucky reader. Enjoy~

Thanks for stopping by and I wish eveyone HOPE, LUCK, and GRACE while on your journey.

The other shoe has dropped.

2011-03-17T12:02:00.007-04:00

I feel as if my insides are turning into my outer skin - I am so raw and exposed to the elements of life.

I find myself so tired, exhausted to the point where nothing makes sense, nothing seems reasonable. In an attempt to keep myself from drowning in my sadness, pain and frustration of infertility, I have forced myself to get up and start fighting to get my life back. I have been the scientific meaning of Inertia -

The parallel meanings of Inertia as seen in my life:

- that an object not subject to any net external force moves at a constant velocity.
- Inertia comes from the Latin word, iners, meaning idle, or lazy.
- may refer to an object's "amount of resistance to change in velocity" (which is quantified by its mass), or sometimes to its momentum.
-the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.
-An object that is not in motion (velocity = zero) will remain at rest until some force causes it to move.
- And my remembered definition of Inertia from my 7th grade Science class - The ability for an object (i.e. ME) to keep moving in a straight line through space.

I have been just going, and going, and going to the point of losing myself to the need to run as fast as I can from the Phantom of Infertility. Over the past two weeks I have slowly watched my hope recede, watch my strength become weak in the knees and experienced being taken by the under-tow of sadness. I have hit rock bottom. I know it well, it looks familiar. It's eerie. I have been travelling along this supposed path of infertility to motherhood with the absolute belief that I could make it out of this labyrinth with a baby. At this point, from my perspective, I would be lucky to make it out of this alive.

Over the past couple of weeks Sweet Guy has been unusually pro-active in researching vitamins and supplements, talking to his Urologist, taking tests, and getting acupuncture. I thought something had kicked in for him, I thought this all came from his desire to take over the driver's seat and give me a break from driving this mission (off a cliff). He seemed more kind, more patient, more present. I mistook it for us reaching a new, deeper level of our relationship, our marriage. He had determination in his step and it gave me reprieve from my incessant need for always being in action.

This was all before last night.

On my way to one of my classes, I was on the subway with Sweet Guy and one of his best friends - they were on their way to play soccer. They were talking about their mutual friend, Sam, who may or may not be coming to soccer. I asked how he and his newlywed wife were doing and if we were all going to get together anytime soon. Sam use to be that guy that would come to all of our friend gatherings, but since taking up with his new wife, they have divided up their social activities and we barely see them anymore. Sam was Sweet Guy's last possible friend to get married and therefore, in theory, the last of his friends to potentially become a father. They got married in November - I recall one week before my birthday. My husband was asked to read something at the wedding and during the reception, he also gave a toast to the couple. At the end of the toast he said something to the fact that her and I should get pregnant at the same time. Don't ask.... it was funny at the time. Now looking back on it, it was demoralizing as I recall a second when Sam glanced at me and the look on his face was of horror, terror... no, guilt.

During the wintertime we hosted several social gatherings at our apartment. One in particular was a night where we had friends from our life and colleagues from Sweet Guy's office over. One of his partners had knocked up his newlywed wife (after declaring he had done so many drugs in his 20s he was shocked that he, not Sweet Guy, could get a girl pregnant). I had invited a few of my friends I know from the IF community and warned them that *there will be a pregnant woman attending the party - and she is sporting a baby-bump.* We were all fine, though my mind would drift from time-to-time about how a woman with a baby bump is nothing more than an alien. Note to self, Sam's wife - not drinking.

Fast forward to the conversation in the subway. After asking the guys about Sam and his wife I went back to being aware of how utterly exhausted I am from doing 5 million things to try to not think about TTC. I was just about to get off the train, to attend my 3 hour class when I heard Sweet Guy say, "ya, tell her."

Yeup, she's pregnant. Apparently not a little, but a lot.

In that moment, in an instant, I felt as if someone, something, much, much, much bigger than I am punch me in my stomach and rip out my heart and stomp on it. I took the proverbial bullet.... or maybe it's the statistical bullet? I had been a fool. A fool taken for a ride of shame. Are you fucking kidding me???????????????? Them toooo??????????????? This is unbelievable, unacceptable, and painful beyond recognition. This can not, can not be my life!

She knows everything I have been through - because Sam told her. She brought it up to me the summer after we lost Sprout. Her sister had gone through IVF and got two babies out of it. She was familiar with the process and the emotional drain and strain. She herself was concerned about having a baby because she had gigantic fibroids around her uterus. Her Dr said to have a baby soon... and so she did. I feel like such a fucking idiot. Last Fall I was sending her articles and names of massage therapists that specialize in Mayan Massages. I was supportive of her potential process and offered to be there any way I can. But she didn't need it, she was already pregnant. She let me flop around, like a fish taken out of water and she just watched me - couldn't tell me she didn't need anything to help her get pregnant accept for her husband's apparently stellar sperm. They've been avoiding us. Our friend, the one that told me the news, has known for awhile.

Now, aside from the shock and sadness (oh, am I suppose to be happy??) of hearing their news, I am so upset, beyond enraged at both of these guys for telling me this right before I am suppose to go into an important class with 100 strangers. I had tears falling out of my eyes while I walked up the subway steps, I almost got hit by a taxi while crossing the streets because my eyes were clouded with salted tears and when I walked into the room, I had a curtain of tears on my face. It's a great way to make an entrance, if anyone was wondering.
The thing that sends me over the top with rage and fury is that Sweet Guy knew about this 2 weeks ago and apparently he has been "tortured" about how to tell me. He's clearly processed all of this and now I am in the wrong for crying about this - he said, "We should be happy for them."

Ya ok, that coming from someone who hasn't lived through the past 3 years with me, gone through all that we have, maybe that'd be something I could stomach. Though come to think of it, I don't want to be happy for them. They have dozens of people to be happy for them. They are surrounded by happiness and joy and in fact, I am not convinced that they haven't siphoned my happiness joy reserves. I am so incredibly hurt by how this all came out. I feel like a victim, I feel victimised and I feel disrespected. This woman is a professor at NYU, she is brilliant beyond brilliant. She couldn't have figured out a respectable and reasonable way to tell me she is perfect... I mean pregnant?

Purgatory takes on a whole new meaning right about now - not quite hell, but is sure feels like it.

My inertia has been hit with friction and I have been stopped cold, limp in my tracks.

This brings me to the question that most of us don't ask, nor answer.

What is the best way to announce a pregnancy or to receive a pregnancy announcement - albeit from a fertile friend or otherwise?

I will explore this more in my post at The Fertiltiy Blogs - Read my new column/blog - IF, Life and Me.

Does time really heal?

2011-03-08T19:38:00.000-05:00

I just realized that 3 years ago this week I found out I was pregnant with Sprout. What I didn't know then that now haunts me more often then I care to admit.

Sprout came to us at a time when I was so innocent and dare I say, ignorant about the complications of TTC. Many get out of this labrynth with baby in tow, but many of us seem stuck, often times lost in this crazy world of "I want a baby...which way to baby?"

My pregnancy was incredible - an incredible experience. We had transferred 2 robust blasts. It was cold outside, February chill in the air. The transfer was on a Monday. By Thursday I felt this intense gripping sensation below my tummy-button. On Saturday Sweet Guy handed me an hpt and ordered me to pee on it. It came back negative. I remember smacking his arm while I quipped, "It doesn't matter, I already know I am pregnant."

I knew in my core that I was pregnant and that Sprout was a girl.

My beta was the following Wednesday. I was at work when I got the call and I snuck away into a conference room. The nurse said, "Well we got your results.... Congratulations, you're a mommy!" I grinned while she gave me my med protocol and told me when to come back in for my next beta. I called Sweet Guy, crying, and squeaked out between my alligator tears, "Congratulations, you're a daddy!" The rest of the day was a blur...I was a mommy!

I do remember putting together a photo album with her first picture, the 2 blasts we transferred. I scoured through magazines to find the best letters to spell S.P.R.O.U.T. I pasted, glued and rearranged the letters until they were perfect. Her album would be a gift I'd give to her one day and it would have been filled with wonderful memories.

If I recall, I started to get morning sickness around 6 weeks. Mine lasted from 1:00pm until 9:00pm. I always woke up famished, so I'd shovel 2-3 servings of food in by 1:00 and then suffer through the afternoon, falling asleep as I typed on my computer at work and then shuffle home, counting the steps until I got to my bed. I'd fall asleep before 9, so often I'd either have to be force-fed by Sweet Guy or wait until the morning to appease my appetite. I remember going to my in-laws for dinner once - they were making fried chicken cutlets. I sat at the table, face puckered, turning my nose up to the awful smell of hot oil, frying pan oil, chicken frying in that oil. Gag me! All I ate that night was a heaping pile of salad and almost an entire watermelon.

I stopped eating meat. The utter thought of meat made me want to hurl. I craved carbs - pancakes!, fruit - cold fresh fruit, I would guzzle grape juice and the smell of Subway sent me running for the hills. I had gained so much weight, both from the meds and the OHSS that my idiot RE didn't warm me about or diagnosis until it was too late. I was wearing stretchy pants with pride.

Every week we added ultrasound photos of Sprout into her album. She got bigger every week. When I first saw her little arms and legs forming I almost fall off of the exam table. She was cute - I already knew her personality.

Between the time I left my RE to when I met with our OB, my progesterone levels hadn't been checked. It was about 2 weeks until we remembered to check it and when got the results back, the numbers had dropped. My OB put me on prometrium pills. By the time I was put back on progesterone pills, the "all-day" sickness had subsided, so going back to barfy-nausea-land was not adding a spring to my step.

When we did a follow up test of my progesterone, it hadn't gotten any higher since taking the supplements. We rushed to my OB, Sweet Guy's demand, to get an ultrasound. My Dr had told me to wait a few more days, after the weekend, and then come in for an ultrasound. Sweet Guy feared that if the dropping levels of progesterone could indicate an inevitable miscarriage, he didn't want me to go through the weekend with a possible missed-miscarriage, he'd want to know as soon as we could what was going on in my womb. The second the vu-vu cam was in, Sprout kicked! It was hysterical. It was as if she was saying, "I'm fine, get outta here!!!" She was fine - she had grown since our last peek and clearly, she was active. I thought we were in the clear.

The last I remember of her, my most fond memory of her before lightening struck through to the core of the earth, was her very last ultrasound before we did the nuchal scan, followed by the CVS screening test. She was literally swimming in her little sac in my womb: up and down, arms and legs wiggling around. It was precious, precious beyond words. She was spunky, feisty and had an admiral sense of humor.

I was in love.

The rest of the story's details are not important. The days that followed, the tests that revealed what was really going on with Sprout will be the darkest days of my life. I had my heart, my soul and any ounce of hope ripped from my sense of being, and all that I knew to be good in this world changed forever.

I lost my love.

I miss her so much. I miss feeling flutters of her in my belly. I'd take back all the paralyzing nausea for eternity for just one more look at her in my womb. She meant the world to me. She was part of me, part of Sweet Guy, she was our flesh and blood.... made from love, determination, hope, and tireless efforts. Having her in our lives was/is an important part of our lives and remembering her as a brave, loving and playful little angel of a peanut is what gets me through, day after day, the months, and now, years.

After Sprout had passed I asked my OB if the baby was a girl or a boy. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to know.... I replied, "Well I think she was a girl." He looked down at my paperwork and then back up to me and said, "yes, she was."

I was in love....and I have more love to give.... I promise.

Finding Community

2011-03-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

I hope all of you have seen the Today Show's segment that aired February 24th - it shed light on how isolating infertility can be and the need to find support, to find community.

This segment is close to my heart as it featured our NYC Resolve Peer Lead Support Group. I have grown to love these women like sisters. They have become my family and over time, we have shared parts of ourselves that few people IRL even know exist. It's a place I go when I want to be heard, when I want to release my frustrations and of course, I go to our meetings to connect and offer others support and understanding. It's been my lifeline for over 2 years, and for this, I am forever grateful.

When I was going though the loss of Sprout, our Resolve group hadn't formed yet. Even with online support groups, I still felt so alone. I was able to get the facts online, but not the connection, the eye-contact of someone who knew exactly what the suffocating veil of infertility feels like. When I heard about the Resolve group, I breathed a sigh of relief and found reprieve amongst good friends.

Since the airing of this segment, our group has grown leaps and bounds. It's amazing to see new women come in, looking and sounding out of breath - they've often been battling this elements, the madness, on their own and they've come in from the cold. We've created a warm, inviting, supportive and safe home for women going through IF in isolation. I feel proud and I feel humbled to be a part of such an amazing group of women who are helping other women - not judging them, not tearing them down, not abusing them, or be-littling them. This is what community and support is all about. We celebrate the wins and we hold space for those that need to process their pain, fears and broken hope.

Our group has seen a lot of women come and go. I have lost track and count of how many women have passed through our sorority doors. We've watched many, many women cycle and get pregnant. Some women have taken breaks from cycling and therefore, have taken breaks from coming to the group, but we've managed to form a core group of women that makes the group consistent. Those that get pregnant sometimes announce their pregnancies, others don't, and then they are gone from the group, most never to be heard from again. The first year I was there, I didn't become attached to people because I was still too wounded to really let anyone in. As the year(s) progressed, I have become attached to these women, to their stories and to their story ending in a birth of a healthy baby. Now when women leave our group to tend to their pregnancy, I feel a sense of separation anxiety. I miss them. It's hard to not see them sitting across from me, sharing their insides. Their spot at the table is quickly replaced by another lady-in-waiting, but their place in our group, in my heart, is not forgotten. Those from our core that have gotten pregnant, are still part of the core. Thankfully, we still see each other, still have group outings and cheer our pregnant-after-IF-sisters on from the sidelines. Jealousy isn't part of our vocabulary... for the first time since TTC, I find myself rooting for my friends that get pregnant... what a change.

We recently threw a "Send-off with love" for our friend Kaos. She is heading to Oz - CCRM - for perhaps her last cycle with her own eggs. She and I have become close over the past couple of years and I can't even begin to explain how having her in my life, has saved my life. She's one of the most generously kind and caring women I have ever met. She's one of the few women I know that doesn't gossip and she's not petty or judgemental in the slightest. I find myself able to be myself around her without editing, contemplating or planing what I am going to say. When we first became friends, I was at a place where I felt alone, left behind and left out. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I'll be your IF buddy." It was so cute - and IF buddy doesn't even scratch the surface as the kind of friend she's become to me. I know in my heart of all hearts, that she and I will be friends forever.

One of the girls that made the reservation for our dinner, said we were a bachelorette party and asked for a "hot waiter." It was hilarious, the waiter kept waiting for us to start doing body-shots, break out the penis straws and dimestore veils and to jump up on the bar to dance. Boy did we have him fooled. Only one of us ordered a glass of wine, one was in the 2ww, one just came off of a failed cycle, one who just started stimms, and me, who's in a pseudo 2ww, though I did a shot of Jagermeister (!!). We talked about protocols, cycles, seminars we'd been to, doctors in the city, therapists, and sex with our husbands... or lack there of. All while laughing, crying and feeling free amongst familiar faces. We are an eclectic group of women, from all walks of life, sharing a common battle and creating a impenetrable bond.

Kaos leaves today. We are all rooting for her, rooting for all of us...hoping for the day when we are all out of the trenches.

I feel full in my life.

WTF Meeting Part Deux and Wedding Dress Shopping

2011-02-25T21:49:00.003-05:00

Jim Henson's Animal Muppet

Oh this week has just been a mad mess. An annniiiiimmmaaallllllllll of a mess.

First the botched efforts of a free IVF cycle, read the depressing story here - though I guess I should be happy I have too many follicles kicking around in my ovies, just wish they were stellar quality and could do what they were "born" to do and get me knocked up!

Second, I went to see my current RE to get a refreshed protocol for the looming IVF #6 and as I suspected, he still wasn't optimistic about our ability to get knocked up on our own. Though I thought Sweet Guy's boys were doing better, he thought otherwise. We will find out the real truth after Sweet Guy sees his urologist this week. My dr seems to think that IVF is the only, yes only way we will get pregnant. Now, I have been around IF long enough to know that this isn't finite that drs know what we can or can't do - there is a little bit of nature/miracles/magic/dumb luck involved. I could get knocked up.... if the stars aligned, Sweet Guy's boys could put a hustle in their backstrokes, if my fabulously plump ovaries could pump out a healthy egg... oh just one, please - then we could be in business. But the problem is, how much longer will it take? Are we talking more months? More years? I haven't got all day...or many months left before becoming a mom in this lifetime is a distant dream. I know I can have babies in my 40s - I get it, but I want them in my 30s, is that so bad? Since my 40th is the end of the year, it looks like once again, I have to adjust my paradigm, shift my thoughts and quiet the annoying chatter that blurs my emotions and narrows my vision.

Third, we lost a very, very dear friend to cancer this week. He was like family to Sweet Guy and I. The kind of family that makes your heart ache with love. I can't say enough good things about this guy - he will be deeply missed. He was a retired NYC police Sargent and I am sure they will give him a royal send-off. Life is so unpredictable, fragile and uncertain... though death of loved ones is the one certainty that we all have in common.

The one silver-lining this week is that I went wedding gown shopping with my friend - who is also like family to me. I have to admit - I had more fun shopping for a wedding dress for her than I did when I shopped for mine. Shopping for dresses in NYC is decadent and kinda like being in a fairytale. There are amazing designers here and the options are unlimited. We started the day off at my favorite French cafe/bakery in - LPQ. We had a light breakfast and then went down 5th Ave, into all the top-designer shops. Stopped at Bergdorfs. Amsale and Reem Acra. Then we had champagne. We both went to our respective appts (me to my bad-news Dr appt) and met later for tea and dessert at my favorite Italian cafe/ristorante - Bottega del Vino after stopping by JCrew's bridal shoppe (who knew??). Somewhere in there I ate lunch, though it was a blur. It was a fun-filled day, minus the crap news about my odds of having future off-spring.

***Forgot to add that I also had an appt. with a new IF Therapist who is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! She knows the ins and outs of IF as well as knowing all the top Drs in the city. She spoke my language. Even though I don't feel like I am drowning anymore, I felt that by seeing a therapist now, while things are good, I could work on maintaining my sense of hope, joy, resilience, balance, etc. I consider it preventative therapy - and I will definitely need her when I embark on IVF #6. So three cheers for mental/emotional-collapse prevention!

Thanks to ALL of you for your good luck mojo - thinking that those two eggies I dropped this month might actually get discovered by Sweet Guy's (limping) boys... wow, wouldn't that just be a story to tell?

I also stopped briefly at FAO Schwarz (yes, I am a masochist) and had to share this amazing and fun shop they have where your kids (insert "yes, YOUR kids... and MINE") can build and make muppets!! It's fantastic - The Muppet Whatnot Workshop

Toodles from the land of "get me off this crazy ride!"

OH!!! And I changed the title of my blog from "Waiting for a baby bump" to "Baby Steps to Motherhood"... since that's what it's going to take to get me there!

Trials and Tribulations

2011-02-23T19:58:00.003-05:00

Caterpillar pictures (screencaps) from Disney's Alice in Wonderland movie

Last week, while at my fertility yoga class, one of my friends told me about an IVF clinical trial that two prominent clinics were offering. I hemmed and hawed for a few days until she emailed me the contact person's info and I suddenly found myself saying "yes I'd be interested in being your lab-rat, where do I sign?" I printed out about 50 pages of consent forms and crossed my fingers that the Dr I saw 2 years ago would think I was an excellent candidate for this new experimental medication. I got the call yesterday that they reviewed my ~~outdated~~ records and he gave the go ahead. The coordinator ran through a quick version of the timeline and asked when was the earliest I could come in for more vu-vu cam shots, blood-letting and embarrassing questions about my sexual past. I said, "how about tomorrow?".... today I went in.

The coordinator had asked me to bring in my medical updated records - boy was she sorry when she saw me reach into my messenger-bag and pull out a ginormous Staples binder filled with neatly organized medical records from the past 3 years of horror and torture. Dramatic much? She went through 15 pages of the consent form that layed out what I will be doing, as if I had no clue what an IVF cycle entails. I humored her by fist-pumping when she mentioned I'd be using progesterone suppositories instead of those damn 20 guage @ss needles. Woot! She humored me by saying that the study would continue until 12 weeks after the infant, "oh woops, could be infants, as in plural" birth. She was so optimistic about me getting pregnant I swear I was so close to wiping my schedule clean for the day and asking her out to lunch just so I could listen to her waxing optimistic.

We go through the consent and onto the long list of medical history questions. She checked "no" for all infectious diseases, recreational drugs, smoking, allergies, kidnapping of babies in Bugaboos, and of course no to live births. "No, not to my knowledge, though I have had over 100 dreams about giving birth to a baby, does that count?" She then began request a list of the medications that I am on now. I listed folgard, vitamin D and metformin. "Why are you on metformin?" "Oh I dunno, because my Dr says I have PCO ovaries and wants to try to get quality follicles over a massive quantity of follicles." Insert-dead-silence followed by, "this will disqualify you from the trial."

Wha? Huh? Why? She then went on to say that the trial medication could cause OHSS almost without a shadow of a doubt and because they can't alter the doses, I could potentially blow up like a giant easter egg basket, pass out from fluid seeping through out my body and wake up with an IV attached, giving me a blood transfusion. Lovely. Just lovely. She said, "well, you aren't out of the running yet." Still using humor to win me over. She led me into an exam room, took my vitals, I grew an inch! and had me disrobe, don a bizaar looking poncho and wait for one of the hot drs to come and count my follicles.

Th Dr came in, congratulated me on signing up for the trial - why? Then he went in. Lining was 9mm+ and then he asked me what CD I am - 18. "Oh, looks like you just ovulated or about to." Duh, I know my body every well now, thank you. Then he went on to count the antral or resting follicles in my right ovary. I lost count of his measurments by about #10 and he kept going! While my eyes were buggin out of my head he moved the magic wand over to my left ovary. "Hmmm... did you have unprotected sex this cycle?" What kind of a stupid question is that to ask to a woman who's been TTC for a million years. But before I answered, I had a moment of shyness - you know like when you were asked by your first gynochologist if you've ever had unprotected sex and you want to say no, but of course you have to lie? I almost answered "no" out of habit. He went on to say "well it looks like you ovulated 2 follicles this month!" Again, wha? Huh?

While I lay there with bug-eyes and shortness of breath he bagan to count the follicles - the antral and resting follicles - in my left ovary. Again, I stopped following his counting once he got to 10. I kept shaking my head, somewhat in disbelief and also in confusion. When he was done he wished me luck on getting in the trial and went on his way. The coordinator also left the room to let me get dressed and then came back in with a serious expression on her face. She said that it looks I may not get into the trial because of the amount of resting follicles I have. Their MAXIMUM amount, for this too-good-to-be-true trial, is 20. Yeup, 20. for the record, just so I can have it in writing, my resting follicles, on day 18, after ovulating not one, but two little boogers this month, was 31!! Before she left, she bestowed her wisdom while giving me a big hug - she said, "who knows, maybe you'll be calling me in a couple of weeks to tell me that you got pregnant with twins. You know I have seen it happen many times here - women doing IVF and IUI cycles, the cycles failing and then they get pregnant on their own. Just relax, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Just keep your stress levels down and take a vacation."

Now my jaw was on the floor - picture my bugged-out eyes, shallow breathing, sweaty hands, mind spinning, butterflies racing and my thoughts a blur, all culminating into having to pick my jaw up off the floor while I muster a polite response and stop myself from socking her in the nose.

I don't even know what to do with this information. Clearly I am fertile, but what good has it done me? Who cares if I dropped 2 boogers this month? What does this all mean if try as I might, I just can't get knocked up?

I am not expecting the next call to be good news about getting in the trial. In fact, I am almost certain I am not getting in. So now I am back to plan A, which briefly became plan B once I heard about the chance to get a free IVF cycle for simply becoming a medical guinea pig. Plan A consists of revisiting my current Dr to review my protocol. It came to my attention that my last ~~failed~~ IVF cycle and WTF meeting was 6 months ago and apparently we all need a refresher on the facts that ... try as (we all) might, I stll can't get knocked-up with medical intervention... point taken. Next steps are to sign up for a contracted-price program my insurance company offers and plan C is to keep my name on the waiting list for the NY State grant - though it's not looking promising that we, those that need help TTC, will get any love from the state this year.

In between all of this madness, Sweet Guy took it upon himself to call his urologist to see if he could go back on clomid - you know, to up his boys' odds. He's been doing acupuncture and taking mega-supplements for the past couple of months, with little or not prodding from me. Gotta love it! So he went in to get blood drawn to check his hormone levels and when the nurse called, he too got bug-eyed. What is with this week? His testosterone levels were prime - perfect - not a hint of lacking. So no clomid for Sweet Guy. His doctor is shocked that Sweet Guy hasn't been able to get me knocked-up yet because in his eyes, "your #s aren't horrendous and I have seen worse, way worse" Sweet Guy is going in to "talk shop" next week.

I am at a loss. With my bursting-ovary news week and Sweet guy's chart-topping boys, you'd think I'd be bouncing off the walls with glee, but I am just so dumfounded.

I am in the middle of a see-saw. Or in the middle of a magic mushroom. I don't know which way to go, left or right? Which side of the mushroom will get be pregnant and which side will make me lose my mind more?

I end this post by shaking my head. IF is such a puzzle.

Survivors Guilt

2011-02-19T09:12:00.003-05:00

I think I am experiencing a level of survivor's guilt.

Though I am not pregnant nor on the other side of the infertility madness, I find myself at peace with how my life is. This is a far cry from how I was the year I lost Sprout and followed by a chemical pregnancy. I was in the deepest, darkest depression known to man, or rather woman. I had no support, no one that I knew at the time had gone through IVF or fertility treatments. I was an outcast from my friends, as they had all had their babies (some second) and their way of comforting me was by telling me that "well at least you know you can get pregnant, that should give you some comfort!" Oh yes, comfort, that's exactly what I felt after jabbing my stomach and ass cheeks with needles for 4 weeks, gaining 20 pounds from meds and having to say good-bye to a much wanted pregnancy. Comfort? No, tortured is more like it.

I am coming up on 3 years since I was pregnant with Sprout. T-h-r-e-e years. Where, oh where, did that time go? It's all a blur. I have done 4 IVFs and 4 IUIs since I lost Sprout. I call it "my attempt to get pregnant by going backwards." Yes backwards. I was one of those lucky ones that got pregnant on our first IVF try. I remember thinking, "Wow, that was easy!" Did I piss off the Gods by thinking I could have been so lucky? Was there a lesson to be taught, to be learned from having something I wanted so badly ripped away from my womb? What lesson could possibly be good enough to have had to let go of a beloved pregnancy, a life-long dream?

In those three years since our good-bye, I have carried a deep, dark, festering secret about how Sprout went from being in my womb one day to being only a memory the next. I have tried to "cleanse" my soul, my conscience many times - seeing psychics, getting Reiki, meditating, doing therapy, you name it, I have tried it. It wasn't until my weekend seminar that I talked about here, that I finally, and fully, let go of the guilt I felt around my pregnancy and loss of Sprout. I literally felt that the seminar was like taking a roto-rooter to my psyche, my mind, my emotions, my being and clearing out all the shit that has constipated me for three years. I am clean, clear and free from all the sadness, frustration and guilt that has been building up and building up and building up. I feel that I finally have room for a baby to be in my womb. The path has been cleared away and I feel good.

There seems to come a time while on this journey when, after as many blows as I have taken, that many of you have taken, we either call "uncle," throw in the towel, choose another path to motherhood or living child-free, or continue to be smashed down over and over again by the monsterous waves of "the infertile's plight to fight the odds," or we get pregnant and are able leave the land of infertile and fumble their way through "pregnant-after-infertility-but-I-am-still-scared-and-not-out-of-the-woods-yet-until-I-give-birth-then-I-will-relax-and-believe-THIS-is-real." Something shifts at some point, for most of us. I think it's a moment when we see that we have a choice. We have a choice of how to deal with what life keeps firing at us. This is what it comes down to - choice and feeling empowered again. Choice, what a concept. I have been given the biggest gift I could imagine in life - the ability to see that I have a choice in how I handle infertility (or anything). I have chosen to live my life as a fertile, knowing that it's only a matter of time before I have a baby in my womb again.

This has been percolating in my posts for awhile now. My last IVF was August of 2010. I have done 2 IUIs since then, but for the most part, I have been concentrating on other ways of being in the world. I wrote a post about filling my pie hole. Infertility robs us of a full life. It effects all, and I mean all areas of our life. If we were to take those pieces of our life (our pie) out, we'd be left with an empty, vacant hole. Which is what I have been walking around with for many years. I have been working extremely hard on filling that pie-hole, filling my life back up with things, people, experiences, moments and thoughts that make me feel good.

I will say it again, I feel good.

This brings me to why I feel like I have survivors guilt.

I have noticed that when someone who blogs or is in an online group get's pregnant (or choses adoption), they either have less readers, less posts or has to move into a new online group - Leaving behind those that are still TTC, leaving behind all of those supporters that were by her side at one time. They enter into an in-between land, hoping and praying that indeed they have left the land of barren and are on the blissful pregnancy path. However, they feel alone and they don't quite fit in. How many times do you read posts about pregnant-after-infertility women feeling guilty? How many times do you hear them say that they still wear the badge of "(in)Fertile warrior" while in Dr's waiting rooms, surrounded by fertile pregnant women who just don't get it? These "survivors" who use to get all that amazing support and sisterhood are suddenly out on their own. A group of women who were once bonded by super-glue now become separated by a pregnancy or adoption announcement.

Or in my case, I feel that I have lost readers because I am no longer drowning. I feel as if I have survived the torture and no one wants to hear about how happy I am while I still fight this battle. I think this community of bloggers is amazing - the support is unparalleled, but it also seems to be click-ish and it makes me sad and feel like I am back in high school. I feel like if I don't write about how painful infertility is, I won't get any readers or comments. I see other bloggers comments rise when they pour their heart's out about their darkness, but when I share that "I've seen the light," my blog goes dead. Am I an outcast...again?

I have been hoping that my posts have been encouraging and not irritating. I am not drinking some "happy-juice kool-aid" that has made me think that dealing with infertility is really fun. Quite the contrary, I have been trying to find a way to keep myself from drowning in this sea of sadness, trying not to go mad from the emotional blows and working my way back out of a hole that stretched as far as the earth's core. Life happens, regardless of how good or deserving we think we are. I have lived my life for the past 5 years wondering what I had done wrong to have this kind of shit luck and it's only when I started having compassion for myself that I realized that I can get through this journey in one piece. But I don't want to do this alone - I don't want to leave anyone behind. I try consciously to write posts of encouragement, rather than how sad I am in hopes of helping just one other woman through this labyrinth of a journey. We don't have to be swallowed whole. Yes I still have my bad days, I am still human, I haven't become an alien pod that lacks emotions. I just want more out of life than sadness and defeat.

Am I alone on this journey?

Am I the only one that thinks that life can still be fun even when our hearts are broken, our breath is shallow and our friends are all pregnant?

Brave New World

2011-02-11T18:26:00.004-05:00

Today was a rough day for me.

Per usual I am riding the wave of emotions while trying to stay afloat. Some days I get perspective on infertility. Some days I have an outer-body experience where I see myself and others from a birds-eye view and I just shake my head. How can this all be happening? How can infertility even exist.

There have been some amazing articles in the recent days about the importance of talking about infertility, both from the perspective of getting the right information out there as well as screaming from the roof-tops in hope that insurance companies can take us seriously. (Read THIS amazing article in the Huffington Post or THIS article about the mind/body balance found in fertility yoga).

All of these amazing articles have two things in common - they shed light on this epidemic and they are all followed by hideous and rude comments. I am appalled by all fo the ignorance floating around about what infertility is and what it isn't. It makes me want to either shrivel up and stop wasting my breath, or get a bull-horn and literally scream from the roof-tops, or throughout the busy streets of NYC. I mean, ICK... truly ICK!

People can really be cruel. this cruelty clearly stems from not having a clue what infertility is (or isn't). How many times can I count the comments about IVF only being used to get pregnant with twins or that women who go through treatments to get pregnant are selfish and should just *gasp* relax or for Godsakes, why don't you just adopt?! These insensitive and naive comments drive a dagger straight to the heart of why I feel it's my plight in life to set the record straight about infertility and what its like for those going through this process.

Wow what we go through. The internet has become the mecca for heart-felt thoughts and amazing and triumphant stories, shadowed by heartbreak, heartache and determination, against all odds. This is the place that we have found community, where we have found family. These blogs, these words, are the truth about infertility... the plain, raw and naked truth. How can anyone take what we experience and trivialize it?

I tried to think back to before I even knew that infertility existed. I remember talking to a woman about 7 years ago that I worked with that had had trouble conceiving. She ended up doing an IVF and had a cute baby girl. I remember thinking to myself, "wow, she must have really had something wrong with her. I guess it was her age?" She was 39. Then I remember even further back hearing about the horrors of IVF drugs - that they turn you into a monster! I referred to the entire process not as IVF, but as "test-tube babies" being born to women who were too old to have babies the normal way. I couldn't imagine going through an IVF - it was so far out of my realm of possibilities that I recall the moment when my first RE declared that that was the only way we'd get a baby - I broke down crying in hysterics in her office. "No, not me!!!! I can't be one of those women!!"

I was naive to say the least and I feel ashamed because I am right in the thick of it. Experiencing life like I never would have imagined.

I had to go to the infant section of Macys the other day to buy not one, but two bundled gifts for our two different friends that have just had babies. The first friend (close friend of Sweet Guy's) experienced a horribly sad journey to this wonderful moment. They had two trisomy-21 babies and had to terminate both times. She also had 2-3 miscarriages. I remember hearing her story and wishing that I had the nerve to call her and tell her that I am here for her. Sprout had T-21 too. When she got pregnant with this baby she literally, and I am not exaggerating, did not do anything for 9 months, short of drive 1-2 miles to see family and that was it. They were SO worried about losing this baby that they didn't want to chance any variables of life that may cause another loss. Needless to say, I had a smile and a slight ache in my heart when I picked out two outfits, a soft blanket and an even softer bear to send to them. The second gift was for Sweet Guy's best friend - the one who is married to my nemesis. They got pregnant with their first right after Sweet Guy and I got married 5 years ago. We went out to LA several times to be with them and their new baby boy. It was painful, so painful. The story goes on about how she thinks I am too old to have babies and that women over 35 shouldn't have babies, that she will have her second baby before she is 35 and lastly she told Sweet Guy (recently) while they were in Vegas that Sweet Guy and I are not going to have babies... "you've already been trying for 5 years, it's not going to happen, so if I have a boy, I will name him Oliver, even if it's the name you want to name a son that you won't have." I wish I had been there - she was pregnant with her second baby then, but I swear, I would have let her have it. She had a girl. Their family is complete and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of her gloating about how everything worked out as she planned. When I picked out two outfits for her perfect little girl, I couldn't help but wish I was on the moon, far, far away from these painful feelings I have. I hate that I could be jealous of someone else's life, it is just not like me to want what other people have, that was something I got over years ago, until I wanted to have a baby.

I had breakfast with two of my fertile warrior friends today. One is still trying - 5 IVFs and now she's pulling out the big guns and heading to Colorado for her 6th cycle. If that cycle doesn't work, she's moving onto DE. The other one was getting ready to do her 4th IVF this January when she found out she had a Christmas miracle growing in her womb. The perspective of pregnancy when you are on this side of things seems like a distant dream, but for those that cross- over - that get pregnant, their perspective still lingers in fear and sadness. It amazes me that infertility can hold us captive on this end of the journey and all the way through the tunnel of pregnancy. My friend is terrified that she will lose her pregnancy. She says she knows too much of what can go wrong. I get it. I really do. This is a reality that needs a voice too. People think that once someone who went through hell to get pregnant finally does get pregnant that it's now a walk down a rose-petaled pathway with Cinderella's birds chirping overhead. It's not - I remember the survivor's guilt I felt when I got pregnant with Sprout. I had only been in an online group for a short time, but I was instantly bonded to the women who were my cycle buddies and I felt so badly that most of them didn't get pregnant on our shared cycles. This is another IVF myth - One IVF doesn't always work. I thought it would and it did for me... though it ended badly and it's all been down te never-ending rabbit hole since then.

Today I am sad. I am tired. I am lost. I want out of here. I am in disbelief.

I am brave and I know I will make it out of this labyrinth.... someday.... When? Who knows. How? Not a clue. All I know is that this sucks and I have every intention of not staying here much longer, I can't play in this sandbox anymore. I want to experience the other side of this valley, the other side of this madness. It has to get better, it just has to.

Coming Clean and Getting Complete

2011-02-07T19:53:00.005-05:00

This weekend I attended an incredible seminar - The Land.mark Advanced Course. I had done the Forum 6 years ago, right before I met Sweet Guy. I didn't think I'd ever continue taking their curriculum after I took the Forum, but my company at the time paid for it, so I did it. By the time I had done the Forum, I'd attended and participated in several amazing courses and I thought I had reached my peak-potential. The company I work for now also believes in the this program and paid for me to take the Advanced Course, so I did it...again. Landmark provides self-empowerment courses and has often been labeled a cult. My response to that is - "Usually cults KILL their followers. This "cult" empowers you to LIVE your life to it's fullest. If it's a cult, then I'd be happy to join one that supports life." Needless to say, it is an intense course to take, it calls you to bring your A-Game, to dive deeply into your past, to go beyond scratching the surface, get to the core of why and how you are in this world. Scary, right?

One might think actually choosing to feel pain, to face scary (made-up) demons that lie within or take responsibility for your wacky childhood and stop blaming your parents, all while sitting amongst 100+ people for 14 hours a day for three days straight, would be crazy-talk, but it actually transformed the way in which I see infertility, how I see that I have been the cause of my own madness, my own hell, just by simply deciding that because I haven't gotten pregnant yet on my own, I am infertile.

I am not infertile.

I don't need to try to have a baby.

I don't need to try to be a mom.

I am fertile.

I create the possibility of motherhood.

That is all, nothing else.

I got complete with losing Sprout. Really complete with what I was hiding from and what I was afraid of. I feel that I finally have space (where?) to create a new life - inside of me! It took all weekend long, with a lot of listening to others, sharing, crying, writing and eating good food to finally get that I create my reality and it's been made-up of thoughts I have had about my experiences with TTC. I have made-up an entire story about myself, about this community and about what (in)fertility is and what it isn't; and it's all a big fat LIE!

Phew! Damn does it feel good.

I got AF on Saturday morning of the seminar. I knew it was coming because I had taken my temps since Friday morning and they had dropped each day. I was in this session processing my, er, a life, while simultaniously experiencing another failed cycle and I was able to stay present with what was happening and I was peaceful, I mean deeeeply peaceful, for the first time in 5 years - while my body shed it's potential, I rebuilt mine in my mind.

I don't want to do another IVF cycle just to do it. I want to do another IVF cycle to get pregnant, to have a healthy pregnancy and to give birth to a baby. That's not the game, to see how many IVFs or IUIs you can rack up in a lifetime. That's ridiculous. All of this is ridiculous! I am more than tired of this, I am O.V.E.R. operating from this side of things.

I don't have any answers and I am ok with this.

I am just sitting here, marinating in the possibility of... EVERYTHING and from my vantage point, it looks pretty damn good.

Lastly, I was in the NY Times this weekend - the day AF showed up. I had an opportunity to be "quoted" in the article, but I chose to pass, though I am in the photo. You see by the time this article went to press, what I would have said in that article would have come from "the old me" and though I am sure I would have told the truth, it wouldn't apply in the new space I have created. So I am happy that my picture is a part of the article and not my story.

Hope you have had a chance to read the article - it is really good! It touches on the importance of supporting ourselves through yoga, acupuncture, community, creative hobbies and anything else that can help keep your head above water while going through this process. Oh and of course, beware of the ~~stupid~~ comments. Oh and that's my girl Kim in the article too.

Yoga’s Stress Relief: An Aid for Infertility?

And my most favorite quote of d'jour:

Onward and Upwards!

How do we make it through the 2WW without losing our minds?

2011-01-31T08:02:00.000-05:00

Creation/Leonardo Di Vinci

I don't know what it is about the 2ww, but I can go from being a calm and cool cucumber to a freaked out, stressed out, worry-wart who would rather hide under the covers and pretend like any place is better than the place of wonder.

I just did my 4th IUI - it's preceded by 5 IVFs. This path has been long and hard and I am nearing the end. I don't know what's ~~worse~~ better, knowing this torturous journey has an end or knowing that I may never be a mommy. There's a need for this to be over, but it's a hard reality to swallow. Sweet Guy is not ready to throw in the towel, but I am so exhausted, I am so depleted, I am so tired of negotiating with my psyche in order to remain sane.

It's been one week.

The first 7 days I had major pain in my ovaries after pushing out 3-5 follicles. WOW! That hurt! Then the pain/ache went from the ovaries to my uterus. The cramping and aching was steady and wasn't alleviated by new sleeping positions or how much I stood or sat. I went to my acupuncturist on Saturday and the treatment cured the pain. Now, as I round the bend towards the end of the 2ww, I feel nothing. I know, I know, it's WAAAAY too early. It's just about this time when you think that the first week's symptoms were nothing, but the second week's symptoms (or lack of) should mean something.

I love feeling PUPO. It's fun to imagine what the days ahead will be like. I love how my imagination takes me to another land, a fertile land, full of hope, possibilities and a baby at the end of journey. I want the symptoms, any symptoms, I need a sign, I need the hope to be a beacon for all good things to come.

Is that too much to ask?

On another note, I have a touching story to share about a dear friend of mine who is giving a couple one of the best gifts imaginable.

My friend, nameless, has been approached by a friend of hers to be her egg-donor. My friend is 25 and her friend is 40. They've known each other for several years and her friend felt like nameless is similar to her enough in looks and personality, that she'd be a good match to help her dreams to come true. My friend is familiar with what I am going through, but of course, as someone on the outside of this madness, she could listen and be supportive, but she didn't have a grasp on the entire enchilada. She was a bit over-whelmed and had no idea what she was about to get herself into. She's had her bloodwork done, seen the psychologist and has been given her protocol - which might as well be a sheet of paper written in Chinese. Thankfully, she's going to one of the top facilities in the city and I know she will be in good hands. Once she told me that she decided to move forward with this, I was compelled to stand by her side, to hold her hand through this process and to decipher the Chinese so she can understand what she will be going through.

I feel like a mama bear taking care of her cub. It's this type of instinct and desire to support and protect that I am convinced that motherhood has to happen for me.

Ugh! I can't stand this anymore - What do you do during your 2ww that helps the time pass and keeps your mind from jumping off the deep end?

Happy January ICLW !

2011-01-23T16:35:00.001-05:00

Doreen Virtue - Angel Therapy

Welcome earthlings to my blog - the place that houses my emotional vomit about TTC and rarely much else.

I am just about to go through my 4th IUI - this after 5 IVFs - I triggered today and will go in after Sweet Guy makes his deposit tomorrow morning. My lining is better than last Clomid cycle in November, over 7mm. I had 3 trusty follicles last Thursday and 2 more decided to show up, though both laggin a bit in size. It's possible that they have a mature follicle in 'em and it's also possible that they were just for show. So 3 is the magic number in my mind - though not in the case of having triplets. I'd cry a river if that happened.

My full story is summarized on the right-hand side of my blog, or you can check out the tab up top called "The Story of Us." I have been through a lot in the past 5 years, but somehow, by some strength I didn't know I had, I march forward and often times with a smile on my face.

My last hormone workup made me smile a big chesire cat smile - My FSH was 5.6 and LH was 4.7, I am still hanging strong as I round the bend towards 40. I often have nightmares of going into my RE's and having them tell my that my numbers jumped off a cliff and it's all over for me - done, dried up those dangling balls of DNA. But so far, something good has been on my side. Though we are mostly dealing with male factor infertility, so the spotlight should be on Sweet Guy's boys, but they tend to be shy and sluggish. They've had some good moments though and hopefully tomorrow will be a show-stopper.

Sometimes I like to add a part to my blog posts that has nothing to do with TTC (refreshing!) It's called:
These are a few of my favorite things... and this is where I will leave you - with one of my favorite things this week...enjoy!

A friend of mine at work has an amazing singing talent. He has released this single on iTunes and it's a must have for those that are looking for a feel-good song. He is one of my favorite people on the planet - he has a witty sense of humor and he is as pure and honest as they come.

To purchase, go to I-Tunes and search Nick Moran / Out of my control~

Slow Burn

2011-01-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

I woke up nice and early this morning to make it in for monitoring hours at my RE's. As I sat on the bus, stop after stop, watching people shuffle in from the cold, my mind drifted off to that place of hope and wonder.

Last time I did a (dumb) IUI was in November (I am doing them to pass the time until our next IVF), I was on 100mgs of Clomid for 5 days - from CD5-9. I produced one big, plumb follicle that was reaady to trigger on CD14. Clearly it didn't work. I don't have high hopes for IUIs as I am a realist and realistically, since we are dealing with Male Factor infertility, it's truly a shot in heaven on earth that we'd get pregnant from an IUI. And yet I try.

My lining back in November was barely 7mm. It was fair, but coming from IVFs where my lining was well into the double digits and my follicle counts were that of a chicken coop, I haven't been able to shake the "why am I bothering to do this....again" rampant, continuous thoughts. This cycle I took Clomid from CD3-7 and this time, Clomid turned me into a psycho-woman (q'est que c'est) and made me sweat like a you know what in church... or whatever that joke is. Needless to say, aside from the horrible side-effects, I haven't felt anything going on in my womb, no party happening, no pings, no pangs, nothin'. I was dreading seeing my ovaries on the ultrasound screen.

However, I found myself this morning, taking the familiar path to Madison Ave with a slight spring in my step. As I entered the elevators to the 10th floor, I took a deep breath and said to anyone who was silently listening, "please give me some promising news today." In and up I went to get my ump-teenth ultrasound exam; another look at my insides, the mysterious womb that eludes me.

To my (shock) delight, I have 3 follicles growing in my little over-achieving, under-baby-producing ovaries!

They were, are, still little - only 13mm, but hey, they are all the same size and apparently they are in this game together. My lining is scant - another stupid side-effect of Clomid, but I am drinking stinky Chinese tea, getting acupuncture done and willing my lining to get more cozy and fluffy to host the trio of follicles that will be heading it's direction soon.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have 3 (!!!!!!!!!) follicles growing, just from Clomid. I felt like it was the first bit of any good news with a cycle that I have had in a long while. I remember the day, last August, when we had done our 5th IVF cycle (frozen) and I found out that all three of my embryos (the underdawgs) made it out of the deep freeze. It's funny that I get excited about these microscopic masses of DNA.

So, back on Sunday for yet another ultrasound and we will take it from there.

Hopeful? Maybe.

Happy with the promising news? Heck ya!

Hi diddle dee dee

2011-01-18T17:28:00.001-05:00

I am lagging behind in blogland. I can't seem to keep up with all of the posts, updates, cycles, BFPs, BFNs, births, etc. There is just too much going on and too many of you to keep up with - especially while I take a much needed break from Infertile-brain.

Truth be told, I am in a good place.

Though I do wake up every morning, just before I am in full-conscious mind, and tell the Universe, God and whomever is out there that can "get things done", I am done with this infertility crap! Enough already! I am so sick and tired of being here, waiting, pining, whining, tampering with my patience or sanity. I am over it, over it like not wanting to hear about one more Over 40 celebrity giving birth "naturally" to their "biological" baby(ies)!!!

Enough for God sakes! There must be another way around the bad-luck mountain. There just has to be a way to make it out alive.

Whatever. Let's get back to The Distraction of 2011...

I have been so focused on lining up my personal, health and career goals, that I almost forgot to document that I am going to do an IUI this week!! I have been so submersed in filling my holey pie, dedicated myself to other parts of my life, and even found time to pursue a new career direction - surely I have earned the title of one of those women that got pregnant when she wasn't thinking about it!

Truth be told, again. I do think about pregnancy, birth, being a mom, being a family... everyday. There is just no escaping that yodeling voice that echoes throughout the caverns of my heart.

But in an effort to maintain my sanity, I have quieted that voice, hushed that desire, muffled that scream, and to my delight, I feel human again. My life feels so full right now, it's almost foreign to go about my day and have so many things planned, to do, that I rarely find myself catatonic under the dining room table.

Remember - this is my last year of TTC. If it doesn't happen, then at least I have a jump-start on filling my gaping hole with something (anything) that could possible bring me joy. It sucks that infertiles face this emptiness that is on it's own timeline to be filled.

I am still here, are you?

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

2011-01-06T18:55:00.009-05:00

Sometimes I forget that I have trouble conceiving...that I am one of those women. I go on about my day, business as usual, passing people, many people on the busy NY streets, cars pass, buses honk and taxi cars are dodged. I get to work, laugh with my co-workers, think about what I will make Sweet Guy for dinner and then BAM! A young mother walks in, pushing her Bugaboo or a pregnant woman asks which of our pants are best for spinning classes... wha? Huh?

I have been doing so well these days - as posted in my last post, the past couple of months, through the holidays, I managed to enjoy life. Not just a little, I mean I actually lost track of time and space. I have drowned myself in social events and have been having so much fun I have literally forgotten about my empty womb.

Until today.

Infertility can only be a stranger for so long and then it comes back, front and center like that damn PMS zit. I tried to keep her at bay for as long as possible - 2 months is pretty good, no?

It's official. This month marks the 5 year anniversary of Sweet Guy and I embarking on "we are planning to have a family." F-I-V-E YEARS.... what kind of nonsense is that? Who does that? Who goes through this kind on madness and actually survives with any sense of themselves in the end... is there ever an end? Please tell me there is an end!??

Oh how naive I was 5 years ago - 34 and thinking I'd have 2 kids by 40 and be done. Happy and done. Now I am lucky if I get pregnant before I turn 40 and as it stands now, "done" isn't in my vocabulary. Though exhaustion often temps me to throw in the towel.... needles, progesterone-in-oil and lupron can kiss my ass!

So here I am. These are the places I have been and who knows where I will go. When I was 7, I met Dr. Seuss. My mom, yes, the same amazing mother that hired dear ol' St. Nick, designed costumes for an amazing play of another great book, Bartholomew Cubbins and the 500 Hats. It was the first time any of Dr. Seuss' books had been creatively interpreted into a play. It was a big deal, so big that Mr. Seuss came to opening night (he was very old and frail and reminded me of Col Sanders). That, along with meeting Santa, is a childhood memory that still creates butterflies in my heart. Dr. Seuss is my idol - brilliant, brilliant man with a huge heart, a wild imagination and a love for child-like philosophies.

So, in memory of Dr. Seuss, and the innocence I harnessed 5 years ago, I give you inspiration to continue along this tempestuous road:

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

I'm sorry to say so
But, sadly it's true
That bang-ups and hang-ups
Can happen to you.

On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

Will you succeed?

Yes you will indeed!

Midnight Mass

2010-12-25T10:08:00.007-05:00

This has been an interesting month since I turned 39.

Not only did I not collapse from turning one year closer to 40 nor melt into a puddle of despair about not being a mom yet, I have managed to celebrate a holiday season that I have verbally cursed-out for the past 4 years. I have truly enjoyed this year's festivities whole-heartedly and for the first time, in a longer time than I can imagine, I look forward to the new year.

Sweet Guy and I are loving being in our new (bigger) apartment and have taken advantage of the space by throwing dinner parties for our family and friends. We are even throwing our friend's husband a surprise birthday party on January 1st. I feel like an adult in my apartment - 39 and finally an adult.

My husband in a non-practicing Jew and I am a non-practicing Catholic, so this holiday season has been a combo of half-traditions and mostly making of new ones. We have a beautiful Menorah that we lit candles for every night of Hanukkah. This was in honor of Sweet Guy's grandmother. We got a tree and hung stockings in honor of my grandmother who passed on Easter morning of this year. This is the first Christmas without her and she was definitely in my heart and mind while I festively decorated our apartment.

When I was little we'd attend Midnight Mass - a long Catholic Midnight Mass, that at that age, seemed to last 2 weeks long. We'd then sleepily walk home with my mother holding my hand and balancing my sleeping brother in her remaining arm. It was the three of us and she always made this time of year feel like it was "the most wonderful time of the year." We'd stumble into our front door and within an instant we'd be pumped full of explosive adrenaline and race towards the Christmas tree and tear open all of the presents as if our lives depended on it. One year, the year before I found out that mom was Santa, we actually caught Santa in the act of leaving presents under the tree. That's right, mom had hired a jolly ol' soul to dress up like Santa and surprise her little babes with the greatest moment that a child, who believes in Santa, could ever experience. That Christmas is burned in my memory.

Every Christmas since then I have tried to relive the moment where I believed in the magic of Santa. It was a childhood memory that holds priority in my catalog file of happy moments. In our family it's tradition to open presents on Christmas Eve. We are of Norwegian decent and I have heard that this is where the tradition comes from - Scandinavia, Germany and Eastern Europe. In my opinion, it's a tradition that I will never break - the lights of the tree are the most beautiful and I remember my mom appreciating being able to sleep in while we woke up at 5 in the morning to go play with our shiny new toys.

This year, since I am feeling full of holiday cheer, I found myself being as traditional to my childhood as I could. We went to our friends house last night for dinner, all the while I was fantasizing about attending a Midnight Mass - and how I could bribe Sweet Guy into sitting through a 1 1/2-2 hour ceremony about baby Jesus. Our friends are non-practicing Christians and of all the years I've known them they have never mentioned attending church, nor attending Midnight Mass. However, last night, as if someone heard my desire, our friends sister and her son mentioned how they'd like to go this year to Midnight Mass.

So off we went, piled into two cabs, down 5th Avenue, surrounded by the most beautiful twinkling lights you can ever imagine, we found ourselves at the 5th Avenue Presbyterian Church. When we arrived the organs were playing and my heart fell open. It was a beautiful ceremony - a little different than a Catholic ceremony (shorter) but the message was clear and the celebration was pure. I had halfway wanted to convince everyone to travel two more blocks down to St. Patricks, one of my favorite Churches in NYC, but I didn't want to push my luck. I was where I needed to be and it was a perfect night.

After the ceremony, I felt a familiar feeling brewing in my body. I practically had to carry Sweet Guy to the curb to hail a cab and when we got home, though we both had been tired, we found a second wind. As I flashed a big grin his direction, I somehow found myself convincing him that we should dive under the tree and open all of the presents now, tonight! Our dog, who also got a stocking this year, joined in the fun - he could sniff out his treats a mile away. It was a blast! We were delirious and though the intensity of excitement has waned over the years, the impact of the spirit of Christmas was still alive in my cells.

I didn't see Santa this year, but Sweet Guy surprised me with a trip to Italy in the Spring.... IVF #6 can wait, 'cause this girl is living her life!!

The most real thing there is, is that which cannot be seen...

These are a few of my favorite things:

Jackie Evancho - Beautiful songbird

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

UP! Everyone should see this movie

BUON ITALIA!!!

Santa Croce, Firenze

A Room with a View

Filling my empty pie

2010-12-15T08:52:00.001-05:00

Infertility effects all parts of our lives.

This we know.

If we were to draw a circle, a pie, and divide it up by by how much infertility effects our relationships, our marriage (or partnership), our job, our health, our mind, our emotions, our faith and our sanity, oh wait, that's our mind. We'd see that there isn't a sliver of that pie that isn't colored by infertility. If we were to take those pieces (of crap) out of the pie, what are we left with?

A big fat hole.

Nothing,

Nada.

Ziltch.

No wonder we feel so hopeless, helpless and miserable while fighting this sometimes up-hill battle.

This is why I have been focusing on the mind/body elements while I lumber along. It's proven to be somewhat beneficial as I maneuver and navigate the passing days. Most of the time I feel good. These past couple of months have been more joyful than the last 4 years combined. My efforts to try to have a life again have reminded me of who I am, not who I was, but who I am now that I have been in this for awhile and have a few (too many) battle wounds. I feel more relaxed and can find myself, not often, but often enough, not thinking or not panicking about how I am going to have a baby, when am I going to have a baby, why don't I have baby.... whhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy? I digress...

The only time that I feel bumped off this collision course with joy (yes, I need to smack it head-on in order for it to have an impact in my life) is the day I start my stupid period. WOW does that day suck a big dog butt. It happened two days ago. I actually took my temp for the two days leading up to the fated day, thinking that my temps were still high and my bubbies were still super sore... maybe, just maybe, please! Had the stars and planets aligned? Had the fates have pity on me for all of my tireless efforts? Had my time, finally come? Had a miracle, yes, a m.i.r.a.c.l.e. occurred?

Nope.

Ouch!

I have decided, after losing my faith- watching it fall and smash into a million tiny pieces, that this has nothing to do with God, the Universe or the Forces that Be. Shit happens, life happens. It's our faith, our beliefs in ourselves (or a higher power) that gets us through this madness. I have felt alone and abandoned by God. I have felt alone and abandoned by my friends and family. The only thing that is a constant in all of this is me. I am here everyday, through every single up and down, I endure. I have to believe in myself. I have to believe in the process. This path can't only be laced with bad luck. There must be something good, some reason good enough, a life lesson that trumps all life lessons.... there must be a baby at the end of this tunnel. Right? At this point I have no attachment of where this baby comes from. I am too broken-down, too tired to be stubborn or controlling of how the outcome turns out.

With that, I stay the course. I stay on this dizzying and tumultuous course in hopes of there being an end that makes me smile and that while on this course I am able to fill my pie-hole with things that help me maintain a life/balance so I am not consumed by the sadness of infertility.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Where I am now... negative dark, despairing cloud, take that!

2010-12-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

Well I think I did it.

I think I have finally, FINALLY, let myself feel a little bit of joy.

Things has shifted and my life feels different, even though it looks the same.

I couldn't handle stewing in the IF depressing stew anymore. My life was speeding by and I wasn't seeing or experiencing any of it. What if I never get to be a mom? I will have lived these past four years in a vacuum and have nothing to show but a battered ol' soul, a body full of needle holes and a mind filled with fear and worry.

I am sick of it!

IF is done taking my life force!

Since my birthday until today, I have not worried about having a baby. I barely talk about it anymore and I have stopped visiting TTC boards. I needed a break from the sadness and aching desire to have that which is just not coming easily. I have laughed more, drank more, done yoga, acupuncture, meditated, taken my pile of "good for me" pills and enjoyed other parts of my forgotten life, all because I wanted to, didn't have to, but have needed the ease of doing things for myself.

I had to write all of this down now so I could remember this time, these moments when I felt like I had the upper-hand, that I was once again in control of something. I would 't go so far as to say I am "happy" but I would try on joyful and graceful.

Hmmm... let's see how long this grounded high will last - I am banking on it reaching through the new year!

What 2011 looks like for TTC a miracle.... yes, a miracle...

We are still planning on doing our 6th IVF cycle, 3rd fresh, sometime early in the year. Until then, Sweet Guy is wanting us to do IUIs. He's so optimistic it makes my heart ache.

I am going to start to look into adoption options. I have not a clue as to where to begin, so if anyone has some tips, please let me know.

Come this time next year, it will be almost 6 years since embarking on this journey and I know in my heart it will be time to hang up my stirrups. There is a part of me that wants that day to be today and another part of me that feels like I could keep going and going and going and.... I'd lose my mind for certain. I had hoped that I'd intuitively or psychically know that I'd be a mom, but those six-sense abilities have eluded me for years now. I really and truly know that THIS is entirely out of my hands, though continuing to participate or not, is within my control. My only hope is that I can trust my intuition when it tells me when enough is enough.

Until then, sound the bells and let the festivities continue!

Happy Holidays~

39 is not the lonliest number

2010-11-29T19:44:00.005-05:00

The holidays have hit NYC and it's a magical city during this time of the year. Lights snake their way through the tree-scaped sidewalks, giant stars hang over streets, the Rockefeller tree towers above the awe-struck tourists and the windows of all of the department stores leave us all dreaming of a wonderland of snow.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch - at my in-laws. The meal, company and night was perfect and made for a great way to usher in my birthday.

Hello 39!

I was dreading 39, but so far so good. Or so far, I am not thinking about it. I know what it means. I know what it doesn't mean. But mostly, I am not giving it the meaning that I thought I would. It's true that I am not where I thought I would be at this age, but it is what it is, right? I know that I have one year left of playing the part of a woe-is-me infertile, and then I am done. Actually I'd be done today if I knew any better. I want to shake this title, this persona and live a life that is defined by me and no longer by infertility.

A good friend and I were talking the other day about how our mutual friend who had RPL (one loss at 16 weeks) never called or considered herself infertile. In fact after 5 losses, she didn't even go to see a specialist. It was my friend that begged her to go see an amazing RE in Brooklyn about her RPLs. To her surprise and I am sure relief, they discovered she had a blood-clotting disorder. She was put on levonox, got pregnant and just gave birth this Fall to a beautiful baby girl. Done and done.

What amazed me about this story, what inspires me about my friend, is that she didn't buy into the terror of infertility that I have whole-heartedly befriended. She didn't think she'd never have a baby, she knew one of her pregnancies would stick, so she kept going and going and going. How does that even happen? She is a sensitive and compassionate person, but when it came to her losses, she mourned their passings and then got back up and tried again. Can I please have some of what she has? Fearless motivation and determination that isn't defined by labels, diagnosis, fears or comparison? She knew she'd be a mom and she didn't let anything, not even deep sadness, loss or pain, stand in her way of motherhood.

I had a revelation. I got it, I get it.

What if I took a deep breath, a giant step away from the infertility microscope and pulled my head out of the sand and just relaxed.... no not that "just relaxed" but the one where I stay the course, but not drown in the negativity and darkness of IF? I've hinted about my mind/body balance craze these days, but I think the mind, my mind, was being stubborn until now. I got the "body" portion down to a science and have been doing everything I can and want to do in order to rest, relax and enjoy myself. Oh but that brain of mine!! It can really create a lot of chaos, no? I understand finally what it may take in order for me to win this battle and keep the heaviness of IF at bay.

Balance.
Determination.
Fearlessness.
Trust.
Fun.

Tryin 'em on for size... we will see how it goes.

Ok, onto a new thing I am going to add into my posts now and again.

These are a few of my favorite things:

-Harry Potter 7-part one- L.O.V.E.D it!
-Lindt dark chocolates - I bought a gigantor bag of them at Costco..mmmmm...
-Yoga Nidra - a beautiful, meditative and relaxing yoga that is beyond blissful.
-Boardwalk Empire- sad there is only one episode left of the season - a true masterpiece.
-Holiday decorating in my new apt. It's been a perfect distraction for me.
-New friends that I have made through infertility - Kir, Lynne and Kat... precious!

Welcome November ICLWers!

2010-11-22T07:57:00.004-05:00

This week is a week of giving thanks.

My birthday is the day after Thanksgiving and it's going to be a birthday of reflection.

Sweet Guy and I have been TTC for almost five years now. It's been a long and tiring journey. I have gone through 5 IVF transfers and 3 IUIs and have been through two pregnancy losses. My first pregnancy ended in a loss around 13 weeks. It was devasting, life-altering and painful beyond measure. Since then we've been navigating our way around this dizzying and confusing land of infertility.

We are currently in-between cycles. IVF #6 is looming.

I have been focusing on finding a life-balance since this journey has turned my life inside-out and upside-down. I am a huge proponent of mind/body therapy and doing anything that helps relieve the stress of IF.

Thank you for stopping by my blog and feel free to leave your blog address so I can find out more about you.

What I am grateful for~

-Sweet Guy's eternal optimisim and ability to throw me a rope everytime I fall down the rabbit hole and think there is no end in sight.

-The amazing women I have met, friends I have made, life-long friends, that are in this battle alongside me, all working towards the same golden arches of parenthood and those that have past through that continue to lead the way.

-I am grateful for my determination, humility and courage to keep on this path, no matter how many times it's knocked me down.

- I am grateful for the humor I have been able to harness through this process.

- I am grateful for the moments of grace that flutter in during times of helplessness.

- I feel fortunate to have not lost myself to the sadness that once consumed me.

Lastly, I am grateful for the hope that still lingers in my heart.... no matter how many times I feel surrounded by darkness, light still finds it's way into my vision, reminding me that it's not a matter of if I become a mom, it's a matter of when.

Happy Birthday Sprout~

2010-11-16T18:16:00.002-05:00

Today would have been Sprout's second birthday.

She would have been talking and walking and terrorizing our little dog, Buster.

She would have enjoyed crawling into her toy box, taking all of the toys out, leaving the mess and running off to the kitchen to help mom make blueberry muffins.

She would have reminded me of myself when I was little - no doubt she'd have a wild imagination and prefer to sleep in forts made out of sheets rather than her own bed. She'd make sure she tucked all of her dolls and stuffed animals into their beds and kept the light on, not because she was afraid of the dark, but because her dolly was.

She'd be humorous, goofy and throw monumental temper-tantrums.

She'd have playdates, love going to the park to swing and make me laugh everyday.

It's hard to imagine life without her once I knew she was growing inside of me. I found her ultrasound babybook the other day. While I sat on the floor in our second bedroom, still empty, I flipped through the pages, read the remarks I had written and cried. She was my world for the short time she was in my womb.

I think I have been trying too hard to get pregnant. Though I have spent many months "not trying" there is still that silent trying (hope) that inwardly continues. The treatments, cycles, in-between cycles, the research, the "taking a break," the anticipation of the next cycle, the reality of the fears around any cycle. The passing of time, constant birth announcements, reminders of what I don't have, no matter how hard I try...all of it - I know in my bones I am trying too hard and when you try too hard and doors don't open, it's time to take the hint.

I feel like I am living in the movie, "He's just not that into you." This baby that I yearn for, perhaps the return of Sprout, is just not that into me. I am teased and taunted by hope, encouraged by others to proceed, and even given those proverbial BFP breadcrumbs. But the reality is, fertility isn't courting me anymore. I mean if I was really meant to be a mom (now), the universe would conspire in my favor, not against me, right?

This shouldn't be this hard.

I am not giving up, but I am done trying.

I know what I need to do in the action realm, I know what I should do in the mental and emotional realm and all signs point to me filling my life with things that bring me happiness, regardless of a baby sitting in the middle of it or not.

Sprout, if you are out there, know that I love you, miss you and yearn for you beyond measure. I understand that you are on your own timeline and I will stop swimming up stream so I can gain perspective on the reason all of this is happening in the first place.

I will let go...

But I will never let you go from my heart. I love you forever and always.

Happy Birthday my sweet angel.

Holding Back the Years

2010-11-13T11:26:00.002-05:00

I started my period at 1am last night.

Did I think maybe, just maybe?

Yes.

I am so tired.

So tired of "trying to conceive."

How could this possibly be my life?

I am tired of feeling like a prisoner locked behind an invisible cage. My screams are silent to those with ears and my pain is ignored by those with absent patience. It's going to take more than a nail file and a prayer to scrape my way out of this cell of madness.

I don't even know what I am trying for anymore. I have somehow lost sight of the prize. Babies look like aliens and pregnant women look like alien hosts. I am in my own version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers - Who are these are people and how did that bump and what is that thing that is screaming it's head off?

Sweet Guy is tired too.

He can't take this anymore. He puts more faith in cycles working than I do and it killed me to tell him why I jumped out of bed in the middle of the night. I want to take the sadness and frustration away from him, for him, but where would I put it? My cup runneth over with toxic crap, his would surely fit right in, but I have no where to put this angst anymore.

I have tried everything I can and I am still where I began, as if I never even started. The years have been lost, the damage is done. Where do I go from here? Stay the course? Pull up camp? Run away? Live child-free? Join the circus? Spend all of our savings on an Hermes handbag? Steal a child from the Duggars?

The tears I shed are empty, depleted.

The pain is the same, the sadness is familiar and this battle is getting old. When will a winner emerge?

I am tough, I am strong, I am not a quitter.

But today, I lose, I lost and I give up.

Finding the mind/body balance

2010-11-08T19:56:00.003-05:00

I have noticed that a lot of my fellow-bloggers are pregnant. A wave of pregnancies is always encouraging, though sometimes it can send an infertile - regardless if the pregnant space-jumper is a fertile or infertile -into a downward spiral and often times, deeper into the rabbit hole. I can't say that I am immune to this reaction, but something has shifted in me. I use to feel that while the stork dropped off a bundle of joyful news to a much deserving woman, I was singled out and given a quick shit bath of bad luck compliments of the universe. I always felt like it wasn't fair to not only be lapped by my fertile friends, but also by my infertile friends. It is a very tough thing to try and reconcile when one of us, one of our own, passes onto the other side of this crap hole while we continue to marinate in loss, dismay and isolation.

I have been on both sides of the fence and I too had the experience of "survivor guilt" as I was 1 of 2 out of the ten women I cycled with that got pregnant - it was my first IVF. I was new to IVF, new to infertility and new to all of the wacky emotions that are compounded by the journey to get me to a blob on the ultrasound screen. Then I lost Sprout and all hell broke loose. All of the women on one website I use to belong to zoomed by me at light speed and became mommies. While I was licking, nursing and bandaging the gaping hole in my heart, these women were kissing, nursing and bundling their miracles. What was I to think?

Here I am, 2 1/2 years later after the loss of Sprout, a chemical pregnancy, 5 IVF transfers and 3 IUIs, 9 days away from her 2nd birthday and I feel graceful.

Did I just write that?

I attended the Resolve of New England Annual Infertility Conference this past weekend with two of my fertility-warrior friends. We had an amazing time. I learned some new things, confirmed my thoughts about my path and left feeling resolved - yes, pun intended. The most important element of this weekend that I proudly tucked into my heart is that the only way to beat infertility is to go through it.

Going through it, rather how one goes through it, seems to be the common challenge that we all share, regardless of our diagnosis. I have gone to the deepest darkest bowels of sadness yet just this last week I met an old stranger, joy. I don't know how I found her again or what I did to deserve to feel joy again, but I attribute it to the dedication I have to finding balance, life balance, while battling this frustrating dis-ease. I am not about to claim that I am a positive Polly-Anna, or as some of my online gals say, " I am not going to spew rainbows, unicorn farts or vomit baby dust" I am simply acknowledging (and sharing) that through my diligence to not fall off the cliff and get swallowed whole, I have discovered an incredible sense of balance.

I attended Alice Domar's The Truth About the Stress/Infertility Connection session and it really drove home the importance of finding, living, in balance while dealing with infertility. I think I may have found balance by accident, but I can honestly say that doing yoga, meditating, breathing, doing energy work, acupuncture and massage, listening to meditation cds, laughing at myself often and attending support groups, or driving across 3 states to attend conferences, has kept me tethered to my sanity. Otherwise I'd still be out in the stratosphere cursing at every shooting star that was carrying someone else's wish.

I spoke to an incredible Dr. from B.oston I.VF and he confirmed everything I needed (wanted) to hear about my next IVF cycle and afterwards commented on how many good Drs we have in NYC. He followed it up by naming my Dr. That put a smile on my face. I am content... I know that I have done everything I can possibly do to prepare my mind, body, and soul for motherhood. The rest is up to the unknown - the same unknown I use to curse, fear and spit on. We aren't friends yet, but at least I don't wince when I think of how my fate is in the hands of the unknown.

Oh and I am still in the 2ww... but we aren't talking about that, so I won't update you on how it's been other than I am still standing...and smiling.

Our Thelma and Louise Adventure

2010-11-03T19:23:00.007-04:00

I am looking forward to this weekend. For the first time, in a long time, no thanks to IVF cycles ruining my social life, I am actually planning a weekend trip with friends!

Two of my infertile friends, in fact the two that also did IUIs the same week I did, are piling into a car and driving to Marlborough, MA for the RESOLVE of New England's Annual Fertility Treatment, Donor Choices, and Adoption Conference. The conference sounds amazing and I am looking forward to meeting people I have admired from my computer screen like Keiko from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (Though I did have the honor of saying hello to her at the Resolve's Night of Hope here in NYC in September- FYI- she's every bit the lovely woman she seems), Melissa Ford - Blogger Goddess Extraordinaire will give the keynote address - what could be better than that? As well as other amazing bloggers, therapists, Doctors (Alice D. Domar), motivational speakers, and vendors. It will be like going to an adult Disney theme park, a theme park for infertiles, but a theme park nonetheless.
After the conference we are all heading to CT for the night to stay in our friends "country home." There we are going to rest, relax, eat good foo, laugh hysterically and reflect on our day... and of course our 2WWs - more on that later. The next day we will be venturing to White Plains, NY for another Infertility Conference. This one is presented by Columbia University. I have not gone to this facility - shocking considering my habit of getting as many Dr's opinions as I possibly can before my head explodes. I have heard mixed reviews on this facility, probably why I have steered clear of them. However, free work shop + desperate for answers or suggestions = 2 infertility conferences in one weekend.

I am not sure which one of us had the brilliant idea of spending the weekend driving from one state to another in search of anyone, someone, something, anything that can save me/us from going completely insane from infertility (is that even possible?), but here we go... I am certain the trip will be memorable, but there will be no Brad Pitt, no sicko who takes advantage of women, no robbing of banks and we will not be driving off a cliff... uhm.. well, not that I foresee.

2ww - these ladies, and the others that I have met along this journey that have stayed with me, side-by-side, through BFPs, BFNs, and losses, have made my life joyful. Joy, happiness, and being content are rarely found in womens' vocabulary that are going through IF. We try to smile, we try to count our blessings and find one thing a day that can make us laugh, but we often fall short. There's nothing worse than losing the will to live a happy life - mostly because our ideas of happiness have been flipped inside-out. But IF friends, my IF friends, have pulled me out of the depths of depression, have reminded me of my own courage, have enticed me to let go and most importantly, they (you) have shown me that through our darkest hours (days, weeks, months and years) it's friendship, real friendship, that becomes the silver-lining - if one can exist in our world. For this, I am humbled, gracious and beyond the measurable bounds of thankfulness. They, you, have become my insides.

So, here's to my Thelma and Louise Adventure... I may not get the answers I seek, I may not solve my IF puzzle or feel that I am any closer to being a mom, but at least I will have a little fun while on this treacherous journey...

IUI...what the bleep?

2010-10-29T09:15:00.001-04:00

I have had the flu this past week and I am finally feeling better, though I still feel a bit out of it. I feared that I'd have to cancel our IUI this cycle because of the state I was in, but since I don't have a fever anymore, nor doI still feel like complete butt, I am sucking it up and am going ahead with the cycle.

Sweet Guy is on his way to the office to make his deposit and I am pacing the apt in anticipation of heading to the office for the insemination. I still can't believe I talked myself into doing an IUI this month after all that I have gone through in the past couple of years with IVFs, losses, shots, 2wws, sadness, madness, hoping, praying, etc. It just seems silly, naive almost for me to think that I could possibly get pregnant from an IUI. I did two natural IUIs in Jan/Feb 2009 to pass the time between insanity and craziness. They resulted in nothing, well accept for the chronic manic obsessiveness over phantom symptoms. They proved to be harder for me to handle than IVF cycles.

What makes me think that THIS time will be different? Better? Successful? Eureka? A Christmas Miracle? Nothing. Nothing at all. I actually have no expectations with this cycle. I took Clomid this time. I did ok on it, though I thought I'd get more follicles. I ended up with only 2. Not knowing anything about Clomid, and only having my IVF cycles to compare (25 and 26 follicles respectively), I can honestly say that I feel like a bit of an under-achiever this cycle. My lining was scant - 7mm and because I have been sick all week, I didn't "prepare" for this cycle like I would have if I were feeling better - massage, yoga, acupuncture, meditation CDs, Chinese herbs, energy healing, negative energy exorcism, you know, the usual. I feel like a failure even before I started.

There are two of my IF friends that are also doing IUIs this week. We are all IVF veterans and I blame them for planting the seed of pursuing pregnancy through this feeble attempt at procreation. We all did it on a whim, one after the other we tromped on into our Drs office and shocked them all by our elementary requests. It's not that I am poo-pooing IUIs, I know they work, I have heard numerous miraculous(ridiculous) stories of women getting pregnant through IUIs. But really? Could I possibly be one of those stories? Come on! Sometimes I feel that IUI success stories are as miraculous as natural pregnancies. Hell at this point, if someone gets pregnant through their first IVF cycle I site it as a modern day miracle!

So no, no I don't think this cycle will work. It's not that I am pessimistic or negative, I am quite the opposite, albeit sprinkled with tiredness, frustration and surrender. I have the 2ww ahead of me- been there too many times to count, so instead of wondering, worrying and paying attention to every single twinge, gurgle, cramp, ping, pang or wave of nausea, I am going to pretend that I am not about to do that thing that we are not going to talk about...Shhh!

It's time for me to head out.

I'd say "wish me luck" but at this point it's going to take much more than luck... just sayin'

Separated from the wolf pack

2010-10-22T21:49:00.001-04:00

I read a couple of blogs lately that had a silver-thread of truth running through them. It amazes me that with all of our blogs out there, all of us coming from different walks of life, we still end up going through similar events, emotions, and frustrations... at the same time. Each week presents a new theme, a new challenge and when we write about this, one can see the common thread that sews us all together. Yes we all are suffering from IF, but the reality of IF is vivid in our posts and for this, I never feel alone.

The Silver-Thread Theme of the week; I am sure we've all felt this way.

Being lapped by our fertile friends.

They become pregnant with ease "it only took us 1 month!" and we still refer to days of the week as CD1, 3DPO or 5dp5dt. Their bellies expand with a baby inside and our bellies expand because of the IVF meds - leaving us with not only the emotional baggage of another failed cycle, but also having to carry around the "IVF-20" in an effort to not be mistaken as "one of those gals that just got knocked-up." They have birth announcements and we have loss-remembrances. They have baby showers and we try to drown out our tears in the shower. They give birth and feel joy unlike any other moment in their lives and we get that call from the nurse with our dropping beta numbers...devastation unlike any other moment in our lives.

They have photos that show the baby has daddy's eyes, or grandpa's smile and we have ultrasound photos of a blob we try to recognize as our own or cell blobs that are about to be transferred - hoping, praying that it will grow fingers and toes that look like Grandma's. Months pass and their babies go from ages being defined by months to birthday cakes with one big congratulatory candle on it; while we watch months, fretted cycles, and AFs pass month after month, year after year. Their babies become toddlers and then onto the "terrible-twos" and the "ferocious-fours." Their little "monsters" become our deepest desire and to us, they will always be little angels.

Then one, two, three and sometimes four. They have a house filled with babies, toddlers, kids. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Why didn't it freeze with the embryos we banked? How could they be experiencing temper-tantrums, play-dates and bullies, when we can't even talk a zygote into hanging on tight for the ride?

What's interesting is that I have sent my blog to almost all of my friends IRL. I have no shame, I will talk about IF freely and I don't feel embarrassed (accept for my current stupid clomid cycle) about what I am going through. Yet, I think my friends feel the opposite. I think they are embarrassed of me for not being more quiet about my IF. I don't care if they feel sorry for me, I don't even care if they talk about me, but what I do care about is that most of them, heck, almost all of them (save a select few) act as if I don't exist. They've had their babies, they are mommies and I am not part of the mommy club. I feel like I am in Jr. High all over again and it makes me want to puke. I am wiser (a little wiser), older (much older) and less likely to get my feathers ruffled by stupid comments about IF, but the ignoring, I can't take it anymore. I know, I know, they probably don't know what to say, or don't want to bring it up or talk about their kids for fear upsetting me... nice and thoughtful they all must be, but I don't think so. I really think that I have been forgotten. In fact I know that I have been forgotten. I am the odd-woman out and the fact that most of them, whom I have known for over 20 years, have no idea how to relate to the woman who can't get her ass over the infertility fence before their kids go off to college.

It's odd, because we all grew up together in a small, cultured town in Northern NM. We use to daydream about living on a commune and raising our kids together. We were all within 4 years of each other in age and we went through everything together. My friends were my life and they got me through the very tough times of moving out of my house at 15. We've been through battles that most can't fathom and we survived suicides, drug addictions, dysfunctional boyfriends and parents dying. I had (have) their backs and they had mine.

Now, we (they) email each other, spew all over Facebook- posting, commenting and cheerfully admitting (vomit) how motherhood is amazing, breast-feeding is hard, teething is a challenge and leaving their babies in their cribs to cry themselves to sleep is unbearable. I have those same sentiments, though the only thing that is amazing in my life is the little drop of hope I have left after being side-swiped by IF. It's enough to make me want to hide under the covers and call "Uncle."

To tell you the truth, I don't think any of them read my blog. If they do, they sure as hell don't leave any words of encouragement like they would have if I was about to attend my first AA meeting. Everyday I sign onto my blog to see if any of them have written comments about my posts. Nothing, Nada, Ziltch. I know they support each other when it comes to motherhood issues, but more importantly, I know they support each other in other life relations. Like my friend who wrote her first book and wants everyone to now follow her blog so when she becomes the next Stephen King, everyone will bathe in the glory of "knowing her when." Or my friend who has struggled with drug addiction since we were 14 - everyone still loves her, believes in her and will do anything for her. But not me. I somehow have fallen off the face of the earth and I can't figure out how to get back in the inner-circle of love and kumbaya.

Infertility has taken a lot out of me, has taken a lot from me and has changed me from inside out. The first thing I need from those that know me is understanding and comfort, the last thing I need from those that know me is complete ostracization.

Ho hum... such is life.. my life.

My head is spinning so fast it almost feels like I am going backwards.

2010-10-18T21:29:00.002-04:00

Oh wait, I am going backwards!!

*News alert* AF came on Saturday, no baby for Sweet Guy's birthday.

Not sure how to state this, but.... we are doing an IUI this month. Ha! After 5 IVF transfers and 4 1/2 years of madness, we are going back to the simple ways of doing things. This all came about within 36 hours of finding out that the NY State grant IVF funding will not be available for us this year.

When I heard the news I felt crushed. What? More waiting? Another year down the toilet? Nooooooooo! Then I figured we could gather the funds, wave good-bye to our bank teller as they sign over more of our savings and hand the cash to my RE. On second thought, maybe I will find a job that has IF coverage, then all will be right in my world again. Though I was still unsettled, I didn't have time to work through my emotions before Sweet Guy sent me a text asking if it was possible to do an IUI this month.

I immediately called one of my friends, who is also in cycle transition, and her husband had also brought up the idea of doing an IUI, so we both laughed and thought, why not, let's ask our nurse coordinators and see what they say. I knew for sure I'd hear my RE's laughter through the computer screen when I read the email reply from the coordinator. RE was all for it. She said all systems go... come in on Tuesday and let's get it rolling!

I have done two IUIs in-between IVF cycles in the past, early 2009. They were un-medicated and I did them just to help pass the time, but in reality, I hated them! After feeling like I was already half-way to a baby with IVF, meaning at least I would have fertilization, I felt like the IUIs were nerve-wracking, tedious and the 2ww was utter insanity for me. However, I am older and (non the) wiser and will be taking Clomid this time. Ha! Gotta laugh again! I always swore I'd never take Clomid, but hell, I swore I'd never do injectables or do IVF too. I am afraid to do injectables now since I have hyper-stimmed with both my fresh cycles and clearly don't want to end up in the hospital or competing with Octo-crazy-mom. So why not see what that little pill will do for me. I have heard all kinds of stories about it. Some women lose their minds on it while others don't feel a thing. Who knows what will happen for me...

So here I am on the eve of another insane endeavor in order to try my hardest to have a baby and I am so dizzy right now, I don't have time to think about what the heck I am doing. I am jumping into this freezing cold water before my brain has time to steal a moment to try to decipher what is going on. I know my odds - they have clearly not been in my favor for this entire journey, so what's the worst that can happen? Another BFN? Big deal! I feel like I just need to be doing something right now since I have really done everything else under the moon and stars to try to find my way to motherhood.

Let this be another chance... coz that's all it will be, another chance and maybe, just maybe I will be on the right side of the odds... or I will have a good laugh looking back at this wack-a-doo decision.

Sadness: Part Deux - Loss Remembrance day, especially for my fertile friend.

2010-10-15T23:49:00.001-04:00

My head is spinning right now.

I wanted to write about this a few weeks ago, but I brushed it under the rug and today it spilled out and now I can't ignore it.

There is a girl that I work with that knows I have been having trouble TTC. We have discussed it at minor lengths, knowing she really can't grasp what I was explaining to her, I went easy on her and didn't tell her all the gorry details. She is 28 and her and her husband want to have 6 children (great for them!). Her husband is a professional soccer player and his national team was going to be in the World Cup. She told me, after picking my brain on all things she should do to get ready to TTC, that they will try as soon as they get back form S. Africa. Well, low and behold, she gets pregnant on their second month... whoopty doooo!

I have somehow formed a 6th-sense about all things pregnancy related and I knew she was pregnant. I hassled her up until she finally told me at 8 weeks... that was a long time for her to hold out on me since I literally poked and prodded her (no pun) for the 6 weeks.

She asked me how far along I was when I lost my pregnancy - I told her 12/13 weeks. Again, I couldn't give her all of the details as my story was complicated with too many personal details. She was worried that she was going to lose the baby. No real reason for this other than she knows she could lose the baby. I feel like in those first few weeks before she announced her news to the entire store, her and I had code words for things, secret winks and hand jesters that only (pre)pregnant women would have. I became her morning-sickness confidant, her symptoms guru and her "how far along am I" measuring stick. I was in utter misery while she was in 7th Heaven.

She decided to come out with the news during an all-store meeting. I knew it was coming, another co-worker, whom I confided in about the news (I couldn't keep it to myself!!), *warned* me that the news was coming. When she announced it the entire room screamed and jumped up and down as if our home team scored the winning touch down. I cowered in the corner, tears in my eyes and forced myself to clap and really forced myself to smile. She announced her pregnancy at 11 weeks (give or take a day). As soon as the mtg was over I had to high-tail it out of there so I could escape the line that was forming of everyone wanting to congratulate her and feel her belly. Love ya, happy for ya, but gotta go!

Last Thursday she left early from work to fly out of town for the weekend - back on Sunday to work. On Sunday afternoon she comes in and I noticed that she looked off, honestly, she looked like she'd been crying. I oddly enough had a dream about her on Friday night that she and her husband found out that the baby had a chromosomal problem and they had to terminate their pregnancy. In my gut I wondered, questioned and hoped that it was only in my dream.

I asked her how her weekend was visiting her friend in Canada and she averted the question and said she didn't get much rest. Sometime during the day she was off the sales floor and was no where to be found. I see her come in from outside with a look on her face, staring at me, screaming in silence, "please I need to
talk to you!"

We went into the back office and it was then that she confided in me that she'd started spotting as soon as her plane landed and it hasn't let up. I went through all of the questions I could ask about her symptoms and concerns. It was brown, recently red, spotting only, little cramping, no flow, yes back pains, no breast tenderness....etc. I assured her that many of my friends have had spotting, sometimes bleeding during pregnancy, even up to their 7th month. If it's not too intense, she could be fine. I told her to take off the next day and in fact, go home NOW if you need to... work isn't that important. I let her be the judge of how bad she thought her symptoms were. She stayed for the rest of the day - the spotting stopped and she was smiling. I went and got her lunch and forced her to stay off her feet as much as possible. I assured her that no matter what happens, if it happens, she will be ok.

For the rest of this past week she was back to normal. So normal that she was bouncing around the store declaring "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant" to just about anyone that would listen. It was business as usual for a newly pregnant gal who seemed to have survived her first *loss* scare. I was apprehensive, but also thought, "of course she's ok... she's a fertile and fertiles are luckier than I am."

Then tonight, as my husband cleared the dishes from out dining room table and my cousin discussed our secret teenage obsession with Duran Duran, I received this email...

Hi Guys,

I wanted to write you this email so that you heard this news from me.
We had our first Ultra Sound on Thursday. Unfortunately things were not good and we have lost the baby.

We are both doing ok, (Husband) has stayed home from his game this weekend. Although this is still hard to believe after all my excitement, I am a very big believer in that everything happens for a reason and that this is just part of the plan.

I will not be at work this upcoming week as I have to go into hospital and have surgery on Wednesday or Thursday but hope to be back early the following week.
Miss you all!!

I immediately sent her an email and she replied by saying that by me being there for her last week, it has made this process for her... a little easier.

And so I stand corrected... fertile or infertile, we are all 1 in 4... loss happens and all we can do is stick together and extend a hand to hold for those that need help in their time of uncertainty.

My heart is so heavy today. I woke up sad, cried a lot today, missed my own baby I lost and then this... am I dreaming this life?

No, I am not depressed, I am just sad

2010-10-15T10:14:00.002-04:00

I have cried so much this morning. Not only do I look like a blow-fish, but I look like I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

I got hit with a towering wave of sadness that came out of the left sea.

I got up after Sweet Guy, came out into the living room, saw him lounging on the couch and decided to curl up in his arms in order to wake up and start my day off on the right foot. As I lie in his arms he whispered, "So are we gonna have a baby for my birthday or what?" I burst into tears and through my sobs I said, "I am not going to tell you when my period is suppose to be here or if it's late because I know all of this is just too disappointing for you... and for me." So I guess a tie and a new dress shirt for his bday are out of the quesstion.

Sweet Guy turns 45 next week. Forttty-fiiiive..... and he still isn't a dad.... and we've been trying, giving it everything we've got, for almost 5 years. He deserves to be a dad more than most dads I know. Namely my own dad who left my mom and I when I was one. Sweet Guy deserves to come home after work to a smiling, apple-sauce covered face. He deserves the pride of seeing his child hold a tennis racket for the first time and hitting the ball over the net (he's been a tennis player and coach for the better part of his life). He deserves to walk into a dinner party with his wife and child and have everyone gather around to coo over the baby that has his eyes. He deserves to make midnight runs for me when I wake up craving McDonald's fries, only to change my mind and yell at him to get those stinky fries out of the house (true story). He deserves to fall asleep in front of the TV, dog in one arm and baby in the other and to have that photo on Facebook.

Between you and me, my period is due this weekend. But as I have experienced my entire post-puberty life, it comes and goes whenever it wants and to this day, I still don't know when the hell I ovulate (unless I chart). We tried this month and much like the almost 60 months that have past, we hope and pray we will get pregnant. What's the point? If I can't get pregnant with IVF treatments, why would I think we could get pregnant naturally? Yet still I secretly hope that this month a miracle will occur and I can surprise Sweet Guy with news that will change his life forever. It's within this small place inside that I battle immense sadness, while searching for hope.

I am sad. Not as sad as I have been, but I am sad.

I can't take this anymore. I can't take this disappointment, frustration and fury around TTC. I think I have come out of my depression cloud that nearly suffocated me to death for the past 2+ years, but it's still there, albeit simmering under the surface. I feel defeated and angry and oh so tired... tired of living my life behind this invisible veil of shame, blame and "we've got no game."

I miss Sprout today. I think of her often, but today, I wish she were here... running around our apartment. I wish I knew her. I wish I got to hold her, breast feed her, giggle with her and watch her grow from infancy to toddler. I feel so robbed. Duped. Scammed. This wasn't suppose to happen. Sweet Guy should be sharing his birthday this year with his 23 month baby girl. I should be a proud mother and celebrating Sprout's and my birthdays next month, not grieving and struggling with infertility.

I am sad. I can't stop crying. It's been awhile since I have let this faucet flow. I guess it was time... the vessel runneth over.

I miss Sprout. I miss her so much and I curse the forces that be for this pain and sadness and.... an empty womb.

Apples to Oranges- different, yet somehow the same.

2010-10-12T18:01:00.003-04:00

I helped a woman yesterday at work that reminded me that "we are all in this together...."

She was looking for a well-supportive sports bra. I work for an athletic clothing store that carries great clothes for runners and yogis. She was a runner and I gave her a few options. While talking to her about what she was looking for she shared that she had a double mastectomy a year ago. Wha huh? She looked so young and she was. She is only 33!

She went on to say that she got tested for the cancer gene because breast cancer ran in her family, but so did other cancers. Her mom passed from pancreatic cancer many years ago and she knew what she could be facing. She actually tested negative for the gene and thought she'd be in the clear until one day when she was getting ready for a run. Her hand brushed up against her left breast and she felt a lump. She knew immediately what it was. She went onto joke about how hard it is to find a bra that fits her *new* "bubbies." "They don't move, they are always perky and I can't just smash them into a sports bra anymore. I guess this is the silver-lining..."

Her cancer treatment was aggressive since it ran rampant in her family. She went through it alone, no partner, and she survived and I was in awe of her. I told her that she was so lucky that she caught it early. I mentioned I had already had two mammograms because both my grandmothers had breast cancer and I admitted that I have been pumping my body full of infertility meds for the past few years. I shared that we were struggling with trying to conceive. I understood her feeling of isolation and need for support and community. We both agreed that there were many similarities to fighting cancer and fighting infertility. clearly they are NOT the same thing, but there are elements of the diagnosis, the treatment, the prognosis and the need to reevaluate ones life that significantly parallel each other.

She said that she had to make a decision about her fertility options before she went through treatment. Again, she was single, and had to consider how her decision would effect her in her future. She was freaked out about giving herself all of the shots- both because she learned her cancer was linked to hormonal imbalances, and because she didn't have a partner to help her with the shots and to give her moral support. It was a difficult for her to have to decide to sacrifice her load of eggs to her present, not knowing what the future would hold. She acknowledged that what I was going through is difficult and her heart goes out to me.... she declared that life isn't fair and that she didn't think she could "survive" the struggles of infertility. I of course commended her on surviving what I am sure was "a hell of a year!"

I started to get teary-eyed and felt an instant sisterhood connection with this stranger who has never walked in my shoes, but somehow was familiar with my struggles. I think we both experienced a moment, while sharing our stories, where life felt less divided, that our struggles had a common thread. We both wished each other luck and we went on with our lives. Her with a supportive sports bra that looked and felt great, and me feeling humbled. Pain is relative, but these struggles are real. I have a lot to be thankful for on many levels. It's been a tough road, I know some have it harder, but at the end of the day, I am still standing.... and so is my new friend.

Waiting to Exhale

2010-10-11T21:43:00.004-04:00

Reminder: I want one of these...

I have thought long and hard about embarking on another adventure of "what door is the golden egg hidden behind" and I have decided not to do the B-Integrin Protein test. I will set aside the $500+ for a nice shiny package of 22 gauge needles and a stiff bottle of progesterone in oil....oooooh, jealous?

So now I sit, I wait, I pace.

I am on a wait list for the NY State grant (for fertility treatments and medication) and my coordinator assures me that more funds will be available before the end of the year. Does she realize that the end of the year is in less than 3 months AND the lab closes for most of December? Whaaaah!!??

I admit, I am holding my breath. I am ready to get this cycle under-way and the thought of having to wait, wait, wait is not putting a smile on my face. I took a year off between IVF #4 and #5 and that was long enough. I got knocked down (again), was a little bruised, but I am none the worse for wear and am prepared to board the ride again. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive... it's the IVF Cycle! Hold onto your sanity coz it's going to be a bumpy ride!

I have not tickled Dr. Google for about a week now. I really don't think there is much else out there for me to research when it comes to our "golden egg" promise of success. I think this is the first time that I will say, in the four years we've been TTC, that "now it's out of our hands." It feels strange and awkward to say that. I feel like I jumped into the driver's seat and never looked back. I have always faced our infertility head-on and have rarely backed down. I have stared it right in the face and declared with stern conviction that it will not get the best of me (lie), it will not win (not willing to bet), nor will it change the person I am (another lie). I have given this plight 110% of my time, energy and efforts, surely I will get rewarded (also not willing to bet). I have seen glimmers of light while fumbling down this dark tunnel and just when I have been able to make out the figure of hope, the light fades and I am once again surrounded in blackness and heavy darkness that takes my breath away. As I sit here surrounded by nothing-ness and every pregnant woman on the planet, I take a deep breath, hold it deep in my belly and time my exhale with the next wave of hope that occasionally visits.

Yes, until I hear the lovely words "come in for CD2 bloodwork" I will be sitting in the corner pouting and twiddling my fingers... waiting to exhale.

What happens when you do too much IF research?

2010-10-06T19:24:00.007-04:00

What happens when you try to get to the bottom of failed cycle after failed cycle? Your head gets filled with so much info that you think you are either going to watch it spin off your shoulders or your eyes are going to roll back into the marshmallow-pillow of what was once your brain and never see the light of day again.

I did it again and my dizziness serves me right. Dr. S at CCRM suggested that I do the B-Integrin protein biopsy - to see if the protein that helps with implantation is missing. If it is then I would do 2 months of lupron. The test costs $500 plus lab fees. Easy enough...

I, of course, went back to my current Dr to see what he thinks about the B-Integrin test. His exact words were: "the clinical usefulness of the above test is very doubtful and he doesn't recommend it."

This happened when I asked him about intralipid therapy too. So I wasn't surprised that he wasn't jumping up and down when I brought him yet another wack-a-doo test suggestion. Once he told me, during one of my 3 WTF meetings, that I should stay off the boards and stop researching so much on Dr. Google. He said it fills my head with too many opposing facts. No shit sherlock!

I thought that intralipids were going to be the silver bullet and was even told earlier this year by Dr. T at The Sher Inst. that I should consider the B-Integrin test. But the intralipids didn't work, so now I am back to Dr. Google and trying to come up with my own solutions - since my Drs aren't figuring out how to get me pregnant.

It's such a catch-22... being your own advocate and educating oneself on the ways of the IF maze. If given the opportunity to do this all differently, I'd still want to know what tests are being offered to women having repeated failed IVF cycles, losses, and "bad luck." I feel like it's better to know what you are getting into, but at the same time, I am stuffed to the gills with information - information that I feel that isn't really giving me definitive answers to this riddle.

One thing I have discovered that really chaps my hide is that almost all the Drs I go to have "their own opinions" and most of them are so divided that it's hard to find a common thread based on their varying protocol suggestions. Can't these guys agree on ONE thing?? Even if I take a poll on how many of my 6 Drs think we should do PGD at this point (a no brainer if you ask me)... there's one lone ranger that doesn't think it's necessary..."only if you and your husband are thinking about doing a donor egg cycle, than this will give you the info you need" Well we are not thinking of that Thank You Very Much. Drs can't even agree on co-cultures improving embryo qualities, immunological testing having merit, implantation issues being significant or 3day vs 5day transfers or my favorite, fresh over frozen.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Calgon take me away!!!

Can't I pretty, pretty please just get pregnant by having sex with Sweet Guy? Must I spend tireless hours on the computer, in chat rooms, on blogs, surfing the web, in support groups, reading books and articles, praying, meditating, doing headstands, not drinking wine, taking my temperatures, taking upwards of 15 pills a day, doing acupuncture, drinking stinky Chinese teas, charting my erratic cycles, counting the cycle days, glaring at pregnant women, glaring at nannies pushing twins down the sidewalks, cursing crack-whores for abandoning their babies, explaining my reproductive cycle (every month) to Sweet Guy just so he can "plan" to be frisky for 15 days straight, planning my vacations around IVF cycles, forcing smiles when others announce their pregnancies, avoiding FB posts about births or complaints about motherhood......... ALL so that I can have a shot in hell for getting pregnant with some of the best technology out there? Must it reeeeeally be THIS hard. Must we have all the bad odds stacked against us?

What the hell is this all worth if IVF isn't 100% guaranteed? What the hell am I doing betting against my sanity... for what? For a chance at something that may be the very thing that takes my hand and walks me off a cliff?

A part of me wants to just stick with the straight and narrow plan - Metformin, bcps, lupron, Gonal-F, Menopur, trigger, (pray), retrieve, (pray), PGD, (pray like there's no tomorrow), transfer, (Pray like there is a tomorrow) and smile a big smile when I get to hear the nurse say, "Congratulations Mrs. Don't Give up Hope, you are going to be a mommy!"

Whaaaaaaah, I want off of this crazy ride and onto a ride that doesn't have so many 80mph twists and turns or one that doesn't keep me strapped in while I feel like I may vomit.

I spoke to the Great and Poweful C.C.R.M.

2010-10-01T15:07:00.003-04:00

You gotta love a place that gives free phone consultations to us NYers!

I was nervous this morning as I gathered all of our "10 lbs" of medical records together for the call. I don't know why I was nervous - I am an ol' pro at RE consultations... this is our 6th for those keeping track. What struck me was the feeling of angst I had about what he might say. In reality I know what we are dealing with and I know what we have to do. My RE (#3) already gave us the lay of the land and I have bought into it, so what else can any other Dr say that I don't already know?

To my utter shock and surprise he said Sweet Guy's boys "aren't that bad." This is the second bit of news this week about da' boys having a fighting chance. We got Sweet Guy's SA results back and low and behold, or shall I say "high" and behold, 'dem boys aren't doing so shabby. They aren't Lebron James on the court, but I think they could score some points!

Here are a few stats:
Count: 9.75m to a whopping 43 million!!!
Motility: 40% to a rockin' 68%
Morphology: has varied anywhere from 2-5%
Concentration: 1.5m to an astounding 16 million!!

Again, I get that these numbers aren't the best in town, but at this point in the game, any success in any area of our reproductive lives is like winning the lottery!

So let's move onto what Dr. S said.

He thinks I clearly have either an implantation issue or an embryo issue (chromosomal abnormalities) - DUH! Like I said, I am in the know and I already concluded these findings after hours, days, and now years doing research on this crap. What I find interesting is that he wants me to do a B-Integrin biopsy. Apparently this is the "first" protein that the embryo comes in contact with and if it's missing, then no "embryo meet your mommy's womb" will occur- the door is slammed on these little guys and they don't have a fighting chance... or do they? I did get pregnant with my first IVF (score!) but it ended because of a chromosome abnormality - trisomy 21. So this leads me to believe that wholly and truly we have to test our embryos. That's it, end of story.

For good measure, and yes I am thorough in my testing, I will get the biopsy because I'd hate to throw money out there into this relentless sea only to find that my embryos were fine, but my uterus was inhospitable.

The good thing is that the absence of B-Integrin protein can be overcome by being on two months of lupron - depot lupron if I am not mistaken. So the next thing to contend with is good ol' fashion time. Which I have to admit seems to be slipping much quicker through the hour glass these days. At least my babies will know that their mommy and daddy did everything they possibly could to bring them from there to here.

I am pleased. I wouldn't say hopeful, but just pleased. I have become a real live Nancy Drew in solving my infertility issues and I feel like I have left no stone un-turned and I give myself a pat on my back for doing as much research as I have. However, I am exhausted and worn-out. I have all of this info swirling in my head and I desperately need an outlet. Hence my last post. I am at a cross-roads in my life - my outside voice life, whereas my inside voice is finally whistling a happy tune.

My heart goes out to all of us on this journey. Damn the things infertility has made us endure! My fertile friends think I am a freak of nature because I spew complicated acronyms and diagnosis at them as if I am talking about The Real housewives. It's not normal for one to know as much as I do about the reproductive system and all it's foibles as I do... and not have a degree. I shoulda, woulda, coulda... but now what?

A book? A letter to Congress? A new career in helping others combat this storm, help them navigate through the waves of despair? Perhaps... my mind is percolating and my heart is bursting with compassion. Something good, other than a baby or two, has to come out of this madness!

Until then, I will prepare my psyche for an endomedrial biopsy that is sure to hurt like hell!!

I have a dream.... to get rid of writer's block and spread a little bit of hope.

2010-09-29T18:01:00.003-04:00

I can't seem to muster the desire to post much these days. I think my idea of this blog has been halted, stunted perhaps is a better word. I haven't read many blogs lately, nor have I responded to many posts. Nothing personal to anyone, just felt like my mind was elsewhere.

You see if this is a blog about infertility, I feel that I should talk about it as often as I can, pour my heart out onto the screen without turning off the nozzle, share my thoughts, advocate, advocate, advocate! But as I have sat in front of my blank screen, cursor blinking with no place to go, I realized that I don't have anything to say about infertility, my infertility specifically, that I haven't already said. "Is this as good as it gets?"

Over the past few years I have had the distinct pleasure of hearing some of the most incredibly heartfelt stories of women, couples, trying desperately to build their families. What struck me is how all of us come from such different backgrounds, faiths, and span the diagnosis landscape like dandelions in a field and yet we share one thing in common that transcends all of our differences - we have all loved and lost, cried over cancelled or failed cycles, watched others move onto motherhood, felt lost, helpless, hopeless and some have even made it over to the other side and continue their efforts to hand us a lifeline.

But what's next? What else can I do or say to move this lumbering fight forward? It is my desire, my plight, my fight to shed more light, any light, on OUR infertility journeys. But I feel stuck, I have reached a plateau and wonder what I can do next, both for my own journey and for my fellow infertile sisters.

Last night I attended Resolve's Night of Hope here in NYC and was moved to tears by seeing all those that attended. There were Drs and nurses in the industry, fertility centers, medical research companies, pharmacies and of course a few amazing women just like us that were given awards for being strong voices, advocates and leaders in our communities on our behalf.

Being there, surrounded by the very people we entrust our bodies, hopes and desires, I felt empowered, we spoke the same language and I belonged. I was at the heart of all of our efforts and I felt inspired, yet overwhelmed. Most of the speeches, the ones from the women in the trenches, moved me beyond thoughts and words. They are brave, we all are brave.

We have a such a long road ahead of us if we are going to change the face of infertility. Like I said, I don't know what to do next, who to contact, where to go or what to say. Until then, I will ponder my place in this infertile-land and hopefully merge from the shadows as someone who can carry the torch of hope, not only for myself but for those of you still fighitng the fight of our lives.

I may not know where I am on the map right now as I am in-between treatments and redefining what TTC is for me, but I do know that when I get on the other side of this crevasse, I will never forget where I came from!

I have a dream... do you?

30-Day Zen Challenge is Paying Off

2010-09-22T22:58:00.003-04:00

Tonight in my Hot Power Yoga class I accomplished an asana, pose, that has eluded me...

I held crow/crane for 30 seconds! I was so proud of myself. It was the first time in a long while that I was able to accomplish something and see the fruits of my labor or in this case, my sweat. It was amazing and invigorating.

Next on the list of challenging poses: headstand and side crane pose for 30 seconds.

In between the shadows of infertility, I found a moment of joy.

Infertility? What infertility?

Call me the reluctant dragon

2010-09-17T08:17:00.024-04:00

I am on CD2 today.

I hesitated to call my nurse yesterday, but late last night, I emailed her to see if I should come in for my day two blood work.

This morning I have changed my mind. I am not going to start IVF #3 today, I am not ready. I am going to wait one more month, give myself more time and build up my craziness a little longer.

It was funny to watch myself go through the emotions of "I'm about to start another cycle" and wow did I get excited and nervous. This has been such a ride for the past few years. It's almost scary, as in unfamiliar, to think what life will be like on the other side of this maze. I wonder if I will recognize myself then?

I find myself, again, dizzy with fear and "what-ifs" and wondering what the hell I am doing. I am still baffled as to how children are conceived naturally... to me, it seems so unnatural. Ha.. I literally just laughed out-loud. One more month to ponder the why's and how's and then I am off to hormone alley for another shot at the golden egg.

In the meantime, I have yet to fill out all of the paperwork for CC.RM. A part of me is not looking forward to speaking to yet another "expert" that may or may not have anything new to tell me about why we can't seem to get pregnant...is it really a big mystery that no one can solve? Maybe I should pitch a new TV series... "Unsolved Infertility Mysteries....watch what happens when a couple tries to conceive and fails miserably." Now that's good TV.

I am getting tired. I can see it in my face. This is wearing me thin and I am beginning to wonder if I will make it out of this madness alive and in one piece.

Is my second bedroom mocking me?

2010-09-12T23:13:00.006-04:00

I have been trying desperately to "prove" to the universe that I can have a life outside of TTC. I felt like it was time to find my Zen, find my peace, find myself... once again.

Truth be told, it's really not going so well. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't find pleasure in much else other than doing research on new ART tests, reading blogs, success stories, traumatic stories and hanging out with my lovely infertile friends. Sorry Universe, perhaps you win this time, but don't worry, I will be back to show you I got game!

This leads me to finding zen with our new apartment. We just moved to a beautiful new 2 bedroom apt and it's been such a delight to decorate and unpack, cook meals, have friends and family over, and lounge around with Sweet Guy and our dog. I have gone through all of our boxes, unpacked most, and saved a few for when we get our next round of furniture. I am looking for the perfect bookcases and a secretary desk that will shut to reduce clutter. Oh and I guess, furniture of some sort for the guest room.

We have stored all of the packed boxes and broken down boxes in our second bedroom for the last month. Since Sweet Guy and I both have a ridiculous amount of clothing, he has decided to use some of the closet space in the 2nd bedroom. An odd thing occurred. I found myself getting protective of the closet, the room. I thought about how he'll have to find another place for his suits once the baby comes. I compromised and agreed to let him use a portion of the closet for his suits and I allowed myself to store my hottie winter boots on the shelves above.

As I went through more and more boxes I unearthed remnants of my childhood memories that I have saved with the thought of passing them onto my children. This was cathartic as clearly I still have no children and I am still hauling around old dollhouse furniture, stuffed animals, a Precious Moments lunch box, and doll clothes from yester-year, hoping someone other than me will find them meaningful. The other half of the closet is filled with these mementos and yes, even with the mounds of baby clothes I have admittedly collected over the years - more since TTC. Can't a girl dream?

This room screams guest room because I have nothing else I can do with it at this time. Apparently my pleas for a motherhood experience have only followed dying shooting stars. The bedroom and the second bathroom are on the other side of our apt and I rarely even walk down this hallway. Yet somehow it haunts me, it smirks at me from around the corner and whispers when I glance it's direction.

I feel like this room is going to turn into "grandma's attic." It will be rarely visited and will house dusty old boxes filled with distant memories, old dress-up clothes, creepy dolls, photo albums covered in cob-webs, and perhaps a friendly ghost, though not of someone who was, but rather of someone who may never be.

We moved into this apt so that we could finally have room for a baby. I didn't think the constant reminder of an empty room would direct my attention back to my empty womb.

Sweet Guy says, "Don't talk like that... we just moved."

Aaah, gotta love his optimism.

In Memoriam

2010-09-11T10:22:00.002-04:00

Instead of writing a post this year, 9 years after 9/11 terror attacks, I wanted to offer a moment of silence to reflect upon our lives, those we love and those we've lost.

Take a deep breath.

Life is fragile and precious.

Turns out, finding Zen is as hard as finding Happiness

2010-09-08T09:44:00.002-04:00

I think that being Zen or being Happy is a state of mind. So why then to we try to find it, try to work towards it or discover it?

We act as if it's lost and needs to be found. Like then people say they found God or Jesus... I often think, "really, were they missing?"

So where is my happiness or my feeling of being zen? Lost? Found? Hidden? Right under my nose?

My 30-day Zen challenge is a challenge, not because I feel down and depressed, but because I have a hard time pushing myself to succeed or fulfill a goal I have set. I had a big revelation about myself the other day - it was sobering and I felt deflated after I followed my thoughts down the rabbit hole.

I am mediocre and I have always been mediocre.

I don't do things in life to succeed or excel, I do them to survive or just get by.
P-a-t-h-e-t-i-c.

I am not competitive, nor would you find anyone that would use "egotistical" to define me. Yet I don't give up - I have never given up on the many things I have tried to accomplish in my life. Though I would hardly call me a type A. I have this odd ability to by-pass the ego-circle jerks, bickering, competition exhibits and hare races and still end up at finish lines, self still intact.

How do I do this? How am I able to have drive and follow-through when I have nothing redeeming to show for it?

I have wanted/desired no less than 100 different careers and yet I have none. Still I have a resume of accomplishments. I have always wanted to have more money than I did growing up, but I have never struck it rich - though I have always had everything material I have ever wanted. I have wanted to travel the world, never knew how I'd afford it and yet I have been to amazing places on the planet and have no acquired debt from doing so. I have paid off my debt 3 times - completely to zero and now I see debt not as a monster to try to tame, but as a kitten I have house-trained.

My friends would call me passionate and strong, but I just see myself as a survivor. Possibly a mediocre survivor.

I can't think of a direction I am striving to locate or a journey I am trying to navigate that compares to my desire to be a mom. Have I lost all sense of potential drive to experience life as a whole?

Am I going to be one of those women who loses herself in her children, becomes a helicopter mother, trades in her identity for "mom" and completely dissolves into nothing once the kids leave home?

Have I lost all sense of balance in my life? Is 'up' now 'down' and 'down' now 'up?' My sense of direction has shifted from it's axis and I really can't figure out if I am vertical or horizontal.

Is this because of the Womens' Movement? Do we have too many choices that we end up paralyzed and settle for a dream that may never manifest? Therefore we lumber through our lives, bouncing about like a ping-pong ball - only reacting to what we bump into?

I am mediocre - I just have to come to terms with that. Nothing means more to me than having a family- I have to be ok with that. I am strong, passionate and lazy, suppose that's not the worst I could be.

Doing yoga everyday is a challenge. Finding Zen, as though it's lost, is a joke. TTC is a pseudonym for "I can't think of what else to do, so I will obsess about this for a day, or in my case 4 years."

P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C...

30-Day Zen Challenge

2010-09-03T21:16:00.002-04:00

I have had some very interesting conversations with fertiles lately. The long and the short of it is that to them, I look like a crazy-mad woman for choosing to "do this" to myself.

Ok, I'll take that.

However, show me a woman who doesn't have a "crazy-mad" bone in her body. It's part of our nature to be resilient and strong. We are delicate fighters, though we may not all be fighting for the same things, towards the same goals.

It was hard for me to sit across from these few women and hear/take what they had to say and not want to break out in a rampage about how they will never understand "us" because they are not "us." I felt defensive and stunned. I felt like I had to keep protecting my choices, my emotional depression, my fatigue and weary-filled rants. I almost lost sight of what we were even talking about and all I wanted to do was to change the subject.

I was told that I talk about infertility every time I see these friends. I talk about it because they ask me about it. I'd be fine not talking about it. In fact, I am sick and tired of talking about infertility- I think about it every single second of every single day, why the hell would I want to gab about it to people who think I am off my rocker?

It was then that I had my Oprah "a-ha" moment.

A question popped into my head.... Do I want to be a defensive infertile or offensive infertile?

I decided that from that moment on, I was going to approach infertility offensively. No more defending my decisions or actions. No more trying to explain why I feel sad or hopeless or defeated. I will no longer think of infertility as something I have to fight - no it won't be my BFF, but I simply chose to call "uncle" and call it a day.

In an effort to support this new found freedom of starting fresh and being strategic in my game, I have decided to do the following: throw out my whining voice-box, kick the mope fests, stop the sarcastic comments made under my breath when I hear women complain about gaining weight while they're pregnant, and lastly, I have said this before, and I will say it again, I will stop being a victim to infertility. *note, I will still chose to walk on the other side of the street to avoid Bugaboos and baby bumps... I am human after-all.

Now onto my Zen Challenge!

I am going to totally shift gears for a bit and do a 30-day yoga challenge, eat a low-carb diet, take high-end vitamins and my metformin, see my acupuncturist, see an energy healer and attend as many fun functions as I can this next month, including Resolve's Night of Hope!

I will blog my way to the offense-side of the coin.

I am determined to shift the infertile paradigm, find myself again, find my graceful balance and most importantly, I am going to hit infertility's blindside!

I know, I know, how long will these cheerio smilles last? When will the infertility demons find their way back into the ring of fire? Hmmmm, who knows... I am sure I will have breakdowns and breakthroughs along the way... remember, I am only human.

~Namaste~

WTF Meeting... may this be the LAST ONE!

2010-08-31T19:05:00.006-04:00

Oh how I love my Dr....He's not giving up on me!

A little quick history -
Diagnosed in 2007 with MF
Feb 2008 IVF#1 - Menopur and Gonal F
Retrieved 25 eggs, fertilized 19 and were left with 5 blasts.
Transferred 2, froze 3
BFP - loss at 12 weeks, Trisomy 21

Sept/Oct 2008 FET #1
Thaw 3 embryos, 2 good enough to transfer
Transfer 2
BFP - chemical pregnancy

May 2009 IVF #2 - Only Gonal F
Retrieved 26 eggs, fertilized 19 and were left with 8 blasts.
Transferred 2, froze 6
BFN

August 2009 and August 2010 FET #2 and #3
Thawed 3 each time, transferred 3 each time
BFN

2 IUIs thown in for good measure... BFN, obviously.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I have left no stone un-turned with my drive to research and find any answers as to why our cycles are going backwards. I have met with the Sh.er Institute for possible immune/implantation issues. All that was discovered is a partial DQ-alpha match with Sweet Guy. We have tested Sweet Guy's...er ah, "guys" and as they may not be at the top of the class, we haven't had to flunk them. He did a DNA fragmentation test and we discovered his guys aren't as mature as they could be once they are "brought out into the world." OK... he's a guy, what do we all expect... aaaah, just kidding. He went on Chinese herbs and did acupuncture and though we weren't able to do another semen test, I have convinced myself that the boys ate up the herbs and instantly grew a "brain." Hopeful much?

We have done every genetic, immune, uterus, sperm, hormone, etc test that I've unearthed. I know a little about a lot of things when it comes to infertility and a lot about the things that pertain to me and Sweet Guy.

We have gone to a total of 5, yes 5 REs and yet, no one has been able to give us a definitive answer as to why we are still stuck behind this lunch line.

I guess now I can officially categorize us as UNEXPLAINED. Oh joy!

My RE today, RE#3 for those who wish to keep track, said the following:

He wants to treat me as a PCOS patient, though I don't have PCOS. However, since I produce a large amount of eggs, regardless of the med dosage, my ovaries have been labeled "Polycystic Appearing Ovaries or PAO" He has prescribed Met.formin - anyone been on this before? I have to change my diet - low carb and probably take a bunch of vitamins. Suggestions?

Next he wants to put me back on Menopur and Gonal F combo - for the record, I HATE Menopur...it was the WORST med I have been on. It stung and as soon as Sweet Guy would inject the poison, I could taste it in my mouth. Whaaaah!

Finally, and here's where I am waffling, he wanted to "be aggressive" and UP the number of embryos we'd transfer - meaning 4!! Huh? What? Octo-crazy-mom, here I come! At the time I forgot to mention to him that we have only transferred up to 2 for both of our fresh cycles, so in theory we could still be aggressive, but only by adding in one additional embryo, making it a total of 3. Originally, with talk of transferring 4, I protested. I don't think I am someone who could do selective reduction. I know that it would be a VERY difficult decision to make. Knowing I could put myself and all of my babies at risk if I went ahead with a triplet pregnancy, I would worry equally that I would put the remaining babies at risk of a miscarriage, as I know it CAN happen with reductions. I am not gung-ho about twins either - Sweet Guy would be thrilled to be "two and done," but I am fine with one healthy baby, one healthy pregnancy and one happy mommy.

Second part of this - when my Dr sensed that he couldn't just toss any amount of embryos in me, hoping for the best, I brought up PGD testing. His facility works with one of the best in the country - for the record, for those that have heard this before, it's the same guy who CC.RM consults with/works with. The only difference is that this facility does a day 6 transfer as opposed to freezing the normal embryos and doing a frozen transfer a couple months later - I have heard CC.RM does this.

So why am I waffling? $6000 is a lot to spend in addition to the thousands we have already plunked down. I know it's worth it if we get to hold our child in our arms, but what if??

What if the tweaking of my protocol delivers better quality eggs, therefore, better quality embryos?

What if we don't produce a large amount of embryos to test and we have to just toss 'em in anyways?

What if all the embryos come back abnormal after testing?

What if I get pregnant on my own... ha! Just had to throw that in.

I know I don't have to decide today, but just reviewing my options.

I have to get my paperwork filled out and records copied for my appt. with CC.RM - RE #6. If anyone has seen the paperwork they send you, you'd know that I am whining on the inside, "really? I don't wanna fill all of that out, can't I just tell them what I have been through?" People, that's a lot of questions!!

OK, I am done for now... over and out.

5 Years Ago. 5 Years later.

2010-08-28T11:06:00.002-04:00

5 years ago Sweet Guy and I had only known each other for 2 months and yet he accompanied me to my "best friend's" wedding (my friend that is really like my sister )in the NW. We had stopped off in LA to see his BFF before heading to Seattle. It was a memorable trip. We were googly-eyed in love and the future was bright.

5 years ago was the morning of my friend's wedding and we were glued to the TV as Hurricane Katrina was barreling into the Gulf Coast. I remember a sense of panic as I thought this could be a hurricane we would never forget.

5 years ago I watched my friend say her vows as I stood next to her, near the chuppah and nestled in the mountains of Eastern Washington. The air was clean and clear, the grass was damp and the pond behind us was active with young spawn fish. One jumped during her vows. All I could think of was... "Big Fish."

5 years ago I remember feeling a dark and deep sadness for New Orleans as it's always been on my "Bucket List" of cities to see. Now... what would be left?

5 years ago Sweet Guy had it in his mind that I was the woman that he was going to marry and live happily ever-after. We were engaged by December, 6 months after we met.

5 years ago I thought my life was coming together, my dreams would be fulfilled and that doors were opening instead of closing.

5 years ago I didn't know that in 5 years I'd be where I am today. Do we ever know what is in store for us?

I hold the people in the Gulf Coast deeply in my heart. We as a country didn't react fast enough, respond quick enough, nor did we understand the magnitude of how Katrina changed their lives forever.

Infertility is like a hurricane. You know it's out there, brewing it's might, you pray it's path doesn't find it's way to your home. Some people are saved while others watch as their entire lives are changed forever. Pictures and stories don't depict a true enough reality of what it's like to live through something that turns your life upside down and inside out.

I will visit New Orleans and I will beat infertility. As the people of the Gulf have been slowly putting their lives back toegther, so shall we.

Life is a process.

Luck be an old lady

2010-08-22T23:27:00.003-04:00

Sex and the City gals in Atlantic City

A friend of mine, another infertile, and I were out the other day talking about our next IVF cycles. We are both at the place of needing to have our embryos tested, as nothing else seems to be working. She's only 2 years older than me, has been through 4 IVFs, with the past 2 ending in chemicals. I realize that in reality I have only been through 2 IVFs as most REs don't count the 3 FETs I have done as true cycles. I say if I am shooting myself in my stomach with hormones, it's a cycle! However, I am not so far down the rabbit hole that the light of day is a distant memory - there's still hope, right? Bah!

I told my friend that I fear doing the PGD/CGH testing as it seems to really drive home just how many of our eggs are/can be "abnormal." It's scary to think that the majority of your embryos in a cycle could be crap. It feels so defeating and I haven't even begun the process.

I know this is what I have to do next, but I feel like the reluctant dragon and all I really want to do is curl up on the couch and watch re-runs of the Kardashians.

"It's a gamble," she said. We are going to walk up to the roulette table, $20,000 of chips in hand, lay the stack on as many numbers of cycles we can stomach, rub the lucky penny in our sweaty palm, turn and walk away. I am playing Russian Roulette with my emotions and my sanity.

That's what I have learned from this ridiculous process. It is a gamble - we are gamblers and to be honest, I don't believe in gambling... well, until now.

My head is spinning from all of this - 4 years of my life has been blurry, suffocated by the power of the unknown and I've been tossed about as if I were in a dryer that never seems to stop... around and around, over and over I go, waiting, wanting, begging to stop. Wondering when the world is going to be upright again.

My cousin, who I saw this weekend, really thinks that if I stop thinking about TTC, I will get pregnant. She thinks I am trying too hard, thinking too hard, wising too hard, for something that I should let go of and let God. She thinks I hold onto things, emotionally, and I need to let nature take over and stop trying to control it. She's right, I am the one that is doing this to myself. Though I doubt that I'd be someone who could prove the urban myth of "I got pregnant after a lobotomy!"

I don't even know if I want this anymore.

What am I fighting for?

Maybe I am not suppose to be a mom. Maybe this IS nature's way of telling me, "sorry J, it's nice that you thought this was your path, but in reality, it isn't. Your path is in the other direction."

I am caught in the middle, straddling barbed-wire. One part of me says stay the course, keep trying, hard work, dedication and perseverance pays off. The other part of me thinks I should move to the passenger's seat and let God or whomever take over. Maybe my biggest obstacle is ME!!??

Either way I turn it's a gamble and this ol' lady is looking for a sign, some clarity, and oh ya, a little bit o' luck!

And here comes the sadness...

2010-08-19T07:46:00.001-04:00

I knew it was lurking. Last week I was doing TOO well for someone that just had another f-ing BFN.

I have been here before, the sadness is like an old drinking buddy that lures you back into the bad habits you spend your entire life trying to stuff back into a closet next to the other wonky skeletons. "I am going to be ok, everything is fine, the sadness will fade, this too shall pass, I don't need more therapy, I can do this, focus on something else, get back up and fight, fight, fight, I think I can, I think I can."

I am so happy for all of you that got BFPs this last week, but it sucks to read about them. I am sorry, but I am just so tired of being another "cycle buddy" only to be left behind, yet again. I am having a complete pity party for myself, but can you blame a girl?

I have an urge to type numerous profanities, but I refrain for fear I will offend those that don't like to read foul language, but I am so upset that this last cycle didn't work. I am so tired of TTC and watching others continue onto motherhood. I just don't get it! What am I doing wrong? I have taken every single stupid test one can possibly take to get to the bottom of the "well, you just have bad luck" diagnosis. Why is it not working for me? How could I stim well, produce a good decent of eggs, fertilize a good amount, grow 'em to 5 day, have them hatching, transfer them into a womb that has "blood flow", continue to treat my body like a vessel of hope and after 9+ days of agonizing wait, even with meditation and yoga, still get a BFFN?? You know what the extra "F" is!!

I have friends that were almost cancelled, had shitty eggs and embryos - their words, not mine, barely make it to transfer on day 3 and are now pregnant with twins.

How does this make sense that I continue to be over looked by the In Vitro Gods?

I am so frustrated.

I feel like throwing a temper tantrum. One of those that only a 2 year old can master. I want my arms and legs to go flailing, I want to scream at the top of my mature lungs, spew tears and hyperventilate. Why? because that's the only thing I can do.... I have done everything else, save one last horrifying test.

The only thing left for me to do is test our embryos and after pouring over countless websites, web pages and posts, I have to admit, I am terrified of the results. It seems to me that once you are at the point of needing to test your embryos, it's a pretty good chance that you will learn just how bad things really are/were. Meaning, out of the 26 eggs that I usually have retrieved, I could end up with only one that is good enough, well enough, to transfer.

If that doesn't make me feel like something is definitely wrong my millions of (un)hopeful eggs, not much else will.

I started this journey when I was 34 and now I am 38. Could my eggs had gone down hill in four years? Statistically yes, but in reality, HOW? Could the majority of them all be shit now? Perhaps my eggs were shit then too and and are plagued by, my favorite of all favorite insults, "advanced maternal age."

I am tired of living my life in an infertility vacuum.

What life lesson could be so important for my "growth and development" as a human being that I would need to go through this maddening process in order to become a mom?

No reason good enough.

Thank you Infertility!

2010-08-17T22:56:00.001-04:00

I love waking up every morning and feeling for a split second that there is something missing or even worse, that everything is ok, only to realize everything is the same.

I have a list of fertile friends that I need to return calls to, send email replies to or I don't know, maintain a friendship with. While they are out living their lives with babies, toddlers and tweens, worrying about diapers, breast-milk, kindergarten and Twilight crushes, I find comfort in hiding under the covers, waiting for the world to slow down.

Because of infertility, my life has become a game of duck and cover, or hibernate. I find myself avoiding any and all situations where I have to listen to my friends complain about motherhood. Frankly, I have no sympathy, clearly, no empathy. I can intuitively give them advice, especially since I have known most of my friends for well over 20 years, but what good does that do? 20 years filled with many life adventures that we all shared with one-another: the boys, the jobs, travels, joys, heart breaks, tears, secrets, dreams, minus one experience that has formed an enormous wedge between us as wide as the Grand Canyon.

I use to be the person that would smile like a cheshire cat when I saw infants, pregnant women and kids walking around with ice cream dripping down their chins. Now, I avert my eyes, take a deep breath and and likely, stuff more emotions into my black-hole of a heart and keep on walking, wishing I could be scooped up by big hands and taken to a world where I don't have to suffer in silence.

I remember when I was in my 20s, consciously willing myself, somewhat training myself, to do away with jealousy - it didn't make me feel good and wishing I had more..., was more..., looked more...., made more..., wasn't healthy, so I worked tirelessly on being grateful for what I was born with, what I have learned, what I was driven to do and for those that I am blessed to know. Never would I have thought, in a million and one years, that jealousy would rear it's ugly and mocking head again, lock it's eyes on me and plant itself in-between hope and determination.

I have been through some amazingly challenging events in my life. Looking back on the many times I thought "it couldn't get worse," I realize that those challenges were minor when I thought they were major. I am stumped as to how on God's green-ish earth I am faced with infertility and I may not be a mom in this lifetime. Wow, those words sting.

Maybe I ask too many questions. Maybe I want too many answers. None of this makes sense how there could be the "haves" and the "have nots" when it comes to giving birth. Yet there are so many children that need homes.... so why isn't adoption made easier for those of us that just want to be parents? Why are In Vitro cycles not guaranteed to get you pregnant, keep you pregnant and deliver you a baby ... dammit?!!!

Life is unfair...

The haves and the have nots are o'plenty. I see it every day- on the streets of NYC, on TV, in newspapers, in smut-magazines... we live in a world where hard work pays off for some, but not all. The good die young, the rapists get away and wealth creates as many problems as there are dreams fulfilled. Babies are thrown off of bridges by their fathers, IUIs work the first time, sex with a stranger result in pregnancies, woman give birth naturally to 12 babies, siblings live, siblings die, women put children up for adoption, couples adopt, women abandon their babies and couples are denied adoption.

I feel like an animal in a cage. One who has been deprived of a life that was wished for on a faded copper penny, thrown into a well of hope, a well of dreams.... a well of "maybe, if you are lucky."

I am tired.... oh wait, I have said that before.

I can't believe this is my life... oh yes, I have said that before.

WHY is this happening to me, to you, to any of us that want SO desperately to experience what should come naturally?

Thank you infertility for giving me the strength I never thought I had, the determination I doubted I was able to harness, the sadness I never thought I'd meet, the pain I never thought would end, the frustration I wrestle with daily and the dream I will never give up on.... that's right, you heard me!

I changed my blog URL - can you help me spread the word??

2010-08-14T19:27:00.001-04:00

Fresh start, new outlook, fresh new address, full steam ahead... but wait!! I may have lost some readers.

Can you help me spread the word to get my blog URL updated on YOUR blogroll?

What to do:
Delete my OLD blog URL that you are following - http://www.ourbabybumpstory.blogspot.com/

Add my NEW blog URL to your follow list/blogroll - http://www.ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com/

I needed to do a little refresh and then I realized in so doing, I messed up my blogroll readers and may lose a lot of you/those that were following me.

Hope you find me again and hope you keep reading!!

Game Over... knocked down, but still fighting!

2010-08-13T13:11:00.000-04:00

Well I got the call - I didn't answer it, I let it go to voicemail. I am already in action mode, though I think it's just because I am delirious. I didn't sleep very well last night. Nightmares about Sweet Guy being killed and me not knowing what to do next and the tears I refuse to shed while I am awake came full force in my dreams. Good times.

I am numb.

All I can do is move forward. I promised myself that I would do one more fresh cycle and do it I will. I just called and made an appt. for a phone consultation with the Grand Daddy of all facilities in the US - you all know the one. The Great and Powerful Wizards that have all the answers... right? Too bad their statistics aren't 100% and we could all save ourselves so much angst. I think it will be good to have one more RE look at my 10, now 12lbs worth of medical records - what's it going to hurt? I don't think they will tell me anything new, though I do know they will advise that we do PGD/PGS or CGH... OMG! I should have done it with my last fresh cycle last June, but I was chicken and my Dr. didn't think we needed it. Uhm, now I think it's evident that we MUST test those eggie pies to see why the hell they don't like my womb.

I am tired of being called strong - not that I don't think that I am, but I want another label, I want to be known for something that hasn't half-killed me. I know I am strong, but that is not the point. I think anyone who is determined has to be strong - whether it's business people, explorers or inventors - we all have to shut out the outside world and keep our eye on the prize.

It was Thomas Edison that wrote, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." So this cycle wasn't a failure per se, it just didn't work and though I doubt in all honesty that I could stomach much more of this, I do believe that I have a drive inside of me to keep this up until I hold my baby(ies) in my arms.

All I know is that I have persevered under immense amount of odds and I am still standing. I don't know how and I question my sanity sometimes, but one thing I know for certain, I will not, I repeat, I will not surrender the idea of being a mom in this lifetime to a few years of bad luck. For what it's worth, I know that I will be a mom somehow, someday - albeit a tiring journey, I will get there.

Thanks again for all of your love and support and prayers!

I really feel that I draw my strength from those that believe in me, so maybe I am not strong after-all, maybe it's you all that are stronger than steel!?

Nest steps:

1) WTF meeting with Dr. C - August 31st

2) "Hello my name is..., can you help me have a baby" meeting with The Great and Powerful - September 16th

3) Trying to get my life and marriage back on track - everyday

TBC...

HPTs can SUCK IT!!!

2010-08-12T19:15:00.000-04:00

I tested, it was NEGATIVO!

I go in a day earlier for beta - a day earlier I get to stop the meds, stop the madness.

I will post what I already know to be true tomorrow, in the meantime....

Yoga and wine!

Baby Steps to Motherhood

Rising from the ashes

Learning to pivot

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Updates and ramblings

Judgement and Adele

Sweet Guy has turned a corner

Meet me at the intersection of faith and hope

Paying it Forward Through Gratitutde

Fertility Wellness Workshop in NYC June 18th, 2011

Angel Mine

Spotted Brown Egg

Sidewalks of NY

Busting an Infertility Myth: Let's just bust them all~

Coming from a place of YES???

May Day! May Day! We are sinking...

Spoke to soon... PETA listen up... we are not done talking!

Small Victory!!! Thanks PETA... at least you heard us, now the rest of you, listen up!!

Dearest PETA: WE are NOT the cause of world overpopulation!

Public Service Announcement

Follow your heart...

Welcome ~Spring~ ICLWers!

The other shoe has dropped.

Does time really heal?

Finding Community

WTF Meeting Part Deux and Wedding Dress Shopping

Trials and Tribulations

Survivors Guilt

Brave New World

Coming Clean and Getting Complete

How do we make it through the 2WW without losing our minds?

Happy January ICLW !

Slow Burn

Hi diddle dee dee

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Midnight Mass

Filling my empty pie

Where I am now... negative dark, despairing cloud, take that!

39 is not the lonliest number

Welcome November ICLWers!

Happy Birthday Sprout~

Holding Back the Years

Finding the mind/body balance

Our Thelma and Louise Adventure

IUI...what the *bleep*?

Separated from the wolf pack

My head is spinning so fast it almost feels like I am going backwards.

Sadness: Part Deux - Loss Remembrance day, especially for my fertile friend.

No, I am not depressed, I am just sad

Apples to Oranges- different, yet somehow the same.

Waiting to Exhale

What happens when you do too much IF research?

I spoke to the Great and Poweful C.C.R.M.

I have a dream.... to get rid of writer's block and spread a little bit of hope.

30-Day Zen Challenge is Paying Off

Call me the reluctant dragon

Is my second bedroom mocking me?

In Memoriam

Turns out, finding Zen is as hard as finding Happiness

30-Day Zen Challenge

WTF Meeting... may this be the LAST ONE!

5 Years Ago. 5 Years later.

Luck be an old lady

And here comes the sadness...

Thank you Infertility!

I changed my blog URL - can you help me spread the word??

Game Over... knocked down, but still fighting!

HPTs can SUCK IT!!!

IUI...what the bleep?